Christmas and What it Means to Me, Even Now...

Since my father passed away suddenly Nov. 25th, nothing has been the same.  I always thought myself emotionally and mentally able to handle a lot, and even though my faith seems more solid in certain ways, it has really tested everything I have ever felt.  I could go on about how it changes your very self, and even though death is inevitable, it has truly and really made me understand what others have gone through and the hope that awaits us as believers in a God that cares.  And how amazing all our relatives, friends, and church family has been by taking care of us, offering kind words and prayers, big hugs and kisses, food and helping with expenses that were just too overwealming.

My birthday (and my brothers on the same day) fell this year only 2 days after my father's funeral.  That was also a blur, as I realized that day will never be the same for any of us.  I lived at home till I was 25 and was very close to my parents and still was, having spent almost 4 months with them recently.  Birthdays were always such a big thing to me, whether I was 5 and my brothers were 15, 17, and 20, and at least one of them were always around in some way.  Even though the money was always scarce, it wasn't about the money.  My parents always made it as if I was the most important person ever to be born on this earth.  When I grew up, I missed the "little" things like my mother waking me up and always being the first one to give me a card and a gift.  Or my dad, giving me a big chunk of havarti cheese (as we are were both cheese lovers) and wrapping it in 5 different things somehow ending up in a gigantic box.

Simple and loving. That's how Jesus wants us to be at Christmas, because it's his birthday.  He is the reason we go to church (even once a year) and believe what we do.  He is the reason why the bible is real.  His story is not just a fairy tale; it is a real time in history that is much more important than any of our plans for eating, drinking, or spending.  Look to little things and people that you love, instead of focusing on maxing out your credit cards and going into debt because you "have to" buy every single person a gift or they will look down on you.  You can't please everyone all of the time.

This recent trip to see my family was different.  It made me realize just how much I honestly and truly love my family.  Because sometimes you have to be without something to really get how precious it is.  It was a long enough/short trip to reconcile and reunite with some, but to also say goodbye to the greatest father (pa) and friend that a girl could ever have.  I never thought my family life growing up was even close to roses and sunshine, but as you get older you realize no one is perfect; no, not even you.  To really look inside people's hearts, their past, their hurts, their struggles and stories to understand where they came from and why they do the things they do.

I think that our family has become so much closer in the past 2 years, through lots of sadness, emptiness, and shock, but much more through those things otherwise known as faith, love, and hope in an eternal life.  What about all the people that have lost loved ones and are all alone at Christmas?  What are they going to be excited about at Christmas time, when all you see around you is decorations, trees, presents, family dinners, caroling, and love love love love.  And sappy holiday TV specials.  (OK, I do like those.)

I thought about someone that I used to be so jealous of.  I saw few flaws in her for as long as I have known her and she's a modern day Martha Stewart type of working housewife, with a loving hard-working husband, and what I saw as always the perfect house, clothes or life.  I had to realize that I never knew her behind-the- scenes struggles and what it took for them to get to where they are in life.  I never knew that she would also have to experience a deep tragic loss and how I saw such huge faith and hope in her and her husband, that was more of an example to me than anything they own. It was then that I was so proud of her and her family and what it toook for them to achieve their dreams.

I am a simple person with simple dreams, but it doesn't mean that I have to give them up because I have tried too many times and failed.  You just keep going, sometimes because you have no other choice, but through it all you become closer to the people around you that are always there to support and love you.  My pa was a very simple man, that always worked and slaved as a stone mason, even when the weather was bad outside and he was battling his hip problems and other things.  He showed me that when you give everything you have of yourself to others and just try your best, and value your family and friends more than anything, that is what counts.  But then again, it is so hard to put into words everything he taught me and everything that he meant to me.

One Christmas (years ago) when we were all sitting around the table for our meal, all of a sudden my dad happily blurted out of nowhere, "Baby Jesus says, NEVER GIVE UP!"  Then there was silence and laughter. How many times I heard him say that phrase after and how many times my mom and I would encourage him with those words.  I know this Christmas will be hard, but I am going to try to focus on the gift that is Jesus; the reason for my faith and hope.  Here is an exerpt from our church bulletin about Jesus' birth and him being called  Emmanuel (God is with us):

"Faith in Christ doesn't remove any of the pains inherent within the human condition, including the pain of doubting God's existance.  Faith promises no magic pass-cards.

What it does promise is that God will be with us so that we do not have to walk through loneliness, sickness, violence, anxiety, fear, and death alone.  We have a hand to grasp, a love to embrace, a truth to cling to, and a power to sustain us (even through death itself).  We walk in the same world as everyone else, but, like a young child holding on to her mother's hand as she walks into school for the first time, we are not alone; a trusted, sustaining, guiding love walks with us.  God doesn't remove us from what can hurt us, but walks with us amidst it all.

