In my not too distant past, there was a time I wished that I could have disconnected my feelings from my very body itself, so that I wouldn't feel the pain in my heart or the despair and loss that had taken up a permanent home inside, like a life sucking tumor. I constantly relived the same horrible experience or memories over and over again, like I was viewing a bad movie that wouldn't end. I felt guilty if I even wanted to be happy for a minute, like I didn't deserve it. It robbed me of my real self, because I had finally become a more confident and strong person and then it was like someone hit the delete button on my growing character.
I didn't really care about anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Everything from jobs to money to material possessions to friends to life meant nothing at all to me. Like life was still in slow motion and a fog in my brain and my body was just kinda trailing behind it. I tried things to make it all go away, but in the end I had to look it in the face and deal with it. It had become a part of me and it was effecting my daily life and every chance I had of being happy and moving forward. I remember never really smiling for a long time.
Everyone has different things they have to constantly battle in the quest for ultimate peace and happiness. You can no more control what happens in your life anymore than you can control a tsunami. Why look to so many things that only create a temporary fake happiness that fades so fast that it becomes a constant cycle of ups and downs. Nothing satisfies.
If I let go of my burden that was sucking the very life out of my soul, then I was giving up control and that was scary. I would have to admit that I was human and couldn't control the tsunami of my life and needed something more powerful than I was. But, I was comfortable holding onto baggage that weighed me down because it was predictable and kind of like a friend to me that wouldn't leave, when others did. I was scared of the unknown that lay ahead if I chose to give it all up to God. What would he do with me? I was fighting it pretty hard.
In a great epic story, that I will have to share later, I was so tired and worn out that I did choose to give it all to God. They say that regardless of your beliefs, if you call on him in any way, shape, or form, he does answer and something always happens. Yes, I can say that is true many many times over. I just gave up completely and told him so. Begged him to just do something. Long story short, he took the big rock inside of my soul that was weighing me down like a tombstone and replaced it with something beautiful, light, and happy. Him. God doesn't want us to live in a constant state of guilt, sadness, or grief. That is why HE came to take it away in the first place.
I do have my tough days still, but nothing like they used to be. It keeps me closer to God that I have to always stick close to him and rely on him to take my burdens that I am tempted to pick up again from time to time. It is more than essential to keep the new life that he starts in me again and again. We all fall down and we all get up. I just have to remind myself and be on guard so that I will never give it a chance to let it creep back into my life and consume me again. And as I write this, it is a good reminder to me.
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