I LOVE MYSELF TODAY AND HATE MYSELF TODAY?

I was sitting here thinking that I should write again, but nothing whatsoever was coming to me all day and I was getting frustrated and ticked off.  Then the word love came to me and my thought was: Do I really love myself?  I mean, I know I struggle with depression and cringe when I think about the way I see myself lately.  And the fact that people I know are reading this and I have to stop myself from thinking that I sound like a looser with a capital L on the forehead.

9-10"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me.  ^11-15"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.  ¹⁷"But remember the root command: Love one another.  (The Message Bible: John)



Ok, so this says that God loves us totally and completely and that we should take that and show others the same love.  Sure, naturally; sounds so simple. But it never mentions for us to love ourselves?  Hmmmmm...isn't that important though too or do people have too much love for themselves anyways that Jesus wanted to steer clear of that one?  Give up my life for someone else?  Well, in different ways we all do that; parents, children, spouses, etc.


I don't know many people that love themselves just the right amount. There are people that do not love themselves at all and there are people on the other end of the scale that love themselves far too much for their own good.  Either way, it is hard to live life not thinking of yourself as anything much, because most likely you have got that impression from others or from things that have happened your whole life and that is just the mold you stay in.  You can't see yourself as you truly are and surely not as someone that is loveable.


Then there are people that think only of themselves and how great they are and how little and pathetic everyone else is.  That is not only truly sad and selfish, but it is pretty sickening.  I find that those people are horrible to be around because they only talk about themselves non-stop and have very little room in their heart for anyone that is not them.  It makes you feel like you are a speck of dirt and I am surprised people like them even have friends.


But, oddly enough, the people who think nothing of themselves and don't really see themselves as having much value are the people that I see the very best of this world in.  They are so kind and giving and friendly and caring, but sometimes may not get those things back in return.  So, after a while they either give up on being "nice" or give up on expecting any good things in life in return and get sad and burnt out.  They say nice guys finish last but I would rather be friends with one nice guy than to have a million friends that are selfish and only love themselves.


At least God sees us as we truly and deeply are.  He sees us at our best and at our worst; even the parts that our spouses or family or friends will never see.  He doesn't give us love when we do something big or important or respect us how the rest of the world does; he cares nothing if we are rich and famous.  He sees our soul, our inside, our real self, our hearts, our hurts and everything in between.  The person we are when no one is looking or when we pick our nose or smell our armpits or burp...If God can love those parts of us, we should be humbled as a human being and not proud or boastful.  Grateful I think is the word.  No matter what we do or don't do.  He loves us all the time; every second of the day.  Even when those around us don't.


No matter what I do in life, I often think I am somewhat of a failure at my age.  But then again, that is only when I measure myself up against other people.  Maybe if I truly loved myself the way God does, then I would see myself in his eyes instead of everyone else's eyes and see how far I have come and what I have accomplished despite the odds against me.  But, that is a journey in itself.  Sometimes the road is very long and you can't see the end.


Well, it comes down to does this God in heaven care about us and actually exist to love us?  Well, then we would be grateful and then it would be much easier to love others.  I had the most awesome confession once with a dear youngish mexican priest that you could tell was very humble and holy and close to God.  (Apparantly he used to be a chief of police and a court judge who was not satisfied with life as he always felt in his heart he wanted to serve God as a priest.) He said if we see everyone as our beloved brothers and sisters in Christ who are just people like us, that God loves the same as us, it would not be hard to love them at all.  Or to forgive and not judge.


You know by now, I love song links, so here are some from youtube ("Who am I" and "You Never Let Go.")  Not the same as live, but it is important to see the words.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjbl4gkJSVI&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y83-vMeWc9E&feature=related 

My 2AM Good Friday Poem...

Oh, that blessed day that took my faults and darkness away
The death of my Lord and God on that dark and silent day

You knew exactly what it would cost
But you never hesitated to save the lost

For the love of all men runs through your blood
Sinners are your friends as I am one you love

But sometimes I wonder what you see worth saving in me
Because I am so human and I desperately struggle to be free

"My Lord and My God" is what I would say if I was standing at the foot of your cross

I would never again doubt that apart from you the whole world is nothing but loss

Everything I kill myself to work so hard for every day
Is only but a fragile flower that one day will wilt away

My hope just cannot lie in the things that surround me here
But in all the things everlasting and eternal which I hold so dear

You gave up your own life so that we could all live
Your power is beyond me and the love that you give

All the ones I love are not lost to me at all
They still see the tears I cry and every time I fall

That is where my hope lies and nothing can take it away
That is why I choose to honor you on this Good Friday

----------------------------------------------------------
THANKS FOR READING MY POEM...You can share me from my blog but please don't copy me.

MY VERSION of the Prodigal (Lost) Son and the Loving Father...

From Luke 15 in my own words...

There once was a man that owned his own farm in Manitoba and had worked very hard his whole life to carry on the family business that his father had left him.  He had just retired last year and over the years had accumulated quite a lot of money and good investments, not to mention a house worth $2.5 million, 4 cars, butlers and maids, and complimentary trips and cruises whenever he wanted.  However, his wife had died recently and the only things that mattered to him now were his two sons, who so closely both resembled his wife and joy of his life.  They were now ages 25 and 35 and both so different that it seemed impossible for them to ever get along; they were always fighting and never saw eye to eye on anything.  The 25 year old was single and the 35 year old was married with 3 young kids.

Anyhow, one day out of the blue the younger son (Billie Bob) basically had a chat with his dad that didn't end well.  He had had enough of the boring prairie farm life and was just dying to go out on his own and see the world; maybe backpack across Europe without a care in the world and party till he dropped?  His dad, knowing that his son was the type that wouldn't stay in a small town forever, gave him his blessing. Oh yes, and since half of his estate would eventually go to him when he passed away, he also had lawyers and financial advisors called in to grant his son his half now.  No strings attached.

