Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The War Within Me...

Sometimes I really struggle with myself.  The self and inner part of me that perhaps no one knows.  The selfish me, the dark me, the horrible hypocrite that I never show to the rest of the world.  We all have our hidden selves.

It is the part of me that only God sees and forgives and loves 24/7 and yet I still hate how very ungodly it makes me.  To confront it and admit it though is very healing and freeing as I want no additional baggage than that which life already throws at me.  Today, in the secret of my heart, I had a chance to go to God with one of my usual struggles.  To paraphrase St. Paul, "the good I really want to do I just don't do at all and the bad I really don't want to do I end up doing anyways."

Sometimes I am such a Paul (on his "good" days), fearless and strong in the face of trouble, remembering what kind of life God saved me from and not caring what anyone thinks or says.  Sometimes I am a Peter, denying that I walk with Christ, the risen Lord and God and my best friend.  Sometimes I am ashamed of myself and don't know why I act in cowardice, fear, or embarrassment.  Sometimes I am a Thomas, doubting what I have already experienced and known for so many years, always needing more proof and for God to directly come down from heaven to answer me every time.

But it is not about me, because I am not perfect, though I wish I was.  It is about the grace and mercy and justice that is freely extended to us as a remedy for our very selves; although no one deserves it at all in our human state and can do nothing to earn it (like air miles.) The enemy of our souls wants us down, defeated, depressed, doomed, dismal, dark...because then we won't even believe that God can want us or love us and we are no good to anyone that needs us. Thank the Lord for what he has said and done already, so that I don't have to wonder about it.

1 John 1:9:  "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And 2 Corinthians 7:10:  "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret."

I was wanting to share about the concert I went to on Sunday (Matt Redman/Casting Crowns), but it was an experience that is best summed up in these songs, even though they all got me choked up.  And I never used to get emotional about anything.  There is something earth shattering about playing or hearing a song live that you simply cannot capture on the radio or youtube, but at least it will give you an idea.  With the first song, Matt Redman shared that he and his wife wrote it after her 4th miscarriage and then at another point, the lead singer of Casting Crowns shared about his struggles with dyslexia and ADHD.

"You Never Let Go":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA&feature=related

"Who am I": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqk53sAxLmg&feature=PlayList&p=89C062EC00D22EA8&index=0

2 Corinthians from the Message Bible:
5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

 7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
And one of my most favorite songs of all time that I loved doing at mass at St. Joe's, which goes along with the above verses:



  1. I can relate to this post, my heart fluctuates too;)

  2. Hi Maria:

    Where did you find that picture (top left), Jesus welcoming someone to heaven (I would think), with the dove in the background. I love it! Do you know the illustrator?