THANK YOU to my readers and more thoughts from Maria...

Writing and exposing your personal life to the entire world (not only to friends but also complete strangers) is a very humbling and sometimes scary thing. It has officially been 3 years since I started this blog and to date, I cannot even fathom how I have 3,794 page views, and that has only been since I started tracking it. "Amazing" is how I feel when I think about the fact that I have readers from the U.S (my biggest audience), Canada, UK, Germany, Russia, Brazil, Slovenia, France, India, Africa, and Poland!  Thank you all!

Experiences in life are universal, no matter your age, race, status, or religion.  My readers (and probably my own family!) have come to know me in some deeper ways and have had a chance to experience life through my eyes. Three years of ups and downs, sicknesses, health, death, life, love, loss, moving, settling, unemployment, jobs, doubt, faith, grief, joy, heartache, happiness.  I'm sure there's about a million other really great words I could use too. There were times when I never thought I would get through something and was in the deepest despair of my life and there were times when I was confident and feeling on top of the world and completely hopeful.

The truth is that this makes me think of many really good people that showed they loved me in words and in actions.  It could have been a listening ear, a comforting hug, heart-warming words or most importantly, prayers. Prayers from the heart.  It doesn't matter to God what words you like using, what prayer books or not you like using, or even if you use no words at all.  God takes it all and holds it close to himself.  The times you are happy and have such a thankful grateful heart for what God brought you through, or the times you are so utterly lost and hopeless and there are no words that can possibly help.

My dad used to say, "Baby Jesus says, NEVER GIVE UP!!!" He could love and relate to the cute little baby Jesus in the crib but not to the grownup man on the cross for some reason.  Sometimes it's hard to go on. We feel sick, lonely, sad, tired, worried, poor, unloved, miserable.  The weight of the world is pretty much on our shoulders and we feel as if we just can't do it anymore. We can't take another step up the very steep hill in front of us.  We only see the dismal grey storm clouds in front of us that actually block our view of the gorgeous sunshine with beautiful blue skies and puffy white clouds behind it.  My faith and my experiences have always shown me that at the very worst of life when I have no possible options left, I have no choice but to just give up and give all my control over to God.  So that he can just take it out of my hands completely and do something great with something horrible.  Then there is always a miracle that happens, somehow that just can't be explained.

I guess I should really write about those times more often.

When my parents and I were living in Burnaby, it got to the point that there was no way my dad could continue to pay the mortgage and property taxes on our house; the house I was in since I was about 1 year old and the house that I had just graduated high school in.  We had no choice but to sell it and move to Langley, where we had only really visited once.  We only knew it was super cheap out there and they had a little (at the time) St. Joseph's church. Little did we know how much it would change our lives. It took a massive leap of faith and encouragement from my "uncle" Fr. Joe to make that tough decision. We started fresh and left behind a lot of our past, which I think was pretty wise in the long run.

If we had not moved to Langley, I would not have been part of the most amazing youth group that had a hand in such a big part of my spiritual growth.  I would have not met the most wonderful friends that I still have almost 2 decades later.  I would not have been challenged and encouraged to stay on the right path and I would not have ever felt that I belonged anywhere or that I was truly valued as a person.  And even with moving around a million times since (even to Manitoba), it was Langley that I came back home to and where I discovered so many blessings (and people) hat I would have probably missed out on.

It was not all sunshine and roses and happy faces. But don't worry.  God sees where you are right now at this very second.  And he will NEVER leave you or give up on you.  That is for sure and that is for real.

A Baby is A Baby, No Matter How Small...

(https://www.facebook.com/IDSCforLIFE)

I was looking at photos today of some babies that were born premature at 7 months and 3lbs 5 oz. just like me.  My mission is to hunt down a photo of me when I was born, if it even exists anymore, because my parents had somehow lost it and I am just so curious. It really amazed me and made me pretty emotional at the same time because in Canada a baby can be aborted at exactly this stage in life and also for the fact that it is a girl. There are no laws and no accountability and this just makes me sick beyond belief.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Twtt-mCsXAM&feature=player_embedded

If you think about it, just one second before I was born, the same doctor that helped to bring me into the world could have killed me (yes I am using that word because if you look up what they do that is the only word you can find for it) and that is perfectly ok with the government.  One second.  If someone wants the precious little wonderful life that is growing inside of them, they call it a baby, but if they don't want it, it's just called a fetus or a blob of cells. This makes absolutely NO freakin sense to me whatsoever in any way, shape, or form.  I mean we all had to start from somewhere and it's just common sense.  To see a baby that is just born being held close against her mothers chest and new to the world with all the love that we give it. One second.  Just one second before and it would have never even have had a chance to live and breathe. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXCmt8PBZvk&feature=channel&list=UL

Things could have been much much worse for me health wise than just the issues that I have had to struggle with since I was born.  I know I stayed in the hospital a while and my mom could not even hold me during this time; I think she could only touch me through the little hole in the side of the incubator.  I know I had tons of tubes hooked up to me and equipment so I could breathe, but I was so fortunate that I did not have to undergo any surgeries.  I turned out pretty normal.  Well, sometimes I wonder.....(There is not too much more that I know as my mom can't remember much due to arthritis after I was born, which lead to medication that left her so drugged that she lost huge chunks of her memory, such as my details.) 

Sometimes I wonder why God kept me alive when there are many other babies that didn't make it.  I have no answer to that one, but I do know that I appreciate more and more the fact that I am around.  To think that I would not have been around if my mother listened to some doctor (who is not God by the way, but just some human like us) if he had told her to abort me.  There are so many stupid and ridiculous reasons that people give for allowing abortions versus so called really good or valid reasons. There are no good reasons. Am I God that I can take a life or give a life? If someone harmed a pregnant woman that was 9 months pregnant and about to give birth and the baby died, it would be murder? but the same thing happens 100,000 times around the world daily.  Just think if your son, daughter, friend, mother, father, husband, wife, niece, nephew or anyone you love was taken from you suddenly. 

