We all have a right to our own opinions and ideas about God, church, and faith, so here are a few of mine that I have kept to myself for just too long. You gotta be true to yourself and honestly I am just trying to express my heart and my hurts.
1. I am so SICK AND TIRED of other Christians that think Catholics are the Anti-christ or evil or hypocrites. I am sorry for any of you that have had any negative experiences with us, but get over it and confess it to God and move on with love instead of judgement. And, I on the flip side have had negative experiences with other Christians, so don't think that ANYONE is perfect. You know what? At the core of my faith is what is at the core of yours too.
HECK, this all even applies to people that are not Christian at all in any way. I respect everyone, no matter what you believe.
2. I have read my bible my whole life (I can quote you but just not great at where to find it sometimes) and gone to prayer groups and love Christian music and have felt the Holy Spirit just as strong as anyone. I was very active in youth ministry at my home parish, music ministry (we did LOTS of praise and worship music; shocking!), I directed the Alpha course many times and was very involved in everything, because I wanted to. Because, the stuff we do comes out of our love for God and our heart for others.
3. I struggled in high school and later on a bit, but for the most part, I grew up in church. And my mom drove me nuts and took me to all these Christian conferences and speakers when I was young, because as of then, there was not much around our area for Catholics. Didn't scare or intimidate us in any way, as we were secure in our FAITH and love in JESUS. I am very blessed indeed to have a mom who was my "Paul" and brought me up really deeply in my faith.
4. How come I will go to anything like Christian concerts, other church service events, etc, but other Christians will RARELY come to anything similar that a Catholic, heck or even Anglican will invite them to or even want to listen to the joy and love that we have experienced. That is SO not being open and loving and filled with Jesus. I like modern stuff, but I also like traditional stuff. We can't be closed minded to one or the other; there is so much beauty in both. That would mean that old hymns should be thrown out and new music should too?
5. Our aim should not be to convert anyone to any building, it is about finding faith in Jesus and where you feel led to be, even though I have truly found the fullness of my faith where I am. I can say this because I "left" the Catholic church and church in general on and off for almost a year. My world was crumbling, I was mad at God and hated everyone I came across, and wanted to just do my own thing and live how the rest of the world did. Thank God, that he did not let me do anything too stupid or wander away too far. Then, had a wonderful life changing event at a Christian church and went that way for a certain number of months. I had truly lived and breathed both sides, if you could call it that, and really understood how sometimes misunderstandings and ignorance gets in the way.
6. I feel sad for anyone that thinks they are the greatest Christian ever but still hold so much bitterness and resentment and hate against any past Catholic or Christian friends, family or other hurts. They have not dealt with it with God, because if they did, they would feel truly free and not carry around this big burden of hate. You can have a bad experience in any type of church, with any type of person, in any walk of life. Why don't you hear about that? I feel for you, but you gotta deal with it and move on either way and see ANY DENOMINATION or Christian as your brother and sister in Christ.
7. Catholics are Christians. Christian means "Christ-like" and was first used to name the early church people. The term Catholic was also used pretty early on as well, as it means "universal". Don't attack others especially if you will not even bother to share your common beliefs, listen to others point of view, read good stuff about the early church, the apostles, Jesus, or history. Think for yourself; not because someone is standing up there and talking. I know many people that were Pentecostal and even Pentecostal ministers with their own churches that became Catholic and brought their dynamic zeal to their new church and are using their awesome knowledge and talents to liven things up.
8. If a Catholic or Christian doesn't know what the heck they believe or why they go to church, because it is routine or a family thing? they should think about making a decision. When you die, and go wherever you think you are going, maybe Jesus will be there (ha) and he won't know who you are and you can't hide behind anyone or anything. It is all about HIM. You can't love everything opposite to God and God at the same time. If there is a church that is boring or whatever and you are not involved at all, try to make some friends, go to a potluck, bible study, look at the bulletin,...WE are the church and our job is to use our gifts and talents to inspire and build up everyone. Don't just sit and be miserable; even if you have to drive an extra 20 minutes for a church family you love and are connected to, it is so worth it.
9. I love Matt Maher, who is a very well-known Christian music artist. His music is very inspiring and beautiful, but what rarely any one knows is that he is a very solid and Jesus-loving Catholic. See, he wants to touch souls and help others regardless and not let judgement and pride get in the way.
10. Don't judge or you will be judged. Isn't that what Jesus said? I (and our churches) owe so much to the vibrant bible-believing Christians that are out there that brought us awesome music and an example of being totally committed to God. It is not extreme to throw away all your booze, drugs, crap on TV, selfish lifestyle. In fact, it is probably the best way to live your life as a Christian. That's hard. There are so many wonderful Christian people that helped me and changed my life when I was away from church and started going back again. I love them. They brought me food when I was on my own and had no job and no money and sick family back home and so much stress. And laughs and long talks and good times.
And it was then that I remembered all the love I received in my then 32 years from my Catholic church family also. That a Christian is a Christian as long as you believe in Jesus as the one that saves us by his death on the cross from so many things past, present, and future. That the bible is real and relevant, and like one saint put it, ignorance of the bible is ignorance of Christ. And that that when I miss church on Sunday (like lately due to bad sickness and blizzards), it feels like missing something so important, like my next breath, that will make me so happy when I next go.
Christians aren't perfect; just forgiven.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Just Some Bible/Inspirational Stuff for You...
Some totally random Sunday bible thoughts for you, as I can't think of anything to write of my own; just yet...
8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.
1 John 2
1 John 1 (The Message Bible)
1-2From the very first day, we were there, taking it all in—we heard it with our own ears, saw it with our own eyes, verified it with our own hands. The Word of Life appeared right before our eyes; we saw it happen! And now we're telling you in most sober prose that what we witnessed was, incredibly, this: The infinite Life of God himself took shape before us.
3-4We saw it, we heard it, and now we're telling you so you can experience it along with us, this experience of communion with the Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. Our motive for writing is simply this: We want you to enjoy this, too. Your joy will double our joy!Walk in the Light
5This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him. 6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.
1 John 2
1-2I write this, dear children, to guide you out of sin. But if anyone does sin, we have a Priest-Friend in the presence of the Father: Jesus Christ, righteous Jesus. When he served as a sacrifice for our sins, he solved the sin problem for good—not only ours, but the whole world's.
7-8My dear friends, I'm not writing anything new here. This is the oldest commandment in the book, and you've known it from day one. It's always been implicit in the Message you've heard. On the other hand, perhaps it is new, freshly minted as it is in both Christ and you—the darkness on its way out and the True Light already blazing!
9-11Anyone who claims to live in God's light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark. It's the person who loves brother and sister who dwells in God's light and doesn't block the light from others. But whoever hates is still in the dark, stumbles around in the dark, doesn't know which end is up, blinded by the darkness.
15-17Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.
28And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we'll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives. 29Once you're convinced that he is right and righteous, you'll recognize that all who practice righteousness are God's true children.
The Only Way to Know We're in Him
2-3Here's how we can be sure that we know God in the right way: Keep his commandments. 4-6If someone claims, "I know him well!" but doesn't keep his commandments, he's obviously a liar. His life doesn't match his words. But the one who keeps God's word is the person in whom we see God's mature love. This is the only way to be sure we're in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived.7-8My dear friends, I'm not writing anything new here. This is the oldest commandment in the book, and you've known it from day one. It's always been implicit in the Message you've heard. On the other hand, perhaps it is new, freshly minted as it is in both Christ and you—the darkness on its way out and the True Light already blazing!
9-11Anyone who claims to live in God's light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark. It's the person who loves brother and sister who dwells in God's light and doesn't block the light from others. But whoever hates is still in the dark, stumbles around in the dark, doesn't know which end is up, blinded by the darkness.
Loving the World
12-13I remind you, my dear children: Your sins are forgiven in Jesus' name. You veterans were in on the ground floor, and know the One who started all this; you newcomers have won a big victory over the Evil One. 13-14And a second reminder, dear children: You know the Father from personal experience. You veterans know the One who started it all; and you newcomers—such vitality and strength! God's word is so steady in you. Your fellowship with God enables you to gain a victory over the Evil One.15-17Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.
24-25Stay with what you heard from the beginning, the original message. Let it sink into your life. If what you heard from the beginning lives deeply in you, you will live deeply in both Son and Father. This is exactly what Christ promised: eternal life, real life!