Days later Billie said some quick goodbyes to his dad and older brother (Tommy Tony) and the rest of the family and was gone.  He had a blast back backing across Europe, going on cruises and seeing how the rest of the world lived.  However, he never got a job and assumed that all that money would last him years and that he had plenty of time to get serious about life. He was still single and known to be a party animal, so that most of his time was spent going to nightclubs, strip bars, having one night stands after the other, and living it up with his new friends in his New York penthouse suite.  The nights became longer until he didn't even want to go to bed anymore and when he was alone, he could not bear the thoughts going through his head over and over again.  He had nothing in life anymore except what his dad's money bought.  His friends were only interested in him as long as they were all drinking and entertaining each other and buying stuff.  But when his friends were at work, he became so bored and lonely and depressed that he did cocaine and heroine, drink until he puked, plus gambling so that he could make more money.

Long story short, he lost his friends, became an addict that had to go to rehab because of a court order, lost all his money gambling, discovered he had AIDS, and lost his penthouse suite and all his belongings.  His furniture and cars were repossessed to pay his debts and he found himself sleeping in downtown alleys and eating dog food out of a can, because that was all he could afford.  Then he had to stay at a Salvation Army shelter for a while because he feared for his life on the streets too, and he was by Central Park unfortunately.

One day when he was out for a walk and had gotten to the bottom of the last dog food can and had nothing left, he came to his senses and thought about his life.  He had hit rock bottom and realized what a selfish spoiled brat of a son he was and what a horrible human being he felt like.  He had nothing left and no where to go and thought about his family, who he missed so much back home; especially his dad, who had done nothing but love him and want the best for him.  He sent a short email to his dad, saying only that he was desperate and wanted to come home and his dad ended up the same day sending him money for his flight back.

He thought non-stop about what he was going to say to his father.  Like I am not good enough to be called your son, you must be so embarrassed of me, I have something to tell you about what I have been doing, I may be dying, I wasted all your hard earned money and it's all my fault. He had so badly screwed up his own life that God had given him, others lives', and his families lives as well because he knew that they all missed him and loved him and trusted him so much. He knew he was going to beg and plead and truly work hard to prove to his dad that he had changed and that he only wanted a roof over his head; even if he had to be hired as a farm worker and sleep in the back garden shed with all the tools and the dirty animals.  He was so worried, scared, nervous and felt so lonely as he had never felt before.

He landed in Winnipeg and got off the plane, wondering how he was going to get a ride to the country as he had only a bit of money left over from the flight and still had a few hours drive too.  Just as he turned around to check for his luggage on the carousel, he saw him.  It was his dad!  He had wanted to surprise his son and drove 3 hours just to get to the airport to see him.  They just stood there crying and hugging for a half hour and his dad was just so happy to see him alive and back home where he would be taken care of and treated good.  His dad's heart had ached and hurt so much while he was gone that whole year, and he had just sat by his huge front window day after day staring out onto the long stretch of road in front of the house.

Billy Bob tried to explain and apologize and do the speech that he had rehearsed in his head but his dad would have no part of it.  He didn't want to know anything that he had done because it was all in the past and he had already forgiven him a while after he had left home.  As they pulled up into the driveway,  his son could see that there were dozens and dozens of cars and vehicles everywhere; on the lawn, on the road, up and down the street and stretching out as far as the eye could see.  His dad had arranged a huge party and had called up all the relatives they knew to come.  It was very last minute, so the only thing that his older brother Tony knew was that they were just having a small family dinner with Billie.

Billie had just finished a 12 hour day as some of the farm workers had called in sick and there was no one to replace them.  He was always the good son, the responsible one, the family man, the hard worker that never had a sick day in his life.  Compared to his younger brother, he was a saint, but he could never understand why his father treated them both the same.  He figured that he was so much better than his brother and was actually very proud of that fact and how his life had turned out.  As Billie wiped the dirt off his boots and his clothes and stepped into the house, he just about had a heart attack at what he saw.  This was the biggest party he had ever seen in the history of his family and he was wondering at the same time what was going on with all the singing and crying and hugging and laughing.  And there he was.  Billie in his dad's favorite chair, looking so clean shaven and happy and he even had a new suit on, courtesy of his dad of course.

Tony was angered and so upset that he couldn't even speak and his heart was pounding in his chest.  He felt like screaming at everyone, especially his brother.  How hard he had worked for his dad for the last 35 years, did everything perfect, worked hard to support his wife and kids, and had never asked his dad for anything extra in return.  The sight of his brother being so pampered, especially after what he did and how he broke his dad's heart, angered him so much that it made him sick to his stomach with jeolousy.  He just sat outside on the back porch step and was contemplating what to do next when his dad came out to talk to him.  After so many years of being silent, he told his dad everything he felt and poured out his heart to him.

His dad was able to calm him and comfort him and tell him how much that he loved him.  He always loved the both of them equally, not just because they reminded him of his dear wife, but just because of the fact that they were his own flesh and blood.  They never had to earn his love or respect or trust as his dad always made it clear that it was freely given.  The dad loved them all through good times and bad, no matter what.  He told his son how proud he was of him and they worked out a lot of junk in the trunk from the last 35 years, but mostly he stressed this:  That we should all be so happy and celebrate because my son and your brother was dead to us and thought to be lost forever and now he is alive again and found.