I don't know why God blesses some women with babies and some not.  I am not God and I will never know why he allows certain things to happen in this imperfect world. I know that there are probably tons of parents out there that never wanted to have kids and complain about them all the time and wish that they were never born and will actually tell their kids that to their face.  But I do know that there are tons of wonderful loving couples that would give anything in the world to have a baby and even to save just one from an abortion; to give it love and raise it as their own and give it a chance.  A chance like I had just at living.  There are so many awesome organizations and practical help and love for couples that are going through an unwanted, unplanned, unhappy, or scary pregnancy.  There is hope and healing and love and life.

http://www.thesignalhill.com

http://weneedalaw.ca

http://www.clcbc.org

I worked with a lady some years ago whose daughter was pretty young, maybe 16? and her mom found out she was pregnant.  Well, the lady was so angry that the daughter got pregnant (not angry that she was sleeping around though).  Then I saw a bit of happiness as she talked about being a grandmother.  Then she talked about her daughter wanting to have an abortion.  It was really sad because I could tell the lady was in denial trying to convince herself  that it was up to her daughter and she herself was having too much fun at this point in her life to become a grandmother and look after a baby and her daughter was not responsible enough to raise a child.  I remember the heavy sad feeling in my heart. I don't know what happened to that family as I had left that job before I knew.  Even to this day about 5 years later, I still wish I had said or done something more.  

A precious baby growing inside the womb is just as much a living breathing baby outside the womb.  They both need our love and they both need our protection.

"Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...?"

I can't believe sometimes how simple little things trigger memories and emotions that you think were long gone and forgotten.  I used to pride myself on the fact that for years nothing ever really made me cry, except the odd sappy movie.  Not sure why that was.  I think I was a pretty emotional kid and then I realized that it got me nowhere to put my heart on the line, feel, be vulnerable etc. because I learnt that you were just going to get badly hurt again and again and again.  It was far better to be strong and not let anything touch you.  But somewhere along the way, and in people that I loved that lived in denial, I saw that having concrete walls all around you is not all that it is cracked up to be.  It's very tough and painful to do sometimes, but it's far healthier to face your fears and take a chance with the possibility of being hurt, then to live in a supposed safe and closed off comfort zone, never knowing what could be.

Emotions.  I think with my heart. Sometimes I wish I was not an emotional person, but I have had to face the fact that it is part of who I am.  Yes, sappy movies make me cry.  Yes, I want the prince charming on the white horse to come and take me away to his castle.  Yes, I love happy endings, even if they are boring and predictable.  Yes, to cute puppies and babies and hearts and roses.  Sometimes I hate it because it takes a lot out of me. On the flip side, I also consider myself somewhat of a strong person that thinks alot (way too much) with their head.  I am always analyzing things and trying to figure out why things are the way they are and why people are they way they are a little too much I think?  Sometimes I just need to just DO more instead of second-guessing myself and not being confident of my actions.  I guess I do enjoy that I am both the feeling and the thinking mixed together.  Feelings enrich my world and grow my heart, but thinking helps me make good decisions and keep me anchored through it all and helps me realize how far I have come from my past.

Even something as simple as an email from someone that used to be a huge part of my life and seeing how they signed it with my nickname (which is used only by my family really) brought a whole flood of emotions to the surface.  Or seeing old photos or emails or letters from someone that was everything to me, but slowly fading away into the past that was the old me. Sometimes it is something you think is very small.  A visit from someone that you were so close to for so many years and then not can even make you realize how your past is a part of who you are and why you deal with things a certain way.  Broken relationships for any reason (be it death or breakups) have such a profound effect on how you see your own worth and that is hard.  Even hearing the family fighting across the alley tonight for some reason made me think of certain things from my childhood. You cannot run from your past anymore than you can run from the rain in Vancouver.  It is impossible.

So don't run.  Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Think and move ahead to hope and a future and make a step in the right direction; forwards. I think the best thing is to realize how far along you have come and how you have made progress when something triggers a memory or feeling from you and you realize it doesn't bother you like it used to. God is an expert at healing us like that.  He takes the broken pieces of our shattered hearts and he pieces them back together and then gives us a new heart back.  Eventually. When I think about the past 4 years in my own life, I have no idea why I am still sane and why I have adjusted as well as I have to things that have happened.  These things are a part of who you are, but they don't have to rule your entire life and cripple you from living the life you were meant to be blessed with here on earth. There is no possible reason or any explanation that I can come up with except God.  I didn't adopt any positive thinking and it was nothing that I did on my own whatsoever.  How can you fix yourself?

I am around very highly intelligent and educated people every day, which is part of my job.  There are times where I feel pretty inadequate and just downright dumb compared to them.  But, they are just flesh and blood regular people that were created out of nothing like I was and they had to start from somewhere.  They would be the first to admit that they are just regular people as well (although some may not want to admit it).  They have a soul and a spirit and a heart and a mind just as human as mine is. I have learnt so much from being around them and getting to know them as people, as well as seasoned professionals.  There is a lot of talk and writing and debates in general in the world about proving the existence of God through many different ways, such as science. But ultimately you have to have your own personal story or experience that makes its way into your heart from the beginning of the journey where it starts in your head.