Live Deeply in Christ28And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we'll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives. 29Once you're convinced that he is right and righteous, you'll recognize that all who practice righteousness are God's true children.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Cinderella, Spam, and God...
Knowing my posts, you are either thinking, what the heck? These things just don't go together! or Hmmm, she sure has such wierd titles sometimes, I wonder what this one will be about?
One of my favorite stories as a kid was Cinderella, and then it became one of my favorite Disney movies later on for many reasons. When I was a kid I read and read and read so much, but when I got older I just couldn't sit still enough to read and there were always a million crazy things, ideas and plans in my head that everything about me was just too busy to read. Then I became a lazy movie person; while everyone else had read the books first and then seen the movies. Nope, not I.
Cinderella always had perfect beauty queen hair, with no tangles or bad hair days and never any roots from hair coloring. But, she lost her mother so young, loved her dad but he died too early, had an evil stepmom and stepsisters, and had to do the crap of the crap of the housework (like sweeping "cinders" as if that was so 2010). That wasn't enough though. She also never had any money or an allowance, so that could have meant no new or good clothes, not going out in public much, few friends (but little talking mice and animals), and just saw nothing good ahead for her life at all.
Sometimes, I can relate to her.
Then everything changed in the twinkling of an eye. Her long lost godmother, who she hadn't ever met due to dysfunctional family issues, suddenly appeared to help her in her time of need. She was a super nice lady, really pretty, and plus she was an actual fairy with fairy powers. Just what she needed to zap all the people who were mean to her. No, I mean she never did that because fairy tales and cartoons were a lot simpler back then. Wow, a story with no revenge. Huh. She just wanted to go to the big party at the castle where she would be transformed into a princess and dance with her prince charming, who would later become her husband. I think actually it was her godmother that totally changed her life around. (And I am a godmother, so I am kinda partial to that way of thinking. Plus, she was the one that did lots of the work on Cinderella.)
Anyhow, about the spam thing, which you probably thought I forgot, well I didn't. I was just trying to picture how to fit it in. It has to do with the cinderella email address which was awesome as a name and something important to me, but I guess due to the cinderella part, it attracted about 30 spam emails a day. Oh, they ranged from make a million dollars at home in your pyjamas in a month, to win a free this or that (which you have to make tons of purchases online to even qualify for), "bad" photos, specials to enlarge this part or that part of you. My favorite one is from the many billionaires holding the estates of their late grandfathers or uncles in Uganda (that are in high positions in the government) and need your bank account so that they can legally transfer money to you and think you are the biggest stupidest sucker on the whole earth. Or that you won some lottery in the UK, when the email looks like a Gr. 3 did it with tons of spelling mistakes...
Then I thought about Cinderella, who had some life-changing events and then her happily after after in the magical kingdom of Disney. She had a totally fresh start, from rags to riches, or from cleaning up animal poop in the house to becoming a real leisure woman and princess. So too, I had wanted a tiny start to a new me and decided to back away from my cinderella email address when I had some positive life-changing events not quite a year ago. It was trying to be out with the old and in with the new. So then I slowly merged into thenewmaria which became like a reminder to me.
Sometimes, thenewmaria doesn't act or talk or think like the new maria that I should be and sometimes I do. Sometimes, there is one huge gigantic thing that happens to change the rest of our lives and we never ever forget or turn away. Mostly, it is a lot of little things through our whole lives that change the way we live, good or bad.
Right now, I am still Cinderella, but I am her in the later stage of the castle. The times when she remembers her father long gone and all the memories and laughs when she was little; the good times. The times when she is lonely and empty too. The times when she wonders and worries about the future. The real human Cinderella. She is not the perfect housewife, mother, friend, or daughter. And we don't have to be either. I have to remember time and again that we can't keep the weight of the world on our shoulders; there is someone to ask that can take off the weight and everything that you go through.
Even the fairy tale Cinderella had some type of hope despite her problems, and beat the odds.
God only knows my heart and if I happen to be really struggling and lost, not to forget that he is right there and only a prayer away, like they say. He is only a word, a whisper, a breeze, a ray of sunshine, a melody away. My goal is to not make you see him as an old-fashioned and cruel tyrant that watches your every step so he can pounce on you and make you suffer the minute you mess up. Or the one that is up in the clouds, like a fairy tale or a distant and unrelevant fable. Or even the one that will be your friend as long as you keep all the rules and do all these good things so that you can maybe get to heaven or just avoid hell, if that exists. can be his friend and get into heaven one day, hopefully.
In the middle of my bottomless pit, when sometimes it is all I can do to say his name, read a line of the bible, or just even think about God, he is there right in the thick of it all. I am trying to think more how he relates to us like a loving father (even if you never had one like that on earth). He loves us more than anything else in this world and tries to point us in every right direction time after time, but when we get old enough to choose, he is even more loving to allow us to pick between him and everything else that looks so much better and brighter.
On my own road to my own personal type of recovery, God is my loving father. Like when my own father was alive, he doesn't care as much about where you have been, but where you want to be going, your hopes and dreams, and if you want to include him in your life. And he is happy when I do.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
HMMMM...Thought I'd write on HOPE...
First I thought about love, then I thought about bible quotes, then I thought about the ones about HOPE, which are really a trillion. I thought I would just sum it up by one of my favorite psalms in the bible. I put a version from the Message bible and the other from one of my regular bibles, for the language I am used to and go mainly by. Both just different ways of thinking. I like old and new...
PSALM 34
1 I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise.
2 I live and breathe God;
if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:
3 Join me in spreading the news;
together let's get the word out.
4 God met me more than halfway,
he freed me from my anxious fears.
5 Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
Never hide your feelings from him.
6 When I was desperate, I called out,
and God got me out of a tight spot.
7 God's angel sets up a circle
of protection around us while we pray.
8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.
9 Worship God if you want the best;
worship opens doors to all his goodness.
10 Young lions on the prowl get hungry,
but God-seekers are full of God.
11 Come, children, listen closely;
I'll give you a lesson in God worship.
12 Who out there has a lust for life?
Can't wait each day to come upon beauty?
13 Guard your tongue from profanity,
and no more lying through your teeth.
14 Turn your back on sin; do something good.
Embrace peace—don't let it get away!
15 God keeps an eye on his friends,
his ears pick up every moan and groan.
16 God won't put up with rebels;
he'll cull them from the pack.
17 Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.
18 If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.
19 Disciples so often get into trouble;
still, God is there every time.
20 He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken.
21 The wicked commit slow suicide;
they waste their lives hating the good.
22 God pays for each slave's freedom;
no one who runs to him loses out.
PSALM 34
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
Why try to re-invent a great thing? Sometimes, bible and poetry just seem to say it all...
PSALM 34
1 I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise.
2 I live and breathe God;
if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:
3 Join me in spreading the news;
together let's get the word out.
4 God met me more than halfway,
he freed me from my anxious fears.
5 Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
Never hide your feelings from him.
6 When I was desperate, I called out,
and God got me out of a tight spot.
7 God's angel sets up a circle
of protection around us while we pray.
8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.
9 Worship God if you want the best;
worship opens doors to all his goodness.
10 Young lions on the prowl get hungry,
but God-seekers are full of God.
11 Come, children, listen closely;
I'll give you a lesson in God worship.
12 Who out there has a lust for life?
Can't wait each day to come upon beauty?
13 Guard your tongue from profanity,
and no more lying through your teeth.
14 Turn your back on sin; do something good.
Embrace peace—don't let it get away!
15 God keeps an eye on his friends,
his ears pick up every moan and groan.
16 God won't put up with rebels;
he'll cull them from the pack.
17 Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.
18 If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.
19 Disciples so often get into trouble;
still, God is there every time.
20 He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken.
21 The wicked commit slow suicide;
they waste their lives hating the good.
22 God pays for each slave's freedom;
no one who runs to him loses out.
PSALM 34
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
Why try to re-invent a great thing? Sometimes, bible and poetry just seem to say it all...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Such a good blog I found!!!!!!
This one really encouraged me....
http://gregorynsmith.blogspot.com/2010/01/baptism-of-lord-opening-our-christmas.html
http://gregorynsmith.blogspot.com/2010/01/baptism-of-lord-opening-our-christmas.html
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My Death to Life Experience at Rise Up Conference...