Well, I always liked this story of Jesus and how we could see ourselves as either son in many similar ways.  I always loved how Jesus wanted us to see God the father as the father in this story.  Not evil and watching and waiting for us to mess up so he could give us real bad punishment.  Just loving and just forgiving and not because we can be good enough to earn it (because we can't) but because that is who he is.  Always there for you and me and never too far away from us.  He only wants our good, when everything around us wants us to mess up and ruin our lives.  Just like my dad that always wanted me to just be happy and have a good life. How much more so does God want that for us his children.

I guess I have to remember that.  How God feels about me no matter what goes on in my life.

Encouragement for Today

Psalm 42 (New International Version)

    As the deer pants for streams of water, 

    so my soul pants for you, O God.

 ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God?
 ³ My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"
 ⁴ These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.
 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and ⁶ my God. 
       My ^[c] soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
 ⁷ Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me.
 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life.
 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
       "Why have you forgotten me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?"
 ¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
       as my foes taunt me,
       saying to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"
 ¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43 (New International Version)

 ¹ Vindicate me, O God, 

       and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
       rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
 ² You are God my stronghold.
       Why have you rejected me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?
 ³ Send forth your light and your truth,
       let them guide me;
       let them bring me to your holy mountain,
       to the place where you dwell.
 ⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God,
       to God, my joy and my delight.
       I will praise you with the harp,
       O God, my God.
 ⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

A Fishing Lesson From Jesus & Some of My First Posts...

I thought today would be perfect to re-post one of my very first blog entries as it's the gospel reading for today.  "Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man..."    "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men..."

http://thenewmaria.blogspot.com/2009/09/lesson-on-fishing-and-work-from-one-who.html

It also made me think about my very first blog entry (below) as today the priest was also talking on Respect for Life and how it is not just a one sided thing and that we never know what the people beside us in the pews have been through and why.  It was from Sept 2nd of last year (one of the times I was visiting home in Langley, BC.)

http://thenewmaria.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-thoughts-on-unborn-life-and-family.html

SOMETHING I GOTTA GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM...

We all have a right to our own opinions and ideas about God, church, and faith, so here are a few of mine that I have kept to myself for just too long.  You gotta be true to yourself and honestly I am just trying to express my heart and my hurts.

1.  I am so SICK AND TIRED of other Christians that think Catholics are the Anti-christ or evil or hypocrites. I am sorry for any of you that have had any negative experiences with us, but get over it and confess it to God and move on with love instead of judgement.  And, I on the flip side have had negative experiences with other Christians, so don't think that ANYONE  is perfect.  You know what?  At the core of my faith is what is at the core of yours too.

HECK, this all even applies to people that are not Christian at all in any way.  I respect everyone, no matter what you believe.

2.  I have read my bible my whole life (I can quote you but just not great at where to find it sometimes) and gone to prayer groups and love Christian music and have felt the Holy Spirit just as strong as anyone.  I was very active in youth ministry at my home parish, music ministry (we did LOTS of praise and worship music; shocking!), I directed the Alpha course many times and was very involved in everything, because I wanted to.  Because, the stuff we do comes out of our love for God and our heart for others.

3.  I struggled in high school and later on a bit, but for the most part, I grew up in church.  And my mom drove me nuts and took me to all these Christian conferences and speakers when I was young, because as of then, there was not much around our area for Catholics.  Didn't scare or intimidate us in any way, as we were secure in our FAITH and love in JESUS.  I am very blessed indeed to have a mom who was my "Paul" and brought me up really deeply in my faith.

4.  How come I will go to anything like Christian concerts, other church service events, etc, but other Christians will RARELY come to anything similar that a Catholic, heck or even Anglican will invite them to or even want to listen to the joy and love that we have experienced.  That is SO not being open and loving and filled with Jesus. I like modern stuff, but I also like traditional stuff.  We can't be closed minded to one or the other; there is so much beauty in both.  That would mean that old hymns should be thrown out and new music should too?

5.  Our aim should not be to convert anyone to any building, it is about finding faith in Jesus and where you feel led to be, even though I have truly found the fullness of my faith where I am.  I can say this because I "left" the Catholic church and church in general on and off for almost a year.  My world was crumbling, I was mad at God and hated everyone I came across, and wanted to just do my own thing and live how the rest of the world did.  Thank God, that he did not let me do anything too stupid or wander away too far.  Then, had a wonderful life changing event at a Christian church and went that way for a certain number of months.  I had truly lived and breathed both sides, if you could call it that, and really understood how sometimes misunderstandings and ignorance gets in the way.  

6.  I feel sad for anyone that thinks they are the greatest Christian ever but still hold so much bitterness and resentment and hate against any past Catholic or Christian friends, family or other hurts.  They have not dealt with it with God, because if they did, they would feel truly free and not carry around this big burden of hate.  You can have a bad experience in any type of church, with any type of person, in any walk of life.  Why don't you hear about that?  I feel for you, but you gotta deal with it and move on either way and see ANY DENOMINATION or Christian as your brother and sister in Christ.

7.  Catholics are Christians.  Christian means "Christ-like" and was first used to name the early church people.  The term Catholic was also used pretty early on as well, as it means "universal".  Don't attack others especially if you will not even bother to share your common beliefs, listen to others point of view, read good stuff about the early church, the apostles, Jesus, or history.  Think for yourself; not because someone is standing up there and talking.  I know many people that were Pentecostal and even Pentecostal ministers with their own churches that became Catholic and brought their dynamic zeal to their new church and are using their awesome knowledge and talents to liven things up.