The only thing I can say about that is some of the best proofs in my life came from real experiences and not anything tangible. God does work in a billion different ways to reveal himself to our world in the most amazing way through people, nature, science and discoveries, church, media, music, etc. The list goes on and on.  And all those things most definitely did help my faith, my hope, my insight, and my knowledge.  (And I believe in as much education as you can get, which I hope to do one day.) But the best way that God chooses to work in my own life is LIFE.  The school of life. You want proof that God exists?  I would love more than anything to tell the whole world that he does, just from things I have gone through, now sitting here in BC typing away and wondering how I even got this far. I still have no idea.  That's God to me. I never want to take for granted any blessings that God sees fit to bring my way, even though I am tempted to think about all the things I do not have.  I am only human after all.

Again, it was nothing special that I did or think or say to get through it all, except to go through my pain and face it head on in my own way, instead of living in the world of denial and concrete walls.  To be in the dark and hopeless valleys of rejection, fear, death, loss, sickness, hate, loneliness WITH God.  Knowing he was never going to leave me like so many people that I had loved.  Knowing that he was with me in my brokenness and with me in the times that my heart ached so much that I could not even cry. And the times when all I could do is cry and never want to stop.  The times when I wondered if I would ever see happiness again and what I had ever done to deserve the misery. The times when I hated myself and others and thought that I was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or just enough for anyone.

God was there through it all, like the footprints poem.  He was carrying me all along to the other side of it all.  Hebrews 4:15-16:  "For we have not a high priest who cannot have compassion on our infirmities, but one tried as we are in all things except sin.  Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need" and 11:1-3:  "Now faith is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that are not seen; for by it the men of old had testimony borne to them.  By faith we understand that the world was fashioned by the word of God; and thus things visible were made out of things visible."

They say that people write best about what they know about.  It does get better.  I can attest to that.  That's all the proof I need.

A Reflection on Life (In Memory of Chris Doty)

I had forgot I had even written this until today when I went through all my poetry from over the years.  It was written pretty close to the funeral of a friend of ours from our old St. Joe's youth group in 2001.  How little did I know that years later it would still be relevant to me in different ways.

Oh God, we seem to think we know how this complicated game of life works.  We seem to trust that our short earthly life will stretch on for miles and will never reach the end of the road.  We take it all for granted.  We are so dumbfounded and struck when we discover that a companion on this road was taken so suddenly from us.  It wounds us, scars us, and hurts our spirit in a real and tangible way.  And yet, it also alerts us to the fact that it is you who start and finish our journey, not us, and that we should love stronger, hope firmer, and become what you want us to be.  Ultimately, what we are doing now at this very moment determines our place in your everlasting kingdom.

Why then do we waste our lives here so much and throw it away on trivial little things that will never last and that makes us all the more empty?  I guess we are all searching and longing in our own ways to be desperately loved and needed.  We learn from those who've passed us already and are holding the prize in their hands.  We look at some lives and think that they were so successful in the world's eyes, but what and who are they to you, God?  Does all the fame and money in the world matter to God?  But others, dearest to our hearts, cause us to ponder our own lives and to wish that we are like them; loving, giving, unselfish, and compassionate.

Not that we hold them up as gods or idols, but rather we understand that for their right and simple lives, they are now walking with you.  They now, at long last, have what we all spend our entire lives searching for.  They didn't know it on earth, but they have found it now.  Maybe it is a call to action, a knowledge of how frail and little we really are.  Maybe it points us to always keep the end in sight; to always think of you and of each other and that it is the heart that counts.  And in the end, you will come to greet us with open arms and a smile and hold us close.  For all along, you knew that one day we would find out way back home to you.

I Want You To Love Me...

I honestly wrote this "just because" poem because it struck me how we all want relationships.  Relationships that last and relationships that don't come and go and have real quality to them.  It dawned on me that we should not have pre-conceived notions of a certain "type" of person that we want to be with, but that there are heart qualities that are much more important and that we long for.  Hope you like it.  (And I was not even in a sappy mood or anything.)

I want you to love me when we are old and grey, and the youth that we know is slipping away.
I want you to love me when I can't walk anymore, and you have to help me just to get to the door.
I want you to love me when I cannot remember, when I get discouraged and show my temper.
I want you to just be there no matter what, and love me in spite of all my crazy stuff.
I want you to love me when I can't offer the world, when there are no more diamonds and gold and pearls.
I want you to love me when I can't sing any more, when I worry and doubt about what is in store.
I want you to love me and never grow tired, I want us to always have that one fire.
I want you to love me for everything I am, for the life in my soul, for the things in God's plan.
I want you to love me when I just can't go on, and you're there by my side encouraging me on.
I want you to love me when there is nothing I can do, but give you my heart love you too.
I want you to love me in good times and bad, through everything happy and everything sad.
I want you to always be there for me, I want it to always be me that you need.
I want you to hold my hand and my heart, to be the missing piece and the light in my dark.
I want you to love me for my faith and my self, for that is the greatest of all treasure and wealth.

Maria Santarossa 2012

The Sunday My Life Changed...My Latin Mass Experience

I really and truly didn't know what to expect on Sunday when I went to my first ever Traditional Latin (Catholic) Mass at Holy Family Parish in Vancouver.  I was the last person on this earth that ever thought I would end up loving all things Latin!  (Which now includes traditional latin hymns, gregorian chant, and mass parts!  I am still the same girl though that loves her guitar and praise & worship music on the side.) It was one thing that I loved to go to Italian Mass with my parents when I was younger, but I just thought everyone that loved Latin Mass was in some secret club that was a little scary and stuck in the past, refusing to move ahead with the times.  PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Slowly, the beautiful bits and pieces of Latin that I experienced through people I knew at work started to grow on me. My dissatisfaction was at such a high level that I was hopping from one parish to another in hopes that there could be a place where I fit in. I was also coming out of a very difficult phase of my life where it seemed that people were very critical, judgemental, and preachy and I just wanted to get far away.