Well, after I got back to Manitoba from my father's funeral (last post) it felt strange. Like I was leaving him and everyone else behind again, even though I know where my place is. Back to the same room where I got the news, just staring at the walls, feeling numb to the whole world, with no purpose for anything, even taking showers and eating. I mean for me that is strange too, as I love to eat, so when I don't, then I worry that something is seriously wrong. Like I was someone else and I was on the outside looking in on everything.
The week I was down there seemed like perhaps the deepest week of my life, despite everything. And it was as if God had protected all of our hearts with some special invisible barrier, or else we would have all broken down like a bunch of crazies; that's for sure. There were some good family moments and some good faith discussions that made us think of the real meaning of life and things that comforted us together, but after that, there we were back to regular life away from it all. Away from the realness?
I did the music and sang at church at Christmas Day, but then realized why it was far from my best. (I so bombed it due to some allergies, my guitar, and hard notes, but that was another story...) Because my heart was not in it at all, even though I did try to re-connect to Jesus becoming man again for our love. It was a quiet day but at the same time I felt ok knowing my family was having a crappy time too. Like at least we were all in unity. I had actually forgotten that (apart from my mom) I didn't call my brothers or the kids in the 3 weeks I was back. It was like that same deep dark depression and sadness had taken over me and I didn't know who I was again.
I kept asking myself when am I going to have a big huge breakdown as I had barely cried; just here and there and still felt in shock, due to some circumstances. It was then I arrived at the Rise Up Conference in Winnipeg for the last week of December, put on by CCO Canada (Catholic Christian Outreach). Basically, they are a 20 year old, non-profit organization that is across Canada on various campuses and other events big and small to reach young Catholics and inspire them with the Jesus message. And training at the same time, so that after having their lives changed, can be equiped to spread that joy with others one by one. Instead of just going to something nice and then coming home to the life you had before.
I will just say that is was beyond amazing to be in a huge ballroom with 500 young adults that share your beliefs in some way, small or big, from many places all over Canada. To a person that has gone to so many workshops, retreats, and conferences, I realized that big life changes can happen many times in one lifetime. We can never have enough, because like how life had turned my world upside down and made me rethink everything, I needed a fresh start again...and again...and again. It was little by little and talk by talk and song by song that really made such a big impact. When I first got there, I could barely move; all I could do was sit there and not a word came out of my mouth, plus I missed the first evening of talks and had to wake up early, which I was so not used to doing. It took me a while, but it was God filling me up with new stuff to help take away chunks of pain and sadness that had taken up more space inside than it should have.
Like darkness to light, from death to new life, from old turning into new, I was finding myself slowly again. There were things I was inspired to do, dreams I was inspired to dream, and life that was not all about death anymore. Even with a super duper high fever in bed during the New Year's party, my cousins came up to pray for me and I felt a light coolness come over me that somehow made me make it downstairs to join the party for a few hours. And people that party from 5pm to 3am non-stop with no booze; wow...ok...
Christmas lasted longer this year, as it seemed God wanted me to experience what I thought I had so missed out. Sometimes it is your heart and your relationship (or issues) with God that crowd out everything else that seems unnecessary. There are so many things that like the parable of the sower and the seed, that tell me about the seed that just fell however it did on rocky bad ground. Some of the seeds sprouted up but never lasted, and some of them just died on the spot. Although I feel like them alot, when things come along and stomp on the seeds and crush them and blow them away with the wind, I want to be different.
I want to be like the seeds that landed on the really good soil and the good ground, that no matter what came up, it grew strong and had deep roots and such life and nothing was able to stop it from growing into the most beautiful, full, green and huge tree that people can enjoy and little animals can make their homes in. Who will never be perfect but always useful and never giving up. So, I am just taking things as they come and know that I can handle it with Jesus' help a little more this time, because how do I know that God allowed me to go through something that to someone else, would shatter them completely. He knows time can heal all wounds and forgiveness is key and he is something more dependable than we are.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas and What it Means to Me, Even Now...
My birthday (and my brothers on the same day) fell this year only 2 days after my father's funeral. That was also a blur, as I realized that day will never be the same for any of us. I lived at home till I was 25 and was very close to my parents and still was, having spent almost 4 months with them recently. Birthdays were always such a big thing to me, whether I was 5 and my brothers were 15, 17, and 20, and at least one of them were always around in some way. Even though the money was always scarce, it wasn't about the money. My parents always made it as if I was the most important person ever to be born on this earth. When I grew up, I missed the "little" things like my mother waking me up and always being the first one to give me a card and a gift. Or my dad, giving me a big chunk of havarti cheese (as we are were both cheese lovers) and wrapping it in 5 different things somehow ending up in a gigantic box.
Simple and loving. That's how Jesus wants us to be at Christmas, because it's his birthday. He is the reason we go to church (even once a year) and believe what we do. He is the reason why the bible is real. His story is not just a fairy tale; it is a real time in history that is much more important than any of our plans for eating, drinking, or spending. Look to little things and people that you love, instead of focusing on maxing out your credit cards and going into debt because you "have to" buy every single person a gift or they will look down on you. You can't please everyone all of the time.
This recent trip to see my family was different. It made me realize just how much I honestly and truly love my family. Because sometimes you have to be without something to really get how precious it is. It was a long enough/short trip to reconcile and reunite with some, but to also say goodbye to the greatest father (pa) and friend that a girl could ever have. I never thought my family life growing up was even close to roses and sunshine, but as you get older you realize no one is perfect; no, not even you. To really look inside people's hearts, their past, their hurts, their struggles and stories to understand where they came from and why they do the things they do.
I think that our family has become so much closer in the past 2 years, through lots of sadness, emptiness, and shock, but much more through those things otherwise known as faith, love, and hope in an eternal life. What about all the people that have lost loved ones and are all alone at Christmas? What are they going to be excited about at Christmas time, when all you see around you is decorations, trees, presents, family dinners, caroling, and love love love love. And sappy holiday TV specials. (OK, I do like those.)
I thought about someone that I used to be so jealous of. I saw few flaws in her for as long as I have known her and she's a modern day Martha Stewart type of working housewife, with a loving hard-working husband, and what I saw as always the perfect house, clothes or life. I had to realize that I never knew her behind-the- scenes struggles and what it took for them to get to where they are in life. I never knew that she would also have to experience a deep tragic loss and how I saw such huge faith and hope in her and her husband, that was more of an example to me than anything they own. It was then that I was so proud of her and her family and what it toook for them to achieve their dreams.
I am a simple person with simple dreams, but it doesn't mean that I have to give them up because I have tried too many times and failed. You just keep going, sometimes because you have no other choice, but through it all you become closer to the people around you that are always there to support and love you. My pa was a very simple man, that always worked and slaved as a stone mason, even when the weather was bad outside and he was battling his hip problems and other things. He showed me that when you give everything you have of yourself to others and just try your best, and value your family and friends more than anything, that is what counts. But then again, it is so hard to put into words everything he taught me and everything that he meant to me.
One Christmas (years ago) when we were all sitting around the table for our meal, all of a sudden my dad happily blurted out of nowhere, "Baby Jesus says, NEVER GIVE UP!" Then there was silence and laughter. How many times I heard him say that phrase after and how many times my mom and I would encourage him with those words. I know this Christmas will be hard, but I am going to try to focus on the gift that is Jesus; the reason for my faith and hope. Here is an exerpt from our church bulletin about Jesus' birth and him being called Emmanuel (God is with us):
"Faith in Christ doesn't remove any of the pains inherent within the human condition, including the pain of doubting God's existance. Faith promises no magic pass-cards.
What it does promise is that God will be with us so that we do not have to walk through loneliness, sickness, violence, anxiety, fear, and death alone. We have a hand to grasp, a love to embrace, a truth to cling to, and a power to sustain us (even through death itself). We walk in the same world as everyone else, but, like a young child holding on to her mother's hand as she walks into school for the first time, we are not alone; a trusted, sustaining, guiding love walks with us. God doesn't remove us from what can hurt us, but walks with us amidst it all.
In the present, God often seems absent. Yet, when we turn around and look back in our lives, when we look back at our story, we more easily see how God has been there all along and how we have walked in a divine presence, protection, guidance, and love that we were oblivious to at the time, but is clear in retrospect. We see God more clearly in our past than in our present.