8.  If a Catholic or Christian doesn't know what the heck they believe or why they go to church, because it is routine or a family thing? they should think about making a decision.  When you die, and go wherever you think you are going, maybe Jesus will be there (ha) and he won't know who you are and you can't hide behind anyone or anything.  It is all about HIM.  You can't love everything opposite to God and God at the same time.  If there is a church that is boring or whatever and you are not involved at all, try to make some friends, go to a potluck, bible study, look at the bulletin,...WE are the church and our job is to use our gifts and talents to inspire and build up everyone.  Don't just sit and be miserable; even if you have to drive an extra 20 minutes for a church family you love and are connected to, it is so worth it.

9.  I love Matt Maher, who is a very well-known Christian music artist.  His music is very inspiring and beautiful, but what rarely any one knows is that he is a very solid and Jesus-loving Catholic.  See, he wants to touch souls and help others regardless and not let judgement and pride get in the way.

10.  Don't judge or you will be judged.  Isn't that what Jesus said?  I (and our churches) owe so much to the vibrant bible-believing Christians that are out there that brought us awesome music and an example of being totally committed to God. It is not extreme to throw away all your booze, drugs, crap on TV, selfish lifestyle.  In fact, it is probably the best way to live your life as a Christian. That's hard.  There are so many wonderful Christian people that helped me and changed my life when I was away from church and started going back again. I love them.  They brought me food when I was on my own and had no job and no money and sick family back home and so much stress.  And laughs and long talks and good times.

And it was then that I remembered all the love I received in my then 32 years from my Catholic church family also.  That a Christian is a Christian as long as you believe in Jesus as the one that saves us by his death on the cross from so many things past, present, and future.  That the bible is real and relevant, and like one saint put it, ignorance of the bible is ignorance of Christ.  And that that when I miss church on Sunday (like lately due to bad sickness and blizzards), it feels like missing something so important, like my next breath, that will make me so happy when I next go.

Christians aren't perfect; just forgiven.

Just Some Bible/Inspirational Stuff for You...

Some totally random Sunday bible thoughts for you, as I can't think of anything to write of my own; just yet...

1 John 1 (The Message Bible)

 ^1-2From the very first day, we were there, taking it all in—we heard it with our own ears, saw it with our own eyes, verified it with our own hands. The Word of Life appeared right before our eyes; we saw it happen! And now we're telling you in most sober prose that what we witnessed was, incredibly, this: The infinite Life of God himself took shape before us.

 ^3-4We saw it, we heard it, and now we're telling you so you can experience it along with us, this experience of communion with the Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. Our motive for writing is simply this: We want you to enjoy this, too. Your joy will double our joy!

Walk in the Light

 ⁵This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him. ^6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.

 ^8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.

1 John 2

 ^1-2I write this, dear children, to guide you out of sin. But if anyone does sin, we have a Priest-Friend in the presence of the Father: Jesus Christ, righteous Jesus. When he served as a sacrifice for our sins, he solved the sin problem for good—not only ours, but the whole world's.

The Only Way to Know We're in Him

 ^2-3Here's how we can be sure that we know God in the right way: Keep his commandments. ^4-6If someone claims, "I know him well!" but doesn't keep his commandments, he's obviously a liar. His life doesn't match his words. But the one who keeps God's word is the person in whom we see God's mature love. This is the only way to be sure we're in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived.

 ^7-8My dear friends, I'm not writing anything new here. This is the oldest commandment in the book, and you've known it from day one. It's always been implicit in the Message you've heard. On the other hand, perhaps it is new, freshly minted as it is in both Christ and you—the darkness on its way out and the True Light already blazing!

 ^9-11Anyone who claims to live in God's light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark. It's the person who loves brother and sister who dwells in God's light and doesn't block the light from others. But whoever hates is still in the dark, stumbles around in the dark, doesn't know which end is up, blinded by the darkness.

Loving the World

 ^12-13I remind you, my dear children: Your sins are forgiven in Jesus' name. You veterans were in on the ground floor, and know the One who started all this; you newcomers have won a big victory over the Evil One. ^13-14And a second reminder, dear children: You know the Father from personal experience. You veterans know the One who started it all; and you newcomers—such vitality and strength! God's word is so steady in you. Your fellowship with God enables you to gain a victory over the Evil One.

 ^15-17Don't love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

^24-25Stay with what you heard from the beginning, the original message. Let it sink into your life. If what you heard from the beginning lives deeply in you, you will live deeply in both Son and Father. This is exactly what Christ promised: eternal life, real life!

Live Deeply in Christ


 ²⁸And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we'll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives. ²⁹Once you're convinced that he is right and righteous, you'll recognize that all who practice righteousness are God's true children.

Cinderella, Spam, and God...

Knowing my posts, you are either thinking, what the heck?  These things just don't go together! or Hmmm, she sure has such wierd titles sometimes, I wonder what this one will be about?

One of my favorite stories as a kid was Cinderella, and then it became one of my favorite Disney movies later on for many reasons. When I was a kid I read and read and read so much, but when I got older I just couldn't sit still enough to read and there were always a million crazy things, ideas and plans in my head that everything about me was just too busy to read.  Then I became a lazy movie person; while everyone else had read the books first and then seen the movies.  Nope, not I.

Cinderella always had perfect beauty queen hair, with no tangles or bad hair days and never any roots from hair coloring.  But, she lost her mother so young, loved her dad but he died too early, had an evil stepmom and stepsisters, and had to do the crap of the crap of the housework (like sweeping "cinders" as if that was so 2010).  That wasn't enough though.  She also never had any money or an allowance, so that could have meant no new or good clothes, not going out in public much, few friends (but little talking mice and animals), and just saw nothing good ahead for her life at all.

Sometimes, I can relate to her.