I have been a "regular" Catholic my entire life and had gone to Mass a million times over, because I truly understood and loved what it meant and because I believed it for my own; heart, mind and soul.  I went to daily morning Mass many times through the years and even at work I was more than privileged to be able to attend daily Mass with the students and faculty.  There was a strength and a comfort and a stability that I found no where else. I did have many profound experiences in other denominational churches as I had stopped going to Catholic church for about 5 months at one point about 3 years go, but then came back, through a powerful homily on the Eucharist on EWTN (tv.)  I learnt so very much about different Christians and the way they pray and worship and go to church, but through it all, there was one thing that could not be explained away by anyone, and which I had always believed in and which stood the test of time.  The real and true presence of Jesus in Holy Communion.

The Catholic church can be traced all the way back to Jesus' time, especially with the line of Popes that have not been broken since Peter, the apostle.  One of the turning points for me in searching and questioning my faith later on in life (that I never had to do), was that there are manuscripts that date before the year 100AD describing the way the early church worshipped together, which was identical (and actually quite a lot longer) to the Mass that we know today. Well, the Latin Mass actually. And even many years before the first book of the New Testament was ever written, there existed traditions that were passed on from Jesus to the Apostles and so on.  There were some super cool great facts; that's for sure, but it had to make it into my heart and not just into my head.  Yes, there are horrible, judgemental and hypocritical Catholics that give us good ones a pretty bad name, but there are those type of people in every walk of life and in every church.  We are all imperfect humans and there is no denying that truth.  But God is no comparison to our humanity and how very little we are, and I would be missing out on quite a lot actually, if I followed things because of people's example and not God speaking to my heart.

These are just my thoughts from when I came home last Sunday and the experience that changed the way I looked at everything when I go to Mass.  I don't know what yours has been, but feel free to share this with anyone and leave me a comment if you have been touched in a similar way.

I thought I had experienced Jesus already….

(Photo courtesy of Clayton Richard Long)

Today changed my life forever.  It was like I had a taste of what the saints must have experienced after they received Holy Communion.  It felt as if my entire being was so full of Jesus that nothing else mattered and the earth stood still, and like I actually met Jesus for the first time in person.  I couldn’t stop smiling a real genuine smile full of peace and joy that I had never known before and I hadn't felt that happy since before my dad passed away.  I had many deep and real experiences of Jesus in Holy Communion before, but I never felt like this ever.  It was like another world had opened up to me altogether and nothing could take it away.  I didn’t even look at my watch and that an hour and a half had passed and I was completely unaware, for I was in the presence of God and where I wanted to stay forever.  It ended, but instead of feeling like something was missing and the experience was over, it was opposite.  I felt like Jesus was so alive inside of me, an unworthy human, and he had filled in all the emptiness I had been feeling my whole life.  Especially lately.  It didn’t feel sad, like it was over and now I have to go back to my horrible sad life.  It was as if I was taking him with me and life was so much sweeter, richer, better for HE was in it.  I felt like a real soldier of God, strong in him and strong in his life in me.

It was so much more than I could ever have imagined and even the words that come now cannot do justice to the most amazing feeling of salvation come down to me.  I had been starving and now I was no longer hungry.

HE is our bread and our food and our life, and it all makes much more sense to me now.  We look to fill ourselves with everything in the entire world that is only a created, empty thing.  What we really need and long for with all our being and may not even know it yet, is the feeling of filling ourselves with the very creator of our souls.  And the real King of the universe, Almighty God, that has sent everything our souls need in the form of the perfect God and perfect man, my Lord Jesus. Our souls are restless until we rest in him, but I was doing everything I knew for as long as I could and still had this restlessness.  I think God even allowed me to not have time to eat before I went, so that I could experience him filling my soul so very full and even the hours that went by after that where I was not even hungry.   Every experience I had such as confession, going to retreats, spiritual conferences, and even “regular” Mass was wonderful and powerful, but this trumps them all.  I understood in such a full, rich, and complete way just how Calvary is real on earth.  It happens every Mass, but it never felt like this!

I am a very detailed person that loves to analyze everything.  I think that your heart and your soul has to be in a place to receive something as powerful as this and receptive.   Not with judgement or pre-conceived notions of what you are assuming is true from second hand knowledge without even ever experiencing the real thing.  You have to find it out for yourself and it was the time for me.  I knew it.  I knew there had to be more than what I was experiencing and nothing I found in other denominations either.  I knew in my heart and my mind what I believed as a Catholic and what the Apostles and Jesus handed down, but there was something that was just not there on Sundays and it bothered me more and more with each passing week.  Completely trusting in God and giving up everything of my old, tired self over to him, he was humbling me, as also the sermon just happened to be about humility and what the world thinks is so completely opposite to what God thinks.  I can see now that this is what the world outside would call opposite and completely crazy and even to a degree how some some Catholics that have never experienced this would see it.  But, for the first time in being Catholic for 35 years, I didn’t want to blend in with the world, I wanted to BE Catholic and loving it. I have never ever felt so right and so complete in my whole entire life.

I kind of half followed along the Latin, then the English, but at most points I just wanted to take it all in and watch what my eyes saw and what my heart  felt.  Letting go of myself and my own ways, and really experiencing what Jesus wanted of me.  I wonder if everyone here feels like this all the time, I wondered?!!   I had been to a million masses and knew Italian, so I guess that made my heart follow along with what was going on, as my head was trying to concentrate on translations and where I was.  It is interesting how a regular Mass just seems so boring like you could sit there and let your mind wander and go through the motions and then before you know it, it’s all over and you have received nothing.  (Although it is your state of participation that does matter and you have still received Jesus in Holy Communion.)  Traditional Latin Mass is so completely different to anything anyone could ever experience that it would be virtually impossible to sit there and be bored.  You just can't.  It is very familiar yet so new at the same time to someone that has never been to one.