This can be helpful in understanding how Christ is present to us, even when we don't always feel like it. Faith doesn't promise us a ladder to crawl out of the pains of life, it promises a friend to walk with through those pains. Mostly though it's only when we look back in our lives that we see that this friend has always been there."
So for me, I will choose to celebrate Jesus, my family and friends that are still living, and the love and hope that comforts me at night. And to know I will see my dad (and brother) again one day.
Friday, October 16, 2009
GIVE THANKS....GIVE THANKS...
Didn't write about thanksgiving day (although had a good one with my family) as then the rest of the week was not too thanksgiving-ish and I just got too depressed-ish. Earlier in the week, a cousin in the family lost her unborn baby and then the funeral day was the 2nd anniversary of my oldest brother's passing (see Oct 9th posting.) One thing happened one after another, because when it rains it pours, like VANCOUVER. But, I was inspired (as I often am) with my friend Nathan's positive encouragement and always so so so beautifully poetic Facebook status'. I am thankful of so many things, I really am, so here it goes.
Thankful for a free 13lb turkey from my mom's friend. It was my first turkey I ever cooked and turned out just awesome; even took a photo of it 'cuz I am such a geek that way. Fed all 11 of us and then leftovers for most of the week and the best ever huge pot of soup that I made from it. Sick of it now, but it is food and for that I am grateful. (Hmmm, wish the pumpkin pie would have lasted that long; wonder who finished it off the moment the last guest left, along with the rest of the tub of cool whip? Well, at least I was good with my calories all week...)
Thankful for family that drives me crazy sometimes or a lot of the time, but when I was far away and helpless to not be able to get to them when they needed me, that was so much worse. At least for now I am with family here that has loved me for 32 years.
I am thankful for the awesome heater in my old bedroom and at least a room to myself. Even though the furnace here does not work at all and needs to somehow be replaced soon and my heater stopped working the other night, I am thankful that it is working again. And my back is oh so thankful for that. And found an old sweater and jacket of mine that still fits as I only came prepared for summer really and barely fall.
I am thankful for my mother, even with all her health issues that she's always had to live with and deal with for 32 years. I teased her a few weeks ago that her swollen eyelid reminded me of a cross between something that someone beat up in a dark alley and Jesus in the Passion of the Christ movie, and she just laughed. So the other day when she phoned me from the hospital after being in the emergency room(s) for 8 hours and how they gave her nothing for her shooting pain in her head from her bad eyes, she said how she thought of Jesus beaten on the cross and how much of a worse shape he was in.
Yes, I am now thinking of so many funny times that seemed to make the hard times so forgettable and not even worth remembering.
I am thankful for a good buddy of ours that made it possible for me to get out here this time and for all the times I made necessary and urgent trips back and forth from BC to Winnipeg and back to BC again. In pretty much all those times, I had no idea how I would pay for things, how I would get back, or how I would even pay the rest of the bills for the month. It was so stressful, but you know, I don't even remember the stress. I just remember that I made it and lived to tell and it was all worth it. And for good friends that stick by you through good and bad, because if not, they are not worthy to even be called a friend.
So many times we were on edge and never knew what tommorow would bring, but we made it through it all and now we can encourage and advise others that are going through the same.
From the Message Bible: James 1: 26-27 "Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."
So Nathan, keep up being positive, as it does matter and I am passing it on to every one of you.
Thankful for a free 13lb turkey from my mom's friend. It was my first turkey I ever cooked and turned out just awesome; even took a photo of it 'cuz I am such a geek that way. Fed all 11 of us and then leftovers for most of the week and the best ever huge pot of soup that I made from it. Sick of it now, but it is food and for that I am grateful. (Hmmm, wish the pumpkin pie would have lasted that long; wonder who finished it off the moment the last guest left, along with the rest of the tub of cool whip? Well, at least I was good with my calories all week...)
Thankful for family that drives me crazy sometimes or a lot of the time, but when I was far away and helpless to not be able to get to them when they needed me, that was so much worse. At least for now I am with family here that has loved me for 32 years.
I am thankful for the awesome heater in my old bedroom and at least a room to myself. Even though the furnace here does not work at all and needs to somehow be replaced soon and my heater stopped working the other night, I am thankful that it is working again. And my back is oh so thankful for that. And found an old sweater and jacket of mine that still fits as I only came prepared for summer really and barely fall.
I am thankful for my mother, even with all her health issues that she's always had to live with and deal with for 32 years. I teased her a few weeks ago that her swollen eyelid reminded me of a cross between something that someone beat up in a dark alley and Jesus in the Passion of the Christ movie, and she just laughed. So the other day when she phoned me from the hospital after being in the emergency room(s) for 8 hours and how they gave her nothing for her shooting pain in her head from her bad eyes, she said how she thought of Jesus beaten on the cross and how much of a worse shape he was in.
Yes, I am now thinking of so many funny times that seemed to make the hard times so forgettable and not even worth remembering.
I am thankful for a good buddy of ours that made it possible for me to get out here this time and for all the times I made necessary and urgent trips back and forth from BC to Winnipeg and back to BC again. In pretty much all those times, I had no idea how I would pay for things, how I would get back, or how I would even pay the rest of the bills for the month. It was so stressful, but you know, I don't even remember the stress. I just remember that I made it and lived to tell and it was all worth it. And for good friends that stick by you through good and bad, because if not, they are not worthy to even be called a friend.
So many times we were on edge and never knew what tommorow would bring, but we made it through it all and now we can encourage and advise others that are going through the same.
From the Message Bible: James 1: 26-27 "Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."
So Nathan, keep up being positive, as it does matter and I am passing it on to every one of you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Technology, Telemarketers, and Time for Quiet...
I am also a night person, so I have trouble shutting everything off and settling down for the evening. I have to use every force in my body to steer myself to my bed and stay in it. It's just that my mind is used to going a million miles an hour while my body lags behind. Recently, I made myself a promise that I would START to turn things off at 9pm and have some quiet time. HA; NO!!!
Plus my house duties here at my parents' house of receptionist/information desk/appointment maker/white and yellow pages/google directory/chef/transportation coordinator/financial advisor/banker/grocery shopper...and I forgot GPS. When one brother calls, I actually answer it, "Hello, reception?" and when the other brother calls from the road, I look up google or mapquest info for him. See, my multi-tasking, organizational, and phone duties from my 15 years in the career world does count for something!
And then there are telemarketers, which account for maybe 30% of the 20 calls a day we seem to get here. Although they are a great anonymous cover so that I don't always have to be nice sweet Maria, they are so frustrating as you all know. The caller id's could show cell number, unknown, private, or the old 1-800 number at any time of night or day, and no respect for what you are going through in life. Hello!!!??? I have nothing better to do than answer you during all the other calls from hospital, care home, doctor, eye specialist, arthritis specialist, furnace repair (cuz our heat doesn't work), bank, family, friends. (The last two I always look forward to though.)
I have it downpat like a fine art. When they say "Hello, Can I talk to __________ (my parents)?" I say right away, "No, I am handling the calls; what company are you calling from?" Sometimes they actually tell me and I can barely understand what they are saying or they could be insistant and won't. Doesn't stop me whatsoever. I say, "Sorry, we are not interested, goodbye" and hang up on them (nicely if that is possible). If they're rude, talk over me, or get snotty as if they are the most important person I will talk to that day, I am extra pleasant and add, "Please don't call here ever again" before I hang up. It works.
Although I do thrive in these environments in a strange way, yes, you could say I really miss my quiet time. Quietness is the only way we can really hear God better and ourselves. If we're always around work, technology, or things every single minute of the day, sooner or later we will stop even noticing the things that are truly important in life. We will overlook human beings because we are just too busy. Too busy for ourselves, too busy to help others that need us, and too busy to connect to God, who is in the middle of it all. It is as if the huge loud noises of life drown out the little still small voices of our God inside us. There were so many inspirations and ideas and encouragement that came to me when I was quiet and not doing anything at all and not even when I was expecting it. When I really needed it badly.
I remember one year in the middle of Lent, our computer crashed and I was without it for about a week while it was being fixed. Oh my gosh, are you kidding? I just sat in my computer chair wondering what I was going to do next and wandering about the house aimlessly. That is pretty sad, but I know 99% of you reading this would feel the same way, even if you just use a computer for Facebook?
Really, I just need to take more time to smell the roses. Or in my case, time away from telemarketers.