Then everything changed in the twinkling of an eye.  Her long lost godmother, who she hadn't ever met due to dysfunctional family issues, suddenly appeared to help her in her time of need.  She was a super nice lady, really pretty, and plus she was an actual fairy with fairy powers.  Just what she needed to zap all the people who were mean to her.  No, I mean she never did that because fairy tales and cartoons were a lot simpler back then.  Wow, a story with no revenge.  Huh.  She just wanted to go to the big party at the castle where she would be transformed into a princess and dance with her prince charming, who would later become her husband.  I think actually it was her godmother that totally changed her life around.  (And I am a godmother, so I am kinda partial to that way of thinking.  Plus, she was the one that did lots of the work on Cinderella.)

Anyhow, about the spam thing, which you probably thought I forgot, well I didn't.  I was just trying to picture how to fit it in.  It has to do with the cinderella email address which was awesome as a name and something important to me, but I guess due to the cinderella part, it attracted about 30 spam emails a day.  Oh, they ranged from make a million dollars at home in your pyjamas in a month, to win a free this or that (which you have to make tons of purchases online to even qualify for), "bad" photos, specials to enlarge this part or that part of you.  My favorite one is from the many billionaires holding the estates of their late grandfathers or uncles in Uganda (that are in high positions in the government) and need your bank account so that they can  legally transfer money to you and think you are the biggest stupidest sucker on the whole earth.   Or that you won some lottery in the UK, when the email looks like a Gr. 3 did it with tons of spelling mistakes...

Then I thought about Cinderella, who had some life-changing events and then her happily after after in the magical kingdom of Disney.  She had a totally fresh start, from rags to riches, or from cleaning up animal poop in the house to becoming a real leisure woman and princess.  So too, I had wanted a tiny start to a new me and decided to back away from my cinderella email address when I had some positive life-changing events not quite a year ago.  It was trying to be out with the old and in with the new.  So then I slowly merged into thenewmaria which became like a reminder to me.

Sometimes, thenewmaria doesn't act or talk or think like the new maria that I should be and sometimes I do.  Sometimes, there is one huge gigantic thing that happens to change the rest of our lives and we never ever forget or turn away.  Mostly, it is a lot of little things through our whole lives that change the way we live, good or bad.

Right now, I am still Cinderella, but I am her in the later stage of the castle.  The times when she remembers her father long gone and all the memories and laughs when she was little; the good times.  The times when she is lonely and empty too. The times when she wonders and worries about the future.  The real human Cinderella.  She is not the perfect housewife, mother, friend, or daughter.  And we don't have to be either.  I have to remember time and again that we can't keep the weight of the world on our shoulders; there is someone to ask that can take off the weight and everything that you go through.

Even the fairy tale Cinderella had some type of hope despite her problems, and beat the odds.

God only knows my heart and if I happen to be really struggling and lost, not to forget that he is right there and only a prayer away, like they say.  He is only a word, a whisper, a breeze, a ray of sunshine, a melody away.  My goal is to not make you see him as an old-fashioned and cruel tyrant that watches your every step so he can pounce on you and make you suffer the minute you mess up.  Or the one that is up in the clouds, like a fairy tale or a distant and unrelevant fable.  Or even the one that will be your friend as long as you keep all the rules and do all these good things so that you can maybe get to heaven or just avoid hell, if that exists. can be his friend and get into heaven one day, hopefully.

In the middle of my bottomless pit, when sometimes it is all I can do to say his name, read a line of the bible, or just even think about God, he is there right in the thick of it all.  I am trying to think more how he relates to us like a loving father (even if you never had one like that on earth).  He loves us more than anything else in this world and tries to point us in every right direction time after time, but when we get old enough to choose, he is even more loving to allow us to pick between him and everything else that looks so much better and brighter.

On my own road to my own personal type of recovery, God is my loving father.  Like when my own father was alive, he doesn't care as much about where you have been, but where you want to be going, your hopes and dreams, and if you want to include him in your life. And he is happy when I do.

HMMMM...Thought I'd write on HOPE...

First I thought about love, then I thought about bible quotes, then I thought about the ones about HOPE, which are really a trillion.  I thought I would just sum it up by one of my favorite psalms in the bible. I put a version from the Message bible and the other from one of my regular bibles, for the language I am used to and go mainly by.  Both just different ways of thinking.  I like old and new...


PSALM 34

 ¹ I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise. 
 ² I live and breathe God;
   if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy: 
 ³ Join me in spreading the news;
   together let's get the word out. 
 ⁴ God met me more than halfway,
   he freed me from my anxious fears. 
 ⁵ Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
   Never hide your feelings from him. 

 ⁶ When I was desperate, I called out,
   and God got me out of a tight spot. 
 ⁷ God's angel sets up a circle
   of protection around us while we pray. 
 ⁸ Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
         how good God is.
   Blessed are you who run to him. 
 ⁹ Worship God if you want the best;
   worship opens doors to all his goodness. 
 ¹⁰ Young lions on the prowl get hungry,
   but God-seekers are full of God. 

 ¹¹ Come, children, listen closely;
   I'll give you a lesson in God worship. 
 ¹² Who out there has a lust for life?
   Can't wait each day to come upon beauty? 

 ¹³ Guard your tongue from profanity,
   and no more lying through your teeth. 
 ¹⁴ Turn your back on sin; do something good.
   Embrace peace—don't let it get away! 
 ¹⁵ God keeps an eye on his friends,
   his ears pick up every moan and groan. 
 ¹⁶ God won't put up with rebels;
   he'll cull them from the pack. 

 ¹⁷ Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
   ready to rescue you. 
 ¹⁸ If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
   if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. 
 ¹⁹ Disciples so often get into trouble;
   still, God is there every time. 
 ²⁰ He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
   not even a finger gets broken.
 
 ²¹ The wicked commit slow suicide;
   they waste their lives hating the good. 
 ²² God pays for each slave's freedom;
   no one who runs to him loses out.