Everything was so different, but what struck me was that it was anything but boring.  There were more scriptures and psalms and responses in between parts and sometimes there was chanting and sometimes there were hymns and sometimes it was the priest only (not used to that) and sometimes it was the people.  The contrast really struck me, such as times of deeper reverence and slower chanting and then the joyous burst of angelic voices for the closing recessional hymn.  It wasn’t all one speed or tempo?  The choir was like I was in the presence of angels like in Revelation and the organ was so heavenly that it was like I had never ever heard an organ before.  And I have heard some pretty bad ones, which had honestly turned me off anything with organ music.  I remember having this debate on fb about organ music and guitar....mia colpa. At regular Mass if there is an organ, it just seems so depressing and everything they sing drags and sounds like a funeral procession.  Like there is only one speed and everything is the same.  Slow and horrible and painful.  Not these beautiful highs and lows and in betweens to reflect the appropriate parts and how we experience them.  Hard to put into words, but I can try.

I noticed some nice parishioners helping us newbies out and showing us where the readings where in the little booklets and in those fat little black books. (Ha, yes I don't know the terminology yet.)  I followed along with the readings as the priest read them in Latin, and I was surprised that I didn’t feel that I was missing out, especially to my joy when they also read the English of the readings and the gospel. I did pretty good with the different standing, kneeling, sitting even though it was almost completely different than what I was used to and I didn't even feel out of place.  It was like I just knew what to do (somewhat) even without English.  For some odd reason it didn’t seem like routine to me or a chore like usual Mass and my spirit could feel what was taking place.  The homily was challenging and real, but also full of truth and relevance for today more than anything.  It wasn’t old fashioned outdated preaching like I thought it would be; it was solid and I was paying 100% attention.  The priest talked about how much we rely on technology and how much we all want to be how the world is with perfect hair, perfect skin etc.  It also struck me about lectors at regular Mass and how most of them don’t even read like they want to be there and don’t put much into it.  Of course then, how would the people get inspired to take it to heart?

Mass went along with me trying again to read some Latin and some English from these pretty helpful books that explained every part of the Mass.  I thought I knew it all, but the footnotes were really great and made me see everything with completely new eyes. But then, all of a sudden, time stood still and I looked up because for some reason I knew, I just knew it was the consecration.  When the priest lifted up the host for all eyes to see and held it up there for a while, I more than knew what was going on.  I wanted to cry because it was real.  More real than anything I could ever see with my human eyes and touch with my human hands. The only way that I can describe it was that there was nothing around me and no one around me.  Only HIM.  Time as I knew it seemed frozen, and the host suspended was in the midst of heaven and earth;  in the middle of its miracle from bread of the earth to body of my Lord.  For that is what we believe, but how often do we take it for granted?  I started thinking the whole Mass, oh my God wow what an incredible experience I am having and I can't believe I am here, but it turned into my whole soul and my whole being and everything I was pouring out my life to him My Lord and my God!  All I can say is that as I looked at Him, it was the most emotional Eucharistic experience that I had ever had.  And it’s not limited to a small group of selected people either.

One thing I was really shocked and completely thrilled with was the total reverence and respect that you could feel as soon as you walked in.  The clothing matched the atmosphere as everyone was dressed very covered and respectful (with some ladies wearing veils) which was a contract to most Masses where it is very casual with some women dressed like they are literally going to the beach with short shorts and showing way too much cleavage.  I guess they dress like how they normally do anyways. It just all made sense when I jokingly told my friend, no jeans right?  I have to quote him because of his explanation....Of course God loves you no matter the clothes you wear, but you know where you are going every Sunday, right?-----to Mass, the Sacrifice of our Lord.  Would you dress nice for a friends wedding or a friends funeral? This is our Lord and the reverence level is very high...

I was surprised how genuine and loving the people were that I met after Mass and they were so welcoming and friendly.  They were so normal and happy and one of the priests I met was very friendly; I loved the way he broke the ice because of my deer in the headlights look and made me feel so much at ease.  I was SERIOUSLY expecting the cranky old ladies that you meet at every other parish.  I was so sick and tired of going to a million other “regular” parishes where during Mass it all was so casual where people were talking and laughing and not paying attention to anything and they all seemed more unhappy and bored than when they came in.  People can’t wait to get out as fast as they can, like the building is on fire and they come in missing half the Mass and then run out before the last song even starts.  I struggled with that for years, thinking it was the music, thinking it was the people, thinking it was the priest, wondering what the heck was wrong with me that it affected me so much.  Did anyone else feel like I did?  A good friend was commenting on how at the Mass she goes to, she pretty much grins and bears it and sees it as penance.  That made me sad because it is so completely not what our experience should be!

With the Latin Mass today, even though the priest’s back was turned to us, we were all facing our Father God together in a way and no one was looking around, chewing gum, looking at what other people were doing and what they were wearing and who was there.  And that was bizarre to me as you would think that more people would pay attention to the “new” Mass because they could see the priest and everything that was going on, but it was opposite.  I never realized how much we all look at the priest who seems to be doing all the work, rather than the priest leading us to all offer ourselves up to God. I felt so comfortable because everyone was so focused on every part of the Mass and what was going on and not with what everyone around them was doing.  There were no distractions and it was so intense and real.  Not the other way, like spectators, but active participants at the altar of God.  Before it felt to me like the Last Supper and everyone gathered casually around a table, but now it felt like the most precious of sacrifices of Calvary come to us and we were all a part of it.  The supper table had become the altar where I laid my human self down, and all the endless words had become an offering from all the people straight to God, with the priest.