Friday, October 9, 2009
IN MEMORY OF MY BROTHER...AND ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS...
Exactly 2 years ago Saturday, my oldest brother passed away. I will never forget it because I was in my apartment in Winnipeg in the wee hours of the morning (something like 3:30 am there.) I had been feeling sick in the middle of the night, taken too much advil (and discovered I am allergic to it) and finishing an almost fainting spell and throwing up. Shortly after, the phone rang.
No call is ever good when it comes at 3:30 in the morning. All I remember was the silence of the apartment and me standing there staring at the phone while it was ringing. I knew I didn't want to walk to the phone; I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pick it up, because then it would mean he was really gone. It was one of my other brothers on the phone and there was probably only a few words said, like "Flav's gone" and then I just said, "OK" and hung up.
Sometimes there are moments when time freezes and everything around you stands still, as if you were on the outside of it all looking in. And the things you thought were so important in your own little world are a complete nothing, a zero in comparison.
I moved from BC to Winnipeg 2 summers ago and I remember being bummed because Flavio didn't come see me before we left. No one ever really saw him much just because that was just the way he was. There was so much of my life that he never knew. Him being 15 years older, I remember him teaching me how to ride a bike, sneaking me out of the house to take me to White Spot, taking me to the Zoo, Stanley Park, and the PNE. Always wanting to know what I wanted to do with my life, living simply, and the only person in the world that truly didn't care what other people thought or said of him. He was oh so funny in his quiet and sarcastic way and many say I look like him, even though I was blessed to somehow grow into a somewhat combination of all 3 brothers.
Not even 2 months after I moved away, I got the news that he was very sick. I don't even remember if it was someone else that told me or if it was him in his very casual usual sort of way. He never wanted anyone to know a thing and he wanted to protect us all, joking and laughing and talking as if nothing had changed and there was no hospital bed and tubes in the way. It was just too big though at that point.
I will never forget the next call in only July (a month after I heard he was sick) to basically get out there as quick as I could to see him while he was still alive. I always had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, even though there are many people that get dignosed with cancer and live quite a long time or even get it several times and live for years. I remember being so stressed at work and overloaded with no one to train me and a huge project underway. When that call came, everything else meant nothing; Ie just packed a suitcase and took off. I didn't know what to expect, but I just knew that God would keep him alive till we got there. I just knew.
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I thank God I had the chance to see him in the hospital, at least for a short visit, but I wish I would have stayed much longer. I felt so helpless, not being there after, as it just got harder very quickly for everyone. Looking back, I would have gladly endured job and home loss just to have been at his side more. But I knew I had to leave eventually, plus I didn't know what to say; this now growup sister and this dying brother. None of us knew how to handle it though and it was hard to be faced with such a time shortage in our "reuniting" with a brother/son/uncle and all the mixed bag of emotions that came with it. I felt like an outsider and so detached from everyone else as I had such a different (and shorter) history with him and such a big age gap.
I was upset that I never had alone time with him as there were always other people around and I never fought for it as I was too scared and didn't even known what to say. He was a man of so few words anyhow. At the same time, I could tell he was so happy that I was there just in the special looks he gave me and the way he would stop and stare at me, regardless of what was going on in the room. On the last visit, it was so hard to leave because I knew I would never see him again. How can you put all the love that your heart contains into a few words like, "Bye Flav, see you later..." I don't know how I managed to get on the plane back to Winnipeg and leave him there.
I tried to call him after I got back, but I even knew then that it was just not enough. I was too scared and didn't know what to say and so I could not bring myself to call. I wish I had called him everyday, but I cannot go back in time and he would not want me to either. I had to deal with everything I felt and I know he (and God) understands. It was a short 2 months later (4 months from when I found out he was sick) that I got the last call on that quiet October morning to say he was gone. Again, when I flew out for the funeral and left to return to Winnipeg, it was hard to "leave him" behind.
That last trip was different. I saw something different in our tiny family. Through the sadness and grief, we all bonded together more than we had ever had need to do. We had some silly times in the middle of it, that we can't really tell too many people as they would think we are crazy, and it made me love my dysfunctional family even more. The only other time I felt it was when my nephew was born stillborn; at full term and the first big loss that I had gone through in our family (at least at an adult age.) I cannnot even begin to imagine what a parent goes through as it must be a million times beyond what my heart has ever felt. And I see in those parents an incredible strength that is out of this dimension.
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Sometimes when people die, they tend to become idols in our minds like a god. Maybe it's because we knew them but now they have attained eternal life, which we cannot wrap our minds around. Maybe it is to honor them because we didn't when they were alive. Maybe we can't let them go and want to keep them alive and close to us somehow. Why is it so incredibly hard to part with an item they gave us or an item that belonged to them? We just don't want them or our memories to fade into nothing, like their earthly bodies.
I have already talked alot in my blogs about my faith, heaven, and all that spiritual stuff, and there are many really good bible passages about resurrection that would make my blog another 8 pages. My hope in this life is actually the next life. I still give this life my all, but when it's your time to go, you can't do anything to change it. Christianity is worth nothing to me if I don't believe I will see Flav, my other relatives, and loved ones. Then there is also no point to following Jesus, going to church, reading the bible, or praying.
Was debating all week whether I should go to the cemetary (was there for the burial) as I am still out here. I love the earthly place where his body is as my dear and much loved brother and respect it for that reason, but his soul is not there and it is just not the same. Maybe next time. I know that at least I've come along far enough to not feel like I am "leaving him" again and that feels good and freeing.
The songs below were some of the versions of the songs from the funeral as there was no way I wanted it to be a stranger playing slow dark gloomy depressing organ songs (not to knock organs as they have their place), but a beautiful memorial of old meets new, to celebrate his life and the life to come.
I Can Only Imagine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII
I am the Bread of Life (I will Raise him up):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2bQ0Z_F9BY
You are Mine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMYP4uJAqY&feature=related
No call is ever good when it comes at 3:30 in the morning. All I remember was the silence of the apartment and me standing there staring at the phone while it was ringing. I knew I didn't want to walk to the phone; I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pick it up, because then it would mean he was really gone. It was one of my other brothers on the phone and there was probably only a few words said, like "Flav's gone" and then I just said, "OK" and hung up.
Sometimes there are moments when time freezes and everything around you stands still, as if you were on the outside of it all looking in. And the things you thought were so important in your own little world are a complete nothing, a zero in comparison.
I moved from BC to Winnipeg 2 summers ago and I remember being bummed because Flavio didn't come see me before we left. No one ever really saw him much just because that was just the way he was. There was so much of my life that he never knew. Him being 15 years older, I remember him teaching me how to ride a bike, sneaking me out of the house to take me to White Spot, taking me to the Zoo, Stanley Park, and the PNE. Always wanting to know what I wanted to do with my life, living simply, and the only person in the world that truly didn't care what other people thought or said of him. He was oh so funny in his quiet and sarcastic way and many say I look like him, even though I was blessed to somehow grow into a somewhat combination of all 3 brothers.
Not even 2 months after I moved away, I got the news that he was very sick. I don't even remember if it was someone else that told me or if it was him in his very casual usual sort of way. He never wanted anyone to know a thing and he wanted to protect us all, joking and laughing and talking as if nothing had changed and there was no hospital bed and tubes in the way. It was just too big though at that point.
I will never forget the next call in only July (a month after I heard he was sick) to basically get out there as quick as I could to see him while he was still alive. I always had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, even though there are many people that get dignosed with cancer and live quite a long time or even get it several times and live for years. I remember being so stressed at work and overloaded with no one to train me and a huge project underway. When that call came, everything else meant nothing; Ie just packed a suitcase and took off. I didn't know what to expect, but I just knew that God would keep him alive till we got there. I just knew.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thank God I had the chance to see him in the hospital, at least for a short visit, but I wish I would have stayed much longer. I felt so helpless, not being there after, as it just got harder very quickly for everyone. Looking back, I would have gladly endured job and home loss just to have been at his side more. But I knew I had to leave eventually, plus I didn't know what to say; this now growup sister and this dying brother. None of us knew how to handle it though and it was hard to be faced with such a time shortage in our "reuniting" with a brother/son/uncle and all the mixed bag of emotions that came with it. I felt like an outsider and so detached from everyone else as I had such a different (and shorter) history with him and such a big age gap.