In the present, God often seems absent.  Yet, when we turn around and look back in our lives, when we look back at our story, we more easily see how God has been there all along and how we have walked in a divine presence, protection, guidance, and love that we were oblivious to at the time, but is clear in retrospect.  We see God more clearly in our past than in our present.

This can be helpful in understanding how Christ is present to us, even when we don't always feel like it.  Faith doesn't promise us a  ladder to crawl out of the pains of life, it promises a friend to walk with through those pains.  Mostly though it's only when we look back in our lives that we see that this friend has always been there."

So for me, I will choose to celebrate Jesus, my family and friends that are still living, and the love and hope that comforts me at night.  And to know I will see my dad (and brother) again one day.

GIVE THANKS....GIVE THANKS...

Didn't write about thanksgiving day (although had a good one with my family) as then the rest of the week was not too thanksgiving-ish and I just got too depressed-ish.  Earlier in the week, a cousin in the family lost her unborn baby and then the funeral day was the 2nd anniversary of my oldest brother's passing (see Oct 9th posting.)  One thing happened one after another, because when it rains it pours, like VANCOUVER.  But, I was inspired (as I often am) with my friend Nathan's positive encouragement and always so so so beautifully poetic Facebook status'.  I am thankful of so many things, I really am, so here it goes.

Thankful for a free 13lb turkey from my mom's friend.  It was my first turkey I ever cooked and turned out just awesome; even took a photo of it 'cuz I am such a geek that way.  Fed all 11 of us and then leftovers for most of the week and the best ever huge pot of soup that I made from it.  Sick of it now, but it is food and for that I am grateful.  (Hmmm, wish the pumpkin pie would have lasted that long; wonder who finished it off the moment the last guest left, along with the rest of the tub of cool whip?  Well, at least I was good with my calories all week...)

Thankful for family that drives me crazy sometimes or a lot of the time, but when I was far away and helpless to not be able to get to them when they needed me, that was so much worse.  At least for now I am with family here that has loved me for 32 years.

I am thankful for the awesome heater in my old bedroom and at least a room to myself.  Even though the furnace here does not work at all and needs to somehow be replaced soon and my heater stopped working the other night, I am thankful that it is working again.  And my back is oh so thankful for that.  And found an old sweater and jacket of mine that still fits as I only came prepared for summer really and barely fall.

I am thankful for my mother, even with all her health issues that she's always had to live with and deal with for 32 years.  I teased her a few weeks ago that her swollen eyelid reminded me of a cross between something that someone beat up in a dark alley and Jesus in the Passion of the Christ movie, and she just laughed.  So the other day when she phoned me from the hospital after being in the emergency room(s) for 8 hours and how they gave her nothing for her shooting pain in her head from her bad eyes, she said how she thought of Jesus beaten on the cross and how much of a worse shape he was in.

Yes, I am now thinking of so many funny times that seemed to make the hard times so forgettable and not even worth remembering.

I am thankful for a good buddy of ours that made it possible for me to get out here this time and for all the times I made necessary and urgent trips back and forth from BC to Winnipeg and back to BC again.  In pretty much all those times, I had no idea how I would pay for things, how I would get back, or how I would even pay the rest of the bills for the month.  It was so stressful, but you know, I don't even remember the stress.  I just remember that I made it and lived to tell and it was all worth it.  And for good friends that stick by you through good and bad, because if not, they are not worthy to even be called a friend.

So many times we were on edge and never knew what tommorow would bring, but we made it through it all and now we can encourage and advise others that are going through the same.

From the Message Bible:  James 1^{: 26-27}  "Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

So Nathan, keep up being positive, as it does matter and I am passing it on to every one of you.

Technology, Telemarketers, and Time for Quiet...

I am so much like that cartoon.  Anything remotely connected to technology is so irresistible to me.  That's just the way my brothers and I are and surprisingly my 73 year old mother too.  She had bought herself a cell phone (camera phone) and operated it perfectly, never having used anything like that in her life and never even reading the manual.  I also like to figure out how things work and play with tools.

I am also a night person, so I have trouble shutting everything off and settling down for the evening.  I have to use every force in my body to steer myself to my bed and stay in it.  It's just that my mind is used to going a million miles an hour while my body lags behind.  Recently, I made myself a promise that I would START to turn things off at 9pm and have some quiet time. HA; NO!!!

Plus my house duties here at my parents' house of receptionist/information desk/appointment maker/white and yellow pages/google directory/chef/transportation coordinator/financial advisor/banker/grocery shopper...and I forgot GPS.  When one brother calls, I actually answer it, "Hello, reception?" and when the other brother calls from the road, I look up google or mapquest info for him.  See, my multi-tasking, organizational, and phone duties from my 15 years in the career world does count for something!