PSALM 34


 ^1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
       his praise will always be on my lips.
 ² My soul will boast in the LORD;
       let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
 ³ Glorify the LORD with me;
       let us exalt his name together.
 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
       he delivered me from all my fears.
 ⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
       their faces are never covered with shame.

 ⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
       he saved him out of all his troubles.
 ⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
       and he delivers them.
 ⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
       blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
 ⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
       for those who fear him lack nothing.
 ¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
       but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
 ¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
       I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
 ¹² Whoever of you loves life
       and desires to see many good days,

 ¹³ keep your tongue from evil
       and your lips from speaking lies.
 ¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
       seek peace and pursue it.
 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
       and his ears are attentive to their cry;
 ¹⁶ the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
       to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

 ¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
       he delivers them from all their troubles.
 ¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
 ¹⁹ A righteous man may have many troubles,
       but the LORD delivers him from them all;
 ²⁰ he protects all his bones,
       not one of them will be broken.

 ²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
       the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
 ²² The LORD redeems his servants;
       no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.



Why try to re-invent a great thing?  Sometimes, bible and poetry just seem to say it all...

Such a good blog I found!!!!!!

This one really encouraged me....

http://gregorynsmith.blogspot.com/2010/01/baptism-of-lord-opening-our-christmas.html

My Death to Life Experience at Rise Up Conference...

Well, after I got back to Manitoba from my father's funeral (last post) it felt strange.  Like I was leaving him and everyone else behind again, even though I know where my place is.  Back to the same room where I got the news, just staring at the walls, feeling numb to the whole world, with no purpose for anything, even taking showers and eating.  I mean for me that is strange too, as I love to eat, so when I don't, then I worry that something is seriously wrong.  Like I was someone else and I was on the outside looking in on everything.

The week I was down there seemed like perhaps the deepest week of my life, despite everything.  And it was as if God had protected all of our hearts with some special invisible barrier, or else we would have all broken down like a bunch of crazies; that's for sure.  There were some good family moments and some good faith discussions that made us think of the real meaning of life and things that comforted us together, but after that, there we were back to regular life away from it all.  Away from the realness?

I did the music and sang at church at Christmas Day, but then realized why it was far from my best. (I so bombed it due to some allergies, my guitar, and hard notes, but that was another story...) Because my heart was not in it at all, even though I did try to re-connect to Jesus becoming man again for our love.  It was a quiet day but at the same time I felt ok knowing my family was having a crappy time too.  Like at least we were all in unity.  I had actually forgotten that (apart from my mom) I didn't call my brothers or the kids in the 3 weeks I was back.  It was like that same deep dark depression and sadness had taken over me and I didn't know who I was again.

I kept asking myself when am I going to have a big huge breakdown as I had barely cried; just here and there and still felt in shock, due to some circumstances.  It was then I arrived at the Rise Up Conference in Winnipeg for the last week of December, put on by CCO Canada (Catholic Christian Outreach).  Basically, they are a 20 year old, non-profit organization that is across Canada on various campuses and other events big and small to reach young Catholics and inspire them with the Jesus message.  And training at the same time, so that after having their lives changed, can be equiped to spread that joy with others one by one.  Instead of just going to something nice and then coming home to the life you had before.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=371221&id=630030223&l=7aecbc37ea

I will just say that is was beyond amazing to be in a huge ballroom with 500 young adults that share your beliefs in some way, small or big, from many places all over Canada.  To a person that has gone to so many workshops, retreats, and conferences, I realized that big life changes can happen many times in one lifetime.   We can never have enough, because like how life had turned my world upside down and made me rethink everything, I needed a fresh start again...and again...and again.  It was little by little and talk by talk and song by song that really made such a big impact.  When I first got there, I could barely move; all I could do was sit there and not a word came out of my mouth, plus I missed the first evening of talks and had to wake up early, which I was so not used to doing.  It took me a while, but it was God filling me up with new stuff to help take away chunks of pain and sadness that had taken up more space inside than it should have.

Like darkness to light, from death to new life, from old turning into new, I was finding myself slowly again.   There were things I was inspired to do, dreams I was inspired to dream, and life that was not all about death anymore.  Even with a super duper high fever in bed during the New Year's party, my cousins came up to pray for me and I felt a light coolness come over me that somehow made me make it downstairs to join the party for a few hours.  And people that party from 5pm to 3am non-stop with no booze; wow...ok...

Christmas lasted longer this year, as it seemed God wanted me to experience what I thought I had so missed out.  Sometimes it is your heart and your relationship (or issues) with God that crowd out everything else that seems unnecessary.  There are so many things that like the parable of the sower and the seed, that tell me about the seed that just fell however it did on rocky bad ground.  Some of the seeds sprouted up but never lasted, and some of them just died on the spot.  Although I feel like them alot, when things come along and stomp on the seeds and crush them and blow them away with the wind, I want to be different.

I want to be like the seeds that landed on the really good soil and the good ground, that no matter what came up, it grew strong and had deep roots and such life and nothing was able to stop it from growing into the most beautiful, full, green and huge tree that people can enjoy and little animals can make their homes in.  Who will never be perfect but always useful and never giving up.  So, I am just taking things as they come and know that I can handle it with Jesus' help a little more this time, because how do I know that God allowed me to go through something that to someone else, would shatter them completely.  He knows time can heal all wounds and forgiveness is key and he is something more dependable than we are.

Christmas and What it Means to Me, Even Now...