I was upset that I never had alone time with him as there were always other people around and I never fought for it as I was too scared and didn't even known what to say. He was a man of so few words anyhow. At the same time, I could tell he was so happy that I was there just in the special looks he gave me and the way he would stop and stare at me, regardless of what was going on in the room. On the last visit, it was so hard to leave because I knew I would never see him again. How can you put all the love that your heart contains into a few words like, "Bye Flav, see you later..." I don't know how I managed to get on the plane back to Winnipeg and leave him there.
I tried to call him after I got back, but I even knew then that it was just not enough. I was too scared and didn't know what to say and so I could not bring myself to call. I wish I had called him everyday, but I cannot go back in time and he would not want me to either. I had to deal with everything I felt and I know he (and God) understands. It was a short 2 months later (4 months from when I found out he was sick) that I got the last call on that quiet October morning to say he was gone. Again, when I flew out for the funeral and left to return to Winnipeg, it was hard to "leave him" behind.
That last trip was different. I saw something different in our tiny family. Through the sadness and grief, we all bonded together more than we had ever had need to do. We had some silly times in the middle of it, that we can't really tell too many people as they would think we are crazy, and it made me love my dysfunctional family even more. The only other time I felt it was when my nephew was born stillborn; at full term and the first big loss that I had gone through in our family (at least at an adult age.) I cannnot even begin to imagine what a parent goes through as it must be a million times beyond what my heart has ever felt. And I see in those parents an incredible strength that is out of this dimension.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes when people die, they tend to become idols in our minds like a god. Maybe it's because we knew them but now they have attained eternal life, which we cannot wrap our minds around. Maybe it is to honor them because we didn't when they were alive. Maybe we can't let them go and want to keep them alive and close to us somehow. Why is it so incredibly hard to part with an item they gave us or an item that belonged to them? We just don't want them or our memories to fade into nothing, like their earthly bodies.
I have already talked alot in my blogs about my faith, heaven, and all that spiritual stuff, and there are many really good bible passages about resurrection that would make my blog another 8 pages. My hope in this life is actually the next life. I still give this life my all, but when it's your time to go, you can't do anything to change it. Christianity is worth nothing to me if I don't believe I will see Flav, my other relatives, and loved ones. Then there is also no point to following Jesus, going to church, reading the bible, or praying.
Was debating all week whether I should go to the cemetary (was there for the burial) as I am still out here. I love the earthly place where his body is as my dear and much loved brother and respect it for that reason, but his soul is not there and it is just not the same. Maybe next time. I know that at least I've come along far enough to not feel like I am "leaving him" again and that feels good and freeing.
The songs below were some of the versions of the songs from the funeral as there was no way I wanted it to be a stranger playing slow dark gloomy depressing organ songs (not to knock organs as they have their place), but a beautiful memorial of old meets new, to celebrate his life and the life to come.
I Can Only Imagine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII
I am the Bread of Life (I will Raise him up):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2bQ0Z_F9BY
You are Mine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMYP4uJAqY&feature=related
Friday, October 2, 2009
ABOUT CRAZY ITALIANS, CATACOMBS, AND FAITH...
Italy is dear to me, not only because it is part of my beautiful family heritage, but because of Rome and early church history. I've never had a chance to go, but there have been many people of other countries, faiths, and religions who have gone and absolutely loved it. I've never heard of anyone going and hating it. No, it seems to change the way you look at life.
One thing about Italians is that when you are in the family (no matter how far back or how connected), you are one of them forever. That is pretty true of my brother's in-laws, which make up our family since I was in Gr. 7. With 20 years of knowing them, they're such a part of our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't there. Fun, food, and always loud, which is just happy and normal to us. Yelling is multi-purpose; could mean you are having fun or you are really mad...
The early Christians didn't have much as far as material things go, plus their best friend and God was taken away from them by a horrible death. They were left alone, frightened, and confused---at first. They had to bond together and sold what they had to look after each other so that no one ever went hungry or homeless. Pentecost came and God's spirit shook the building, the room they were hiding in, and their souls right to the core of their being. They now had his amazing power to take on the world, preach to anyone in hearing range, heal the sick and cast out demons, and suffer for their beliefs.
Sometimes we get so used to hearing about the Saints and Martyrs that we take it for granted and what we celebrate at church becomes just a ritual, instead of realizing that it is the way, the truth, and the life. Looking up the catacombs gave me a much greater and deeper appreciation for my faith and backround. Italians were not Catholic because they were born into it, in their family/culture, or were baptized and go to church twice a year. If that were the case, it would have meant nothing to them in their daily lives or at the point of their deaths. It wasn't just about celebrating feast days or something they admired from a distance and then put back on the shelf for next time.
It was worth giving up everything for.
http://www.catacombe.roma.it/en/import.html
The Martyrdom of St. Cyprian
It would have been very useful and edifying to have the reports of the trials of the martyrs Pontianus, Fabian, Cornelius, Sixtus II, Eusebius, Cecilia... Unfortunately, during the tremendous persecution of Diocletian the archives of the Church of Rome were destroyed.
But the reports of St. Cyprian's trial have come down to us. The Acta were read in the Christian communities for the glory of the Martyr in order to strengthen others in the moment of their ordeal. We can therefore assume that the reports of the trial of the other martyrs just cited were written in much the same way.
Carthage, 14th September 258.
" On the morning of September 14 a large crowd gathered at Sesti by order of proconsul Galerius Maximus. And the same proconsul Galerius Maximus bade that Cyprian should be brought to the hearing which he conducted on that same day in the 'Sauciolus Hall'. When bishop Cyprian stood before him, the proconsul said to him:
'Are you Tascius Ciprianus?' Bishop Cyprian answered: ' Yes, I am.
Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: ' Are you the one who has presented himself as the leader of a sacrilegious sect' Bishop Cyprian answered: ' I am'.
Galerius Maximus said: ' The most holy emperors bid you to sacrifice'. Bishop Cyprian said: ' I will not do it'.
Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: 'Think it over'. Bishop Cyprian said: ' Do what you have been ordered to do. In such a just cause there is nothing to think over'.
Galerius Maximus, after conferring with the college of magistrates, with difficulty and unwillingly pronounced this sentence: ' You have long lived sacrilegiously and have gathered many in your criminal sect, and set yourself up as an enemy of the Roman gods and of their religious rites. The pious and most holy Augusti emperors Valerian and Gallienus, and Valerian most noble Caesar, failed to bring you back to the observance of their religious ceremonies.
Therefore, since you have been seen to be the instigator of the worst of crimes, we shall make an example of you before those whom you have associated with yourself in these wicked actions. The respect for the law will be sanctioned by your blood'. Having said this he read out in a loud voice from a tablet the decree: 'I order that Tascius Ciprianus be punished by being beheaded'. Bishop Cyprian said: 'Thanks be to God'.
Following the sentence, the crowd of Christian brethren said: ' We want to be beheaded with him'. At this there was great agitation among the brethren and a large crowd followed him. Thus Cyprian was led into the countryside of Sesti, and there he took off his cloak and hood, knelt on the ground and prostrated himself in prayer to the Lord. He then removed his dalmatic and gave it to the deacons, leaving himself only in his linen garment, and so waited for the executioner.
When the latter arrived, the bishop ordered his own followers to give the executioner twenty-five gold pieces. Meanwhile his brethren held out pieces of cloth and handkerchiefs ( to receive the blood as relics). Then the great Cyprian with his own hands bandaged his eyes, but since he could not tie the corners of the handkerchief, presbyter Julian and subdeacon Julian went to help him.
Thus bishop Cyprian was martyred and his body, because of the curiosity of the pagans, was placed in a place nearby where it was hidden from their indiscreet eyes. It was then carried away at night with lighted flares and torches and accompanied as far as the cemetery of procurator Macrobius Candidianus, which is in the 'Huts' Road near the Baths. A few days later, proconsul Galerius Maximus died.
The holy bishop Cyprian was martyred on September 14th under emperors Valerian and Gallienus, but in the reign of our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom all honour and glory be forever. Amen". (From the Acta Proconsularia,3-6).
One thing about Italians is that when you are in the family (no matter how far back or how connected), you are one of them forever. That is pretty true of my brother's in-laws, which make up our family since I was in Gr. 7. With 20 years of knowing them, they're such a part of our lives that it's hard to remember when they weren't there. Fun, food, and always loud, which is just happy and normal to us. Yelling is multi-purpose; could mean you are having fun or you are really mad...