And then there are telemarketers, which account for maybe 30% of the 20 calls a day we seem to get here.  Although they are a great anonymous cover so that I don't always have to be nice sweet Maria, they are so frustrating as you all know.  The caller id's could show cell number, unknown, private, or the old 1-800 number at any time of night or day, and no respect for what you are going through in life.  Hello!!!??? I have nothing better to do than answer you during all the other calls from hospital, care home, doctor, eye specialist, arthritis specialist, furnace repair (cuz our heat doesn't work), bank, family, friends.  (The last two I always look forward to though.)

I have it downpat like a fine art.  When they say "Hello, Can I talk to __________ (my parents)?"  I say right away, "No, I am handling the calls; what company are you calling from?"  Sometimes they actually tell me and I can barely understand what they are saying or they could be insistant and won't.  Doesn't stop me whatsoever.  I say, "Sorry, we are not interested, goodbye" and hang up on them (nicely if that is possible).  If they're rude, talk over me, or get snotty as if they are the most important person I will talk to that day, I am extra pleasant and add, "Please don't call here ever again" before I hang up.  It works.

Although I do thrive in these environments in a strange way, yes, you could say I really miss my quiet time.  Quietness is the only way we can really hear God better and ourselves.  If we're always around work, technology, or things every single minute of the day, sooner or later we will stop even noticing the things that are truly important in life.  We will overlook human beings because we are just too busy.  Too busy for ourselves, too busy to help others that need us, and too busy to connect to God, who is in the middle of it all.  It is as if the huge loud noises of life drown out the little still small voices of our God inside us.  There were so many inspirations and ideas and encouragement that came to me when I was quiet and not doing anything at all and not even when I was expecting it.  When I really needed it badly.

I remember one year in the middle of Lent, our computer crashed and I was without it for about a week while it was being fixed.  Oh my gosh, are you kidding?  I just sat in my computer chair wondering what I was going to do next and wandering about the house aimlessly.  That is pretty sad, but I know 99% of you reading this would feel the same way, even if you just use a computer for Facebook?

Really, I just need to take more time to smell the roses.  Or in my case, time away from telemarketers.

IN MEMORY OF MY BROTHER...AND ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS...

Exactly 2 years ago Saturday, my oldest brother passed away.  I will never forget it because I was in my apartment in Winnipeg in the wee hours of the morning (something like 3:30 am there.)  I had been feeling sick in the middle of the night, taken too much advil (and discovered I am allergic to it) and finishing an almost fainting spell and throwing up.  Shortly after, the phone rang.

No call is ever good when it comes at 3:30 in the morning.  All I remember was the silence of the apartment and me standing there staring at the phone while it was ringing.  I knew I didn't want to walk to the phone; I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't pick it up, because then it would mean he was really gone.  It was one of my other brothers on the phone and there was probably only a few words said, like "Flav's gone" and then I just said, "OK" and hung up.

Sometimes there are moments when time freezes and everything around you stands still, as if you were on the outside of it all looking in. And the things you thought were so important in your own little world are a complete nothing, a zero in comparison.

I moved from BC to Winnipeg 2 summers ago and I remember being bummed because Flavio didn't come see me before we left.  No one ever really saw him much just because that was just the way he was.  There was so much of my life that he never knew. Him being 15 years older, I remember him teaching me how to ride a bike, sneaking me out of the house to take me to White Spot, taking me to the Zoo, Stanley Park, and the PNE.  Always wanting to know what I wanted to do with my life, living simply, and the only person in the world that truly didn't care what other people thought or said of him.  He was oh so funny in his quiet and sarcastic way and many say I look like him, even though I was blessed to somehow grow into a somewhat combination of all 3 brothers.

Not even 2 months after I moved away, I got the news that he was very sick.  I don't even remember if it was someone else that told me or if it was him in his very casual usual sort of way.  He never wanted anyone to know a thing and he wanted to protect us all, joking and laughing and talking as if nothing had changed and there was no hospital bed and tubes in the way.  It was just too big though at that point.

I will never forget the next call in only July (a month after I heard he was sick) to basically get out there as quick as I could to see him while he was still alive.  I always had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, even though there are many people that get dignosed with cancer and live quite a long time or even get it several times and live for years.   I remember being so stressed at work and overloaded with no one to train me and a huge project underway.  When that call came, everything else meant nothing; Ie just packed a suitcase and took off.  I didn't know what to expect, but I just knew that God would keep him alive till we got there.  I just knew.