Since my father passed away suddenly Nov. 25th, nothing has been the same.  I always thought myself emotionally and mentally able to handle a lot, and even though my faith seems more solid in certain ways, it has really tested everything I have ever felt.  I could go on about how it changes your very self, and even though death is inevitable, it has truly and really made me understand what others have gone through and the hope that awaits us as believers in a God that cares.  And how amazing all our relatives, friends, and church family has been by taking care of us, offering kind words and prayers, big hugs and kisses, food and helping with expenses that were just too overwealming.

My birthday (and my brothers on the same day) fell this year only 2 days after my father's funeral.  That was also a blur, as I realized that day will never be the same for any of us.  I lived at home till I was 25 and was very close to my parents and still was, having spent almost 4 months with them recently.  Birthdays were always such a big thing to me, whether I was 5 and my brothers were 15, 17, and 20, and at least one of them were always around in some way.  Even though the money was always scarce, it wasn't about the money.  My parents always made it as if I was the most important person ever to be born on this earth.  When I grew up, I missed the "little" things like my mother waking me up and always being the first one to give me a card and a gift.  Or my dad, giving me a big chunk of havarti cheese (as we are were both cheese lovers) and wrapping it in 5 different things somehow ending up in a gigantic box.

Simple and loving. That's how Jesus wants us to be at Christmas, because it's his birthday.  He is the reason we go to church (even once a year) and believe what we do.  He is the reason why the bible is real.  His story is not just a fairy tale; it is a real time in history that is much more important than any of our plans for eating, drinking, or spending.  Look to little things and people that you love, instead of focusing on maxing out your credit cards and going into debt because you "have to" buy every single person a gift or they will look down on you.  You can't please everyone all of the time.

This recent trip to see my family was different.  It made me realize just how much I honestly and truly love my family.  Because sometimes you have to be without something to really get how precious it is.  It was a long enough/short trip to reconcile and reunite with some, but to also say goodbye to the greatest father (pa) and friend that a girl could ever have.  I never thought my family life growing up was even close to roses and sunshine, but as you get older you realize no one is perfect; no, not even you.  To really look inside people's hearts, their past, their hurts, their struggles and stories to understand where they came from and why they do the things they do.

I think that our family has become so much closer in the past 2 years, through lots of sadness, emptiness, and shock, but much more through those things otherwise known as faith, love, and hope in an eternal life.  What about all the people that have lost loved ones and are all alone at Christmas?  What are they going to be excited about at Christmas time, when all you see around you is decorations, trees, presents, family dinners, caroling, and love love love love.  And sappy holiday TV specials.  (OK, I do like those.)

I thought about someone that I used to be so jealous of.  I saw few flaws in her for as long as I have known her and she's a modern day Martha Stewart type of working housewife, with a loving hard-working husband, and what I saw as always the perfect house, clothes or life.  I had to realize that I never knew her behind-the- scenes struggles and what it took for them to get to where they are in life.  I never knew that she would also have to experience a deep tragic loss and how I saw such huge faith and hope in her and her husband, that was more of an example to me than anything they own. It was then that I was so proud of her and her family and what it toook for them to achieve their dreams.

I am a simple person with simple dreams, but it doesn't mean that I have to give them up because I have tried too many times and failed.  You just keep going, sometimes because you have no other choice, but through it all you become closer to the people around you that are always there to support and love you.  My pa was a very simple man, that always worked and slaved as a stone mason, even when the weather was bad outside and he was battling his hip problems and other things.  He showed me that when you give everything you have of yourself to others and just try your best, and value your family and friends more than anything, that is what counts.  But then again, it is so hard to put into words everything he taught me and everything that he meant to me.

One Christmas (years ago) when we were all sitting around the table for our meal, all of a sudden my dad happily blurted out of nowhere, "Baby Jesus says, NEVER GIVE UP!"  Then there was silence and laughter. How many times I heard him say that phrase after and how many times my mom and I would encourage him with those words.  I know this Christmas will be hard, but I am going to try to focus on the gift that is Jesus; the reason for my faith and hope.  Here is an exerpt from our church bulletin about Jesus' birth and him being called  Emmanuel (God is with us):

"Faith in Christ doesn't remove any of the pains inherent within the human condition, including the pain of doubting God's existance.  Faith promises no magic pass-cards.

What it does promise is that God will be with us so that we do not have to walk through loneliness, sickness, violence, anxiety, fear, and death alone.  We have a hand to grasp, a love to embrace, a truth to cling to, and a power to sustain us (even through death itself).  We walk in the same world as everyone else, but, like a young child holding on to her mother's hand as she walks into school for the first time, we are not alone; a trusted, sustaining, guiding love walks with us.  God doesn't remove us from what can hurt us, but walks with us amidst it all.

In the present, God often seems absent.  Yet, when we turn around and look back in our lives, when we look back at our story, we more easily see how God has been there all along and how we have walked in a divine presence, protection, guidance, and love that we were oblivious to at the time, but is clear in retrospect.  We see God more clearly in our past than in our present.

This can be helpful in understanding how Christ is present to us, even when we don't always feel like it.  Faith doesn't promise us a  ladder to crawl out of the pains of life, it promises a friend to walk with through those pains.  Mostly though it's only when we look back in our lives that we see that this friend has always been there."

So for me, I will choose to celebrate Jesus, my family and friends that are still living, and the love and hope that comforts me at night.  And to know I will see my dad (and brother) again one day.

GIVE THANKS....GIVE THANKS...

Didn't write about thanksgiving day (although had a good one with my family) as then the rest of the week was not too thanksgiving-ish and I just got too depressed-ish.  Earlier in the week, a cousin in the family lost her unborn baby and then the funeral day was the 2nd anniversary of my oldest brother's passing (see Oct 9th posting.)  One thing happened one after another, because when it rains it pours, like VANCOUVER.  But, I was inspired (as I often am) with my friend Nathan's positive encouragement and always so so so beautifully poetic Facebook status'.  I am thankful of so many things, I really am, so here it goes.