The early Christians didn't have much as far as material things go, plus their best friend and God was taken away from them by a horrible death. They were left alone, frightened, and confused---at first. They had to bond together and sold what they had to look after each other so that no one ever went hungry or homeless. Pentecost came and God's spirit shook the building, the room they were hiding in, and their souls right to the core of their being. They now had his amazing power to take on the world, preach to anyone in hearing range, heal the sick and cast out demons, and suffer for their beliefs.
Sometimes we get so used to hearing about the Saints and Martyrs that we take it for granted and what we celebrate at church becomes just a ritual, instead of realizing that it is the way, the truth, and the life. Looking up the catacombs gave me a much greater and deeper appreciation for my faith and backround. Italians were not Catholic because they were born into it, in their family/culture, or were baptized and go to church twice a year. If that were the case, it would have meant nothing to them in their daily lives or at the point of their deaths. It wasn't just about celebrating feast days or something they admired from a distance and then put back on the shelf for next time.
It was worth giving up everything for.
http://www.catacombe.roma.it/en/import.html
The Martyrdom of St. Cyprian
It would have been very useful and edifying to have the reports of the trials of the martyrs Pontianus, Fabian, Cornelius, Sixtus II, Eusebius, Cecilia... Unfortunately, during the tremendous persecution of Diocletian the archives of the Church of Rome were destroyed.
But the reports of St. Cyprian's trial have come down to us. The Acta were read in the Christian communities for the glory of the Martyr in order to strengthen others in the moment of their ordeal. We can therefore assume that the reports of the trial of the other martyrs just cited were written in much the same way.
Carthage, 14th September 258.
" On the morning of September 14 a large crowd gathered at Sesti by order of proconsul Galerius Maximus. And the same proconsul Galerius Maximus bade that Cyprian should be brought to the hearing which he conducted on that same day in the 'Sauciolus Hall'. When bishop Cyprian stood before him, the proconsul said to him:
'Are you Tascius Ciprianus?' Bishop Cyprian answered: ' Yes, I am.
Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: ' Are you the one who has presented himself as the leader of a sacrilegious sect' Bishop Cyprian answered: ' I am'.
Galerius Maximus said: ' The most holy emperors bid you to sacrifice'. Bishop Cyprian said: ' I will not do it'.
Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: 'Think it over'. Bishop Cyprian said: ' Do what you have been ordered to do. In such a just cause there is nothing to think over'.
Galerius Maximus, after conferring with the college of magistrates, with difficulty and unwillingly pronounced this sentence: ' You have long lived sacrilegiously and have gathered many in your criminal sect, and set yourself up as an enemy of the Roman gods and of their religious rites. The pious and most holy Augusti emperors Valerian and Gallienus, and Valerian most noble Caesar, failed to bring you back to the observance of their religious ceremonies.
Therefore, since you have been seen to be the instigator of the worst of crimes, we shall make an example of you before those whom you have associated with yourself in these wicked actions. The respect for the law will be sanctioned by your blood'. Having said this he read out in a loud voice from a tablet the decree: 'I order that Tascius Ciprianus be punished by being beheaded'. Bishop Cyprian said: 'Thanks be to God'.
Following the sentence, the crowd of Christian brethren said: ' We want to be beheaded with him'. At this there was great agitation among the brethren and a large crowd followed him. Thus Cyprian was led into the countryside of Sesti, and there he took off his cloak and hood, knelt on the ground and prostrated himself in prayer to the Lord. He then removed his dalmatic and gave it to the deacons, leaving himself only in his linen garment, and so waited for the executioner.
When the latter arrived, the bishop ordered his own followers to give the executioner twenty-five gold pieces. Meanwhile his brethren held out pieces of cloth and handkerchiefs ( to receive the blood as relics). Then the great Cyprian with his own hands bandaged his eyes, but since he could not tie the corners of the handkerchief, presbyter Julian and subdeacon Julian went to help him.
Thus bishop Cyprian was martyred and his body, because of the curiosity of the pagans, was placed in a place nearby where it was hidden from their indiscreet eyes. It was then carried away at night with lighted flares and torches and accompanied as far as the cemetery of procurator Macrobius Candidianus, which is in the 'Huts' Road near the Baths. A few days later, proconsul Galerius Maximus died.
The holy bishop Cyprian was martyred on September 14th under emperors Valerian and Gallienus, but in the reign of our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom all honour and glory be forever. Amen". (From the Acta Proconsularia,3-6).
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The War Within Me...
Sometimes I really struggle with myself. The self and inner part of me that perhaps no one knows. The selfish me, the dark me, the horrible hypocrite that I never show to the rest of the world. We all have our hidden selves.
It is the part of me that only God sees and forgives and loves 24/7 and yet I still hate how very ungodly it makes me. To confront it and admit it though is very healing and freeing as I want no additional baggage than that which life already throws at me. Today, in the secret of my heart, I had a chance to go to God with one of my usual struggles. To paraphrase St. Paul, "the good I really want to do I just don't do at all and the bad I really don't want to do I end up doing anyways."
Sometimes I am such a Paul (on his "good" days), fearless and strong in the face of trouble, remembering what kind of life God saved me from and not caring what anyone thinks or says. Sometimes I am a Peter, denying that I walk with Christ, the risen Lord and God and my best friend. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself and don't know why I act in cowardice, fear, or embarrassment. Sometimes I am a Thomas, doubting what I have already experienced and known for so many years, always needing more proof and for God to directly come down from heaven to answer me every time.
But it is not about me, because I am not perfect, though I wish I was. It is about the grace and mercy and justice that is freely extended to us as a remedy for our very selves; although no one deserves it at all in our human state and can do nothing to earn it (like air miles.) The enemy of our souls wants us down, defeated, depressed, doomed, dismal, dark...because then we won't even believe that God can want us or love us and we are no good to anyone that needs us. Thank the Lord for what he has said and done already, so that I don't have to wonder about it.
1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And 2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret."
I was wanting to share about the concert I went to on Sunday (Matt Redman/Casting Crowns), but it was an experience that is best summed up in these songs, even though they all got me choked up. And I never used to get emotional about anything. There is something earth shattering about playing or hearing a song live that you simply cannot capture on the radio or youtube, but at least it will give you an idea. With the first song, Matt Redman shared that he and his wife wrote it after her 4th miscarriage and then at another point, the lead singer of Casting Crowns shared about his struggles with dyslexia and ADHD.
"You Never Let Go": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA&feature=related
"Who am I": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqk53sAxLmg&feature=PlayList&p=89C062EC00D22EA8&index=0
2 Corinthians from the Message Bible:
5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And one of my most favorite songs of all time that I loved doing at mass at St. Joe's, which goes along with the above verses:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYa7cXyKuFY
It is the part of me that only God sees and forgives and loves 24/7 and yet I still hate how very ungodly it makes me. To confront it and admit it though is very healing and freeing as I want no additional baggage than that which life already throws at me. Today, in the secret of my heart, I had a chance to go to God with one of my usual struggles. To paraphrase St. Paul, "the good I really want to do I just don't do at all and the bad I really don't want to do I end up doing anyways."
Sometimes I am such a Paul (on his "good" days), fearless and strong in the face of trouble, remembering what kind of life God saved me from and not caring what anyone thinks or says. Sometimes I am a Peter, denying that I walk with Christ, the risen Lord and God and my best friend. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself and don't know why I act in cowardice, fear, or embarrassment. Sometimes I am a Thomas, doubting what I have already experienced and known for so many years, always needing more proof and for God to directly come down from heaven to answer me every time.
But it is not about me, because I am not perfect, though I wish I was. It is about the grace and mercy and justice that is freely extended to us as a remedy for our very selves; although no one deserves it at all in our human state and can do nothing to earn it (like air miles.) The enemy of our souls wants us down, defeated, depressed, doomed, dismal, dark...because then we won't even believe that God can want us or love us and we are no good to anyone that needs us. Thank the Lord for what he has said and done already, so that I don't have to wonder about it.
1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And 2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret."
I was wanting to share about the concert I went to on Sunday (Matt Redman/Casting Crowns), but it was an experience that is best summed up in these songs, even though they all got me choked up. And I never used to get emotional about anything. There is something earth shattering about playing or hearing a song live that you simply cannot capture on the radio or youtube, but at least it will give you an idea. With the first song, Matt Redman shared that he and his wife wrote it after her 4th miscarriage and then at another point, the lead singer of Casting Crowns shared about his struggles with dyslexia and ADHD.