This is what we believe as Catholics!  This is the reality of the very presence of Jesus in the Eucharist!  And I had been a really strong faithful Catholic pretty much my whole life.  I thought I knew Jesus fine until today, when he came down from heaven to the altar and into my heart, mind, and soul, and promised he would never ever leave me.  It was like all the lines and all the dots and all the pieces of the puzzle were put together and all joined and it all leads back to Him.  As I went back on the long bus trip, I didn’t even care what time had gone by.  I felt like this is how the Lord’s Day is always to be celebrated. I didn’t even want to go shopping or other stuff that I used to do, not caring what day it was, and that was sad. People didn’t rush off as soon as Communion was over, they all stayed.  Even when adoration started, many stayed.  Even the people that went to the hall after for fellowship stayed a super long time.  I sat in Adoration, because as I said before, I could not leave.  I just could not physically leave at all.  It was like a magnet.  I stayed and just sat in the Lord’s presence like I had never done in years.  I used to sit forever in front of the Blessed Sacrament and hear God’s voice in many ways in my heart and for such a long time, I could not sit still anywhere though.  I thought it was just me and always being distracted and I could never even sit with my mind being able to focus, even on reading a book.  This girl that used to do nothing but read and read and read.  Well, after just sitting, I read all these beautiful prayers in the back of the books that were like ones I used to read when I was younger.  I could not get enough prayers!

On the way back home, I just couldn’t help but look at all the faces I saw.  People around me so sad, lonely, empty, stressed (and strung out on stuff.)  I wanted to tell them all that you can have it all!  I wish everyone could experience what I did today.  It was real and I want to never ever forget it, and I am going every single week.  It would take a lot for me to miss this!  How could I???  And to think it all started with a sad day yesterday, thinking of my dad and wanting to get out of Langley and go to Vancouver because it was Father’s Day.  I couldn’t even function at all yesterday and just slept and cried because I missed my dad more than anything since he had passed.  I was so lonely for many reasons, but I didn’t need just another Sunday where nothing changed in my heart and it was business as usual and Jesus passed me by.  I needed the day where everything changed and heaven met earth, if even for a little bit, if even just for me.

Singleness & Spiders...

I liked thinking of myself as a multi-tasker instead of discovering I have some pretty darn good similarities to someone with ADHD.  Meaning, I have a zillion things going through my head at any given second, from making a list of to do things to reading a book to thinking about life to going from one thing to another.  Also, in conversations with some people, I jump from one topic to another.  It may seem like I am not paying attention to what you are saying or that I don't care, but the fact is I do care so much that I get excited in my head about what I want to say next. I thought most people operated like this, until someone that paid attention to what I did pointed some interesting stuff out to me.  Like the fact that I can't sit still.  Trying pretty hard right now actually.  But, some people may never know this about me until they know me for a while.

ANYHOW, I was all nice and relaxed and starting to pick up where I left off with reading more of the book Wheat Belly (soooooo fascinating and had been kinda following the eating idea of it, so I thought I better read it.  A definate recommend.)  Then I thought about wanting some cheese (which is the staple of my life and what everything I eat revolves around) but it was 11pm and I better be a good girl so I can keep loosing weight and feeling good and went to have some red peppers instead.  Thought about how boring they were. Then I sat back down and started reading, but in my head all I could think about was some funny great things about being single.  Such as wearing whatever you want around the house and not caring if you match or even if you look decent.  I will have to do a list on another post, but that is another topic I want to jump to.  Proves my point about ADHD.

ANYHOW, then I started to read again and I swear it was getting good, but then I thought about the worst thing about being single was that there was no one else to kill the spiders and stuff.  I was pretty proud about kinda overcoming that one SLOWLY over time as also working at RPC, when the insects love to come out at this time, had helped me a bit not be so "girly" and scream in fear every time I saw something even as small as a speck of dirt with legs that moved.  (It's worse when you wear glasses, because if you are sorta blind without them you think something is a small speck of dirt, and then it starts moving...)

Then I swear all of a sudden I looked up and randomly saw a big huge spot over in the corner above the kitchen/dining room table and it was MOVING.  Awwww, S- - - - I said, not now!!!  Fear gripped my heart like a big claw, but I took a deep breath because it dawned on me that oh S---- I can't really call someone to come over and kill a spider for me.  DARNIT!  Not having a vaccum yet (long story), I ran over to the table and jumped up on the chair with my swiffer stick in arm, vowing that I would kill that thing and not let it just get wounded, limping around and falling to the ground and run away, and then I would never be able to find it and be completely paranoid the whole night and not sleep, knowing there was a thing crawling out there somewhere.  And my place is tiny.  Maybe I am obsessive compulsive after all, I thought to myself just then.

ANYHOW, I pounded the edge of that swiffer so hard that the neighbours may have been worried as the windows were open with it being so warm today and 11pm or not, I was on a mission.  The sucker didn't have a chance to say goodbye as I kept pounding like a dozen times just to make sure it was dead.  Because they have lived before through a barbaric attack such as that one and indeed limped away quicker than I could catch it.  Well, that thing (by now almost his whole body was mangled into a juicy pulp) whose body was half gone managed to fall onto the table surface and try, I say try, to half-limp, half-run away from me.  How did he dare??? Paper towel and one last squish fixed that for good.  For DARN good!

ANYHOW....back to my book now.  I just hope I can manage to read more before I get up and start doing something else....

ALL ABOUT MEN!!!