Thankful for a free 13lb turkey from my mom's friend.  It was my first turkey I ever cooked and turned out just awesome; even took a photo of it 'cuz I am such a geek that way.  Fed all 11 of us and then leftovers for most of the week and the best ever huge pot of soup that I made from it.  Sick of it now, but it is food and for that I am grateful.  (Hmmm, wish the pumpkin pie would have lasted that long; wonder who finished it off the moment the last guest left, along with the rest of the tub of cool whip?  Well, at least I was good with my calories all week...)

Thankful for family that drives me crazy sometimes or a lot of the time, but when I was far away and helpless to not be able to get to them when they needed me, that was so much worse.  At least for now I am with family here that has loved me for 32 years.

I am thankful for the awesome heater in my old bedroom and at least a room to myself.  Even though the furnace here does not work at all and needs to somehow be replaced soon and my heater stopped working the other night, I am thankful that it is working again.  And my back is oh so thankful for that.  And found an old sweater and jacket of mine that still fits as I only came prepared for summer really and barely fall.

I am thankful for my mother, even with all her health issues that she's always had to live with and deal with for 32 years.  I teased her a few weeks ago that her swollen eyelid reminded me of a cross between something that someone beat up in a dark alley and Jesus in the Passion of the Christ movie, and she just laughed.  So the other day when she phoned me from the hospital after being in the emergency room(s) for 8 hours and how they gave her nothing for her shooting pain in her head from her bad eyes, she said how she thought of Jesus beaten on the cross and how much of a worse shape he was in.

Yes, I am now thinking of so many funny times that seemed to make the hard times so forgettable and not even worth remembering.

I am thankful for a good buddy of ours that made it possible for me to get out here this time and for all the times I made necessary and urgent trips back and forth from BC to Winnipeg and back to BC again.  In pretty much all those times, I had no idea how I would pay for things, how I would get back, or how I would even pay the rest of the bills for the month.  It was so stressful, but you know, I don't even remember the stress.  I just remember that I made it and lived to tell and it was all worth it.  And for good friends that stick by you through good and bad, because if not, they are not worthy to even be called a friend.

So many times we were on edge and never knew what tommorow would bring, but we made it through it all and now we can encourage and advise others that are going through the same.

From the Message Bible:  James 1^{: 26-27}  "Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

So Nathan, keep up being positive, as it does matter and I am passing it on to every one of you.

Technology, Telemarketers, and Time for Quiet...

I am so much like that cartoon.  Anything remotely connected to technology is so irresistible to me.  That's just the way my brothers and I are and surprisingly my 73 year old mother too.  She had bought herself a cell phone (camera phone) and operated it perfectly, never having used anything like that in her life and never even reading the manual.  I also like to figure out how things work and play with tools.

I am also a night person, so I have trouble shutting everything off and settling down for the evening.  I have to use every force in my body to steer myself to my bed and stay in it.  It's just that my mind is used to going a million miles an hour while my body lags behind.  Recently, I made myself a promise that I would START to turn things off at 9pm and have some quiet time. HA; NO!!!

Plus my house duties here at my parents' house of receptionist/information desk/appointment maker/white and yellow pages/google directory/chef/transportation coordinator/financial advisor/banker/grocery shopper...and I forgot GPS.  When one brother calls, I actually answer it, "Hello, reception?" and when the other brother calls from the road, I look up google or mapquest info for him.  See, my multi-tasking, organizational, and phone duties from my 15 years in the career world does count for something!

And then there are telemarketers, which account for maybe 30% of the 20 calls a day we seem to get here.  Although they are a great anonymous cover so that I don't always have to be nice sweet Maria, they are so frustrating as you all know.  The caller id's could show cell number, unknown, private, or the old 1-800 number at any time of night or day, and no respect for what you are going through in life.  Hello!!!??? I have nothing better to do than answer you during all the other calls from hospital, care home, doctor, eye specialist, arthritis specialist, furnace repair (cuz our heat doesn't work), bank, family, friends.  (The last two I always look forward to though.)

I have it downpat like a fine art.  When they say "Hello, Can I talk to __________ (my parents)?"  I say right away, "No, I am handling the calls; what company are you calling from?"  Sometimes they actually tell me and I can barely understand what they are saying or they could be insistant and won't.  Doesn't stop me whatsoever.  I say, "Sorry, we are not interested, goodbye" and hang up on them (nicely if that is possible).  If they're rude, talk over me, or get snotty as if they are the most important person I will talk to that day, I am extra pleasant and add, "Please don't call here ever again" before I hang up.  It works.

Although I do thrive in these environments in a strange way, yes, you could say I really miss my quiet time.  Quietness is the only way we can really hear God better and ourselves.  If we're always around work, technology, or things every single minute of the day, sooner or later we will stop even noticing the things that are truly important in life.  We will overlook human beings because we are just too busy.  Too busy for ourselves, too busy to help others that need us, and too busy to connect to God, who is in the middle of it all.  It is as if the huge loud noises of life drown out the little still small voices of our God inside us.  There were so many inspirations and ideas and encouragement that came to me when I was quiet and not doing anything at all and not even when I was expecting it.  When I really needed it badly.

I remember one year in the middle of Lent, our computer crashed and I was without it for about a week while it was being fixed.  Oh my gosh, are you kidding?  I just sat in my computer chair wondering what I was going to do next and wandering about the house aimlessly.  That is pretty sad, but I know 99% of you reading this would feel the same way, even if you just use a computer for Facebook?

Really, I just need to take more time to smell the roses.  Or in my case, time away from telemarketers.