"You Never Let Go": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA&feature=related
"Who am I": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqk53sAxLmg&feature=PlayList&p=89C062EC00D22EA8&index=0
2 Corinthians from the Message Bible:
5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And one of my most favorite songs of all time that I loved doing at mass at St. Joe's, which goes along with the above verses:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYa7cXyKuFY
Friday, September 25, 2009
I HATE THE WORD "RELIGION", HOW ABOUT YOU?
Ha; that got you! And not for the faint-hearted.
"Oh, there she is writing about "religion" or Jesus again..." (By the way, I don't bare my soul like this at parties or sporting events, you know.) Some people get mad when you talk about God or Jesus and want to hear none of it, yet they believe in seeing their loved ones in heaven, or believe in God somewhat, and maybe even go to church regularly. That makes no sense to me, but I could be in the slow lane? Do some think they are "religious" but do not know the God that is personally behind the prayers and the sermons? Well, as I was thinking aloud (as my family knows I always do), I have to admit that in hostile days, I was resistant to lots of "religious" things and remember basically telling God to leave me alone and that I wanted nothing to do with him or church anymore.
Well, this post is sure different than I meant it originally, but 10/10 for honesty...I totally respect the people that don't even believe at all as they live the way they believe at least and still respect my thoughts and me (because I am their friend first and foremost and just because I am Maria...) And well, I have edited this posting about a half dozen times.
How do those other people believe in heaven and life after death and God, but have no idea how to get there or if they are even going to join in. Writing consumes my life, not only because I have been writing since I was 5, but because I believe what I do now determines my eternal destiny, and maybe just maybe one other person to my experiences. I don't want to party like it's 1999 (just kidding) and do what I want and wait till I get up to the pearly gates expecting to get in. 'Cuz then Jesus won't even know who I am and no one up there will know me either and what do I do then?
Not against having fun by no means, I just think about how I live more now and more since having lost several close relatives in the past 2 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some days inspire me more than others; like this morning at church with the new priest at St. Joe's (Hispanic). Looks like just a super nice regular dude and not old (if you know what I mean), as he looks under 40 for sure. The only thing I know is that he was in the U.S for a while and was a lawyer before becoming a priest. You would have never guessed it by the way he blew me away with his enthusiasm and love for Jesus, humility and genuineness. The whole mass and gospel reading became more alive after his sermon and it felt like it was my first mass ever.
I have been having amazing and deep experiences lately at church, especially when I sit after in silence (adoration) in front of Jesus in the host in the side chapel. Yesterday, it hit me how the King of the whole world is right there in front of me and then right inside me in that little round host. If I did not believe it and feel it and experience it so, then I am actually a strung out wacko that is worshipping and praying and talking to a little piece of bread. Is something just true for one person and not another? How can one sit in church and feel nothing and someone else feel the entire kingdom of heaven come down around the altar?
Sometimes I sit and ask him the deep questions in my heart or bring him my struggles and pains. Sometimes I hear clear answers when I am truly silent, but always it is communicating with the only one who really understands my heart and knows me.
My heart was not always open, but God still manages to always get his girl. It's all about Jesus, whoever you are, and either Christianity is real or it isn't. Yup, it's hard in certain ways when everything you see is so against it, but at least I can't complain about being thrown to the lions, in jail, shipwrecked, being murdered, or tracked on the run like the show "Mantracker." In those days, they suffered it all because of their real belief in the person of Jesus.
A while ago when I was surfing the internet, I found some cool info on the early church in the year 50-100 AD (approximate) that I didn't know at all and surprised the heck out of me. I found actual whole texts of their church services and it was pretty much the mass as we celebrate today from start to finish. WOW. It was a whole lot longer surprisingly and had parts where the leader would say something and then the people would say, "Let it be so and Amen." The wording was olden day language of course, but there was something very beautiful and true about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will have to post the links on them later as I am at the library and can only open one screen at a time. Kinda like Christmas to type and sit at a screen that is like an HD TV versus my tiny 7" laptop screen.
Well, off to the conference tonight and Saturday and spending more days with my mom at home. She is coming along pretty good (except the eyes still) and I say she is good when they let her out on "parole" and my brother jokes that she is in the "spa". Free room and board, meals and dessert, bath once a week, and the nicest adjustable bed ever that my dad keeps saying he will have to steal for when she is ready to come home.
Everyday is a good day to be alive.
"Oh, there she is writing about "religion" or Jesus again..." (By the way, I don't bare my soul like this at parties or sporting events, you know.) Some people get mad when you talk about God or Jesus and want to hear none of it, yet they believe in seeing their loved ones in heaven, or believe in God somewhat, and maybe even go to church regularly. That makes no sense to me, but I could be in the slow lane? Do some think they are "religious" but do not know the God that is personally behind the prayers and the sermons? Well, as I was thinking aloud (as my family knows I always do), I have to admit that in hostile days, I was resistant to lots of "religious" things and remember basically telling God to leave me alone and that I wanted nothing to do with him or church anymore.
Well, this post is sure different than I meant it originally, but 10/10 for honesty...I totally respect the people that don't even believe at all as they live the way they believe at least and still respect my thoughts and me (because I am their friend first and foremost and just because I am Maria...) And well, I have edited this posting about a half dozen times.
How do those other people believe in heaven and life after death and God, but have no idea how to get there or if they are even going to join in. Writing consumes my life, not only because I have been writing since I was 5, but because I believe what I do now determines my eternal destiny, and maybe just maybe one other person to my experiences. I don't want to party like it's 1999 (just kidding) and do what I want and wait till I get up to the pearly gates expecting to get in. 'Cuz then Jesus won't even know who I am and no one up there will know me either and what do I do then?
Not against having fun by no means, I just think about how I live more now and more since having lost several close relatives in the past 2 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some days inspire me more than others; like this morning at church with the new priest at St. Joe's (Hispanic). Looks like just a super nice regular dude and not old (if you know what I mean), as he looks under 40 for sure. The only thing I know is that he was in the U.S for a while and was a lawyer before becoming a priest. You would have never guessed it by the way he blew me away with his enthusiasm and love for Jesus, humility and genuineness. The whole mass and gospel reading became more alive after his sermon and it felt like it was my first mass ever.
I have been having amazing and deep experiences lately at church, especially when I sit after in silence (adoration) in front of Jesus in the host in the side chapel. Yesterday, it hit me how the King of the whole world is right there in front of me and then right inside me in that little round host. If I did not believe it and feel it and experience it so, then I am actually a strung out wacko that is worshipping and praying and talking to a little piece of bread. Is something just true for one person and not another? How can one sit in church and feel nothing and someone else feel the entire kingdom of heaven come down around the altar?
Sometimes I sit and ask him the deep questions in my heart or bring him my struggles and pains. Sometimes I hear clear answers when I am truly silent, but always it is communicating with the only one who really understands my heart and knows me.
My heart was not always open, but God still manages to always get his girl. It's all about Jesus, whoever you are, and either Christianity is real or it isn't. Yup, it's hard in certain ways when everything you see is so against it, but at least I can't complain about being thrown to the lions, in jail, shipwrecked, being murdered, or tracked on the run like the show "Mantracker." In those days, they suffered it all because of their real belief in the person of Jesus.
A while ago when I was surfing the internet, I found some cool info on the early church in the year 50-100 AD (approximate) that I didn't know at all and surprised the heck out of me. I found actual whole texts of their church services and it was pretty much the mass as we celebrate today from start to finish. WOW. It was a whole lot longer surprisingly and had parts where the leader would say something and then the people would say, "Let it be so and Amen." The wording was olden day language of course, but there was something very beautiful and true about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will have to post the links on them later as I am at the library and can only open one screen at a time. Kinda like Christmas to type and sit at a screen that is like an HD TV versus my tiny 7" laptop screen.
Well, off to the conference tonight and Saturday and spending more days with my mom at home. She is coming along pretty good (except the eyes still) and I say she is good when they let her out on "parole" and my brother jokes that she is in the "spa". Free room and board, meals and dessert, bath once a week, and the nicest adjustable bed ever that my dad keeps saying he will have to steal for when she is ready to come home.
Everyday is a good day to be alive.
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