NIGHTMARES, POPULARITY, AND WORDS...

There are many theories behind dreams, but regardless, I had a crappy one last night!  All I remember was that I was around some people I went to high school with and I was casually walking around to say hi but I started to be short of breath and felt like I was having an asthma attack.  That and a combo of something stuck in my throat.  WELL.  I woke up with my heart racing and feeling a little tight in my chest.  That helpless feeling.  It passed though.  My high school nighmares are very rare now, but got me thinking alot and so now I have content on a hot subject for me  Great.  Oh boy.  How positive, you say...

I have moved on in many ways and forgiven many people, but it just keeps coming up in dreams from time to time.  Way too many years later means that some wounds go deeper than any physical scars.  It's like watching the talk shows of adults that were geeks and ugly ducklings and hey baby, look at me now.  I so feel what they went through, but that doesn't seem like the best way to heal and move on.  You can use facebook (heh) for that to your heart's content.  People change and may not still be the cruel mean people they were in school, so that is hunky dory by me.  If you are reading this and thinking "Maria, just get a life and move on, you looser" then please stop reading this.  It's obviously not for you, even though you may still be one of the ones causing me grief and have issues you need to deal with.  Or, you don't know what hurt feels like, but that is doubtful.

I had a home life I could not share with anyone, no sibling close in age to go to, couldn't buy what would make me look better, and just not the talk of the town.  My small comforts were that I was funny and people liked my stories and poems, and a few friends that saw the real me.  I never understood popularity because how could some people be so boring, "non-pretty", mean, less than smart, hateful, and yet so well-liked.  I would have to say they probably had a confidence that far exceeded mine by about 100%.

Even though I was the geek of the grade in elementary school, complete with glasses and really super bad haircuts from my mother (I mean so so bad with crooked bangs and huge thick colored framed glasses), I was not a real nerd because I never got straight A's or wore pocket protectors or had my pants pulled up to my chest (thank GOD for uniforms.) Well, actually, I had the longest ever ever kilt of the school probably.  It was so long that to roll it up at the waist to make it even at knee level was so not even possible.  Hmmmm; now I am remembering more bad memories; ok let's move on....

I loved creative writing, reading, and art and I remember always getting into trouble for talking and laughing in class, because what I had going on was just so much better and imitating teachers was the best.  I never fit in with the sports people due to my weight and asthma, not with the popular kids due to my clothes and hair and not with the nerds due to my grades.  I felt like I was a freak in my own category, which was very lonely, although my best buddy (still my buddy) didn't seem to fit in anywhere either.  We had nothing but laughs and good times in the middle of it all (after hating each others guts when we were younger) and stuck together pretty good. See, you can have good times in the middle of bad ones.

I think that people don't share enough and/or keep up a good front to never let anyone know they have similar struggles and hurts or that they have overcome them and can help someone else.  And, there are still bullies nowadays in the midst of us that need a good kick in the rear.  No one knows the times we have gone home crying, feeling heavy in the pit of our stomach, not wanting to face one more day where we are, feeling worthless and praying to die?

All because of words.  Words that no one ever said sorry for.  Words that lie buried inside of us.

Words can be a poison and we are all guilty.  There is sarcasm which is the "I am funny but I am telling the truth and getting away with it" as the knife goes in and twists deep into your heart.  The sense of humor that goes way too far, like being racist or offensive, joking and making fun of anothers hair, clothes, appearance, or body.  Or just telling someone they are stupid and useless.  Who made these standards?  Who is better and why?  The unspoken body language of "I can't stand you, but I'm going to smile and hug you because it makes me look good in front of everyone" or "Oh, wow; good for you!" but you could care less that this person is sharing good news or a conquest.  Constant gossip about other people; knowing nothing of the facts, but thinking you are just so much better.

For every kind of beast, and bird, and serpent, and things in the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by mankind:  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.  Bible, James (ch. III, v. 7-8)

By examining the tongue of a patient, physicians find out the diseases of the body, and philosophers the diseases of the mind.  Justin (St. Justin Martyr)

While thou livest, keep a good tongue in thy head.  William Shakespeare

I also had psoriasis since I was born (like very bad dry skin/flaking with redness) on my scalp and later on my elbows.  You can only imagine how fun that was for me growing up. It got pretty bad in high school but I remember my first week of Grade 8 and a girl really loudly telling people that I had lice.  Well, that screwed my chances from Day 1 for a good first impression.  I remember wearing long sleeves in the summer and still for many years since due to my elbows too. With all the tears and years and prayers my mom spent putting treatments on my scalp, special shampoos and lotions, nothing helped whatsoever.  I am happy to say though on that note, that I had a "miraculous" cure about 7 years ago that cannot be explained and my scalp is 100% free of it.

My elbows (and scalp) remind me to not be ashamed of myself, to not judge someone from the outside (myself or others) and to be grateful of things I have been through, instead of angry and bitter.

There is a bible passage that says "all things work together for good for those who love God" and there are many other stories in our world about horrible things that produced good results.  I think that passage was in Phillippians, but I am way too tired to look it up right now and have spent way too much time on today's blog.  This was the hardest to be personal about. Not everyone will be healed of physical things and bad things will still happen, but we all have the capacity to be stronger despite them.  We can forgive others so that the emotional things do not build up in our souls like a cancer, and we can ask God to help us forget and to use our tongues for good and not evil. (And to start with our thoughts.)

For someone that was shy, isolated, depressed, and seemingly untalented, I have come to find a hope, happiness, rich faith, and love despite the many obstacles (even in our married life) that I have had no choice but to overcome.  Like competing with so many people that have had university and schooling, but then again, I have had so many jobs where I taught and trained myself (like computers) and went onto retail stores, offices, call centers, and management.  I've grown in my writing and music and can sing and play comfortably in front of more than a few hundred people.  I still have to struggle constantly with my feelings of failure and comparing myself to others, but it's summed up in these song lyrics:

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"
And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

This other one came to me just now, from the movie behind the song "Amazing Grace":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZfnQxUhzQ

 Listen to the words after the Amazing Grace part...