Those who know me describe me as pretty animated and full of life and well....sometimes hilarious.  But it is exhausting work, let me tell you.  Some funny things that go on in my life (lately it would be conversations with co-workers) are worth writing about though.  Wouldn't you just love to be a fly on the wall in my office or on my outside lunch hours?  But, I truly do (honestly!) have many times where I am quiet and observant and thinking about deep things inside my soul that only God knows.

The topic came up about how many love connections of marriage are made through RPC (Redeemer Pacific College) and I was totally amazed.  There are so many reasons why it is truly a special community just in general that you really have to visit for just one day to understand for yourself.  I was telling my teacher friend that I should have a column when our new swanky newsletter comes out like Maria's Love Corner?  I think it would be entertaining to read, don't you?  It got me thinking though of how much spiritual life is important to me in friends, both guys and gals and how that works into love.

I have to say that the story of my life (except for some very few examples) is normally one of unrequited love. I just so love a guy, but he never sees me in that way at all.  So, it would be disasterous and stupid to kill the friendship by taking a risk and telling the guy how I really feel?  Because then he looks at me weird and goes the other way.  End of story.  End of fairytale.  Or, there were guys that did see me that way, but I could never really imagine seeing them in that way back.  Not anyone's fault, just flattered but nothing there.  Sigh.

Anyhow....back to what was I saying?  I realized why hold things back if they entertain you, my readers or hey if they help you in some strange way. I used to think it was totally scary to be personal with strangers and friends alike on my blank internet page, but now I just don't care and there is freedom in honesty.  (Well, to a certain point.  I mean, I have to have some secrets after all....) But, you know, the truth will set you free and all.

Really in the end, why did I like the guys I do?  Yes, there was certainly some physical attraction, like a spark that cannot be explained or contained or planned and great if it was mutual!  And there was plenty of fun and good times and interests and other things we had in common.  And there was a certain type.  Hmmm, maybe tall, dark-haired and perfectly handsome or even short and cute and boyishly charming. But, there has to be something deeper than this natural chemistry, otherwise there is nothing at all there that is stable and real and worth growing into the most wonderful and loving relationship that could possibly ever be.

I think most girls are attracted to the bad boy type.  Unfortunately. But, really, the one that wins our heart in the end is the one that is the good sweet boy; kind, caring, listening, comforting, helping, loving, giving.   They exist.  I have seen them with my own eyes.  They are out there girls!  And we also DO secretly want the ending of Wedding Singer to be our own.  You know, the greatest song of all time that makes me laugh and cry even if I watch that stupid movie 100 times.  Stupid kleenex box.  Stupid song.

If I had to mention the MOST attractive qualities that nice Christian woman look for in a man, it would have to be his faith and his convictions. Well, and how he treats you! Actions usually do speak louder than words and he must show it and not just tell you that you are the most wonderful amazing gorgeous woman in the entire universe.  Yeah, there are others that are attractive and all, but only you have the ability to capture his attention like no other.  And there is something so powerful and awesome about a man who is strong in his beliefs no matter what and confident enough to know what he wants in life.  I don't mean arrogance.  I mean he knows and loves truth and would defend it and YOU to his last breath.  A man that loves his faith is a real man that has respect for women, unlike many so called men out there at the present time of this writing.

If mutual faith and morals and spiritual goals are not there, there is not too much I can say about that.  I like to think of it as a husband and wife should inspire each other to holiness, to greatness, and help each other get to heaven.  Not sure where I got that from, so don't ever quote my actual words.  That is the heart of the mission. That is where happiness lives and grows and doesn't give the word "committment" a bad name. I didn't have much in terms of good marriage role models around me growing up, but I really do now.  I guess I count that as a blessing in this stage of my life. Don't just settle for anyone. Your heart is just too important.

If you are still reading this long post, my hats off to you. That means you may just be as crazy as I am!  But, a good crazy.  I should never be ashamed of my personality and try to be someone I am not and I love being a crazy Italian that has come alive in my faith again and again and again.  What you see is what you get, I would like to add. I think that is important in a relationship. I used to look at nice proper quiet girls and think that I am not like that so I don't think any guy will like me for who I am and love me for me.  I am me and every woman out there should grow into the way that God wanted them to be; just themselves.  Same goes for the men.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so don't think it's all about the outside physical appearance (or the money, or the job or what you drive!)

We will love you for who you are inside and your heart of gold and your loyalty and your faith no matter what changes on the outside.  Because it's truly what's inside that counts.  Now I am going to bed; that was enough. And goodnight!

Let Go and Let God

There is such an amazing connection between the body, soul, mind, and spirit that I only realize more and more as I get older.  I am a big analyzer, detail person, and more and more self-aware which I am using to  look at the things I do and how it affects me.  So I can somehow be better.  I have always been one to want to know the whole truth, even if it is negative and I have to deal with it head on, then to be one of those denial people, that pretend something is not there and hope it will go away.  

In my not too distant past, there was a time I wished that I could have disconnected my feelings from my very body itself, so that I wouldn't feel the pain in my heart or the despair and loss that had taken up a permanent home inside, like a life sucking tumor. I constantly relived the same horrible experience or memories over and over again, like I was viewing a bad movie that wouldn't end.  I felt guilty if I even wanted to be happy for a minute, like I didn't deserve it.  It robbed me of my real self, because I had finally become a more confident and strong person and then it was like someone hit the delete button on my growing character.

I didn't really care about anything.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  Everything from jobs to money to material possessions to friends to life meant nothing at all to me.  Like life was still in slow motion and a fog in my brain and my body was just kinda trailing behind it. I tried things to make it all go away, but in the end I had to look it in the face and deal with it.  It had become a part of me and it was effecting my daily life and every chance I had of being happy and moving forward.  I remember never really smiling for a long time.

Everyone has different things they have to constantly battle in the quest for ultimate peace and happiness.  You can no more control what happens in your life anymore than you can control a tsunami.  Why look to so many things that only create a temporary fake happiness that fades so fast that it becomes a constant cycle of ups and downs.  Nothing satisfies.

If I let go of my burden that was sucking the very life out of my soul, then I was giving up control and that was scary.  I would have to admit that I was human and couldn't control the tsunami of my life and needed something more powerful than I was.  But, I was comfortable holding onto baggage that weighed me down because it was predictable and kind of like a friend to me that wouldn't leave, when others did. I was scared of the unknown that lay ahead if I chose to give it all up to God.  What would he do with me?  I was fighting it pretty hard.  

In a great epic story, that I will have to share later, I was so tired and worn out that I did choose to give it all to God.  They say that regardless of your beliefs, if you call on him in any way, shape, or form, he does answer and something always happens.  Yes, I can say that is true many many times over. I just gave up completely and told him so.  Begged him to just do something.  Long story short, he took the big rock inside of my soul that was weighing me down like a tombstone and replaced it with something beautiful, light, and happy.  Him. God doesn't want us to live in a constant state of guilt, sadness, or grief.  That is why HE came to take it away in the first place.

I do have my tough days still, but nothing like they used to be. It keeps me closer to God that I have to always stick close to him and rely on him to take my burdens that I am tempted to pick up again from time to time.  It is more than essential to keep the new life that he starts in me again and again.  We all fall down and we all get up. I just have to remind myself and be on guard so that I will never give it a chance to let it creep back into my life and consume me again.  And as I write this, it is a good reminder to me.

Hope & Love Are Possible...

Recognize this poster from my office!?

Writing has always been my passion ever since I could hold a crayon and scribble.  I think it was the one thing in my life that was always stable, and the one thing I never cared about what people thought of me.  When I was younger I would write cute little poems and cute little funny short stories.  I remember my stories always made the class laugh and I loved that. Then the poems turned into deeper thoughts and feelings about what I was going through in life.  Even way back, I wanted to help others through what I had gone through and always (overly) sensitive, picking up on what people were feeling.  I am a pretty detailed person that loves to analyze everything and solve problems, but sometimes you just can't fix everything you want to.

I remember starting this blog in 2009 and planning to write a bit of something close to every day.  Well, I did pretty good for a while and then life just got in the way too much.  The things that I seemed to loose out on in life took away my spark and just about killed any motivation I had to share anything with the outside world.  I now realize that many of my dreams had died either a sudden death or a slow and painful death. You give up because there is so much loss and so much heartache and you feel like just a shell of a person and empty inside.  I stopped writing because I believed the many lies that filled my head.

Since that time, there have been many battles that I have had to overcome (inside and out) that would take way too long to write in one post.  But the truth remains that life does get easier.  There are bad times, but then there are good.  There is death, but then there is new life.  There is sadness and heartache, but then there is joy and love.  There is despair, but then there is hope.  Wait; this sounds pretty familiar.  Like the words of St. Francis of Assisi:

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make us instruments of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, Grant that we may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

But, what really inspired me to writing again on my blog after 10 months is thinking about how much family and friends (including my friends at RPC) have helped me just by being themselves.  I think most of them will never know what a big hug, word of encouragement, email, fb message, or prayer has done for my soul and my heart.  And it always seemed like it was just at the right times and at my lowest.  God always sends people and things your way, but you have to be open to seeing and hearing them. Sometimes it takes a while to get to the next new phase of life, but it feels really good to be on the upward climb and not always the downward.

Recently, I was pretty down and pretty sick for a few weeks.  The sickest I have ever been in my life and that scared me.  I knew for some reason that it also acted as a wake up call because I had stopped caring about many things and was not taking care of myself as I should.  It was a mixed blessing in disguise to help me start to take charge of my life and to be better in so many ways, both for myself and for others.  The biggest thing that came out of that through some events I had gone to recently, is that it made me have hope again for my future and a special love that I know waits for me somewhere according to God's design.  I can't go back and change the past, but I can look ahead to a fresh start, because we all have a million fresh starts.  Our lives renew itself all the time and is never the same.

And the totally random thought that made me start to write today was about love.  I was thinking about what love is and how good and helpful people around me is the best solution to the other people that are very negative and judgemental and critical.  I realized in my own past that I was looking for love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong people because I just didn't have much of it in my own self and for my own self.  Past mistakes taught me that I had gone into situations because I didn't want to listen to the still small voice of God telling me no. I thought I knew better that God and I was afraid of being alone and unloved.

Isn't that what we all want?  Isn't the cry of our hearts just to be loved by another person?  It could be a guy or a girl, a friend, a mother or father or family member; it doesn't really matter.  We all want to be loved.  Period.  The best love comes from God who puts it into our hearts, then it just seems like we can properly love ourselves and others the purest way it should be.  And obviously my faith is a given in all of this and in everything I have gone through.  Otherwise, there is no way I would even be writing this or living my life or moving ahead.

LOVE IS THIS:  Being able to be yourself around someone on good days and bad and still feel safe and loved.  Being able to speak your mind and share your heart and be listened to and never rejected.  To be around someone that naturally motivates you to want to be a better person for yourself and for the other. To be loyal to the end, putting the other person first and only wanting the best for them.  For someone to know you so well that few words are sometimes necessary.  You don't have to be high and mighty and super popular around true love.  Love is words that warm the heart and actions that build up the soul.  To walk down the road of life hand in hand together against everything that comes.