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I thank God I had the chance to see him in the hospital, at least for a short visit, but I wish I would have stayed much longer.  I felt so helpless, not being there after, as it just got harder very quickly for everyone. Looking back, I would have gladly endured job and home loss just to have been at his side more.  But I knew I had to leave eventually, plus I didn't know what to say; this now growup sister and this dying brother. None of us knew how to handle it though and it was hard to be faced with such a time shortage in our "reuniting" with a brother/son/uncle and all the mixed bag of emotions that came with it.  I felt like an outsider and so detached from everyone else as I had such a different (and shorter) history with him and such a big age gap.

I was upset that I never had alone time with him as there were always other people around and I never fought for it as I was too scared and didn't even known what to say.  He was a man of so few words anyhow.  At the same time, I could tell he was so happy that I was there just in the special looks he gave me and the way he would stop and stare at me, regardless of what was going on in the room.  On the last visit, it was so hard to leave because I knew I would never see him again.  How can you put all the love that your heart contains into a few words like, "Bye Flav, see you later..." I don't know how I managed to get on the plane back to Winnipeg and leave him there.

I tried to call him after I got back, but I even knew then that it was just not enough.  I was too scared and didn't know what to say and so I could not bring myself to call.  I wish I had called him everyday, but I cannot go back in time and he would not want me to either.  I had to deal with everything I felt and I know he (and God) understands.  It was a short 2 months later (4 months from when I found out he was sick) that I got the last call on that quiet October morning to say he was gone.  Again, when I flew out for the funeral and left to return to Winnipeg, it was hard to "leave him" behind.

That last trip was different.  I saw something different in our tiny family.  Through the sadness and grief, we all bonded together more than we had ever had need to do.  We had some silly times in the middle of it, that we can't really tell too many people as they would think we are crazy, and it made me love my dysfunctional family even more.  The only other time I felt it was when my nephew was born stillborn; at full term and the first big loss that I had gone through in our family (at least at an adult age.)  I cannnot even begin to imagine what a parent goes through as it must be a million times beyond what my heart has ever felt.  And I see in those parents an incredible strength that is out of this dimension.

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Sometimes when people die, they tend to become idols in our minds like a god.  Maybe it's because we knew them but now they have attained eternal life, which we cannot wrap our minds around.  Maybe it is to honor them because we didn't when they were alive.  Maybe we can't let them go and want to keep them alive and close to us somehow.   Why is it so incredibly hard to part with an item they gave us or an item that belonged to them?  We just don't want them or our memories to fade into nothing, like their earthly bodies.

I have already talked alot in my blogs about my faith, heaven, and all that spiritual stuff, and there are many really good bible passages about resurrection that would make my blog another 8 pages.  My hope in this life is actually the next life.  I still give this life my all, but when it's your time to go, you can't do anything to change it.  Christianity is worth nothing to me if I don't believe I will see Flav, my other relatives, and loved ones.  Then there is also no point to following Jesus, going to church, reading the bible, or praying.

Was debating all week whether I should go to the cemetary (was there for the burial) as I am still out here.  I love the earthly place where his body is as my dear and much loved brother and respect it for that reason, but his soul is not there and it is just not the same.  Maybe next time.  I know that at least I've come along far enough to not feel like I am "leaving him" again and that feels good and freeing.

The songs below were some of the versions of the songs from the funeral as there was no way I wanted it to be a stranger playing slow dark gloomy depressing organ songs (not to knock organs as they have their place), but a beautiful memorial of old meets new, to celebrate his life and the life to come.

I Can Only Imagine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII

I am the Bread of Life (I will Raise him up):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2bQ0Z_F9BY

You are Mine: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMYP4uJAqY&feature=related

ABOUT CRAZY ITALIANS, CATACOMBS, AND FAITH...

Italy is dear to me, not only because it is part of my beautiful family heritage, but because of Rome and  early church history.  I've never had a chance to go, but there have been many people of other countries, faiths, and religions who have gone and absolutely loved it.  I've never heard of anyone going and hating it.  No, it seems to change the way you look at life.

One thing about Italians is that when you are in the family (no matter how far back or how connected), you are one of them forever. That is pretty true of my brother's in-laws, which make up our family since I was in Gr. 7.  With 20 years of knowing them, they're such a part of our lives that it's hard to remember  when they weren't there.  Fun, food, and always loud, which is just happy and normal to us.  Yelling is multi-purpose; could mean you are having fun or you are really mad...

The early Christians didn't have much as far as material things go, plus their best friend and God was taken away from them by a horrible death.  They were left alone, frightened, and confused---at first.  They had to bond together and sold what they had to look after each other so that no one ever went hungry or homeless.  Pentecost came and God's spirit shook the building, the room they were hiding in, and their souls right to the core of their being.  They now had his amazing power to take on the world, preach to anyone in hearing range, heal the sick and cast out demons, and suffer for their beliefs.

Sometimes we get so used to hearing about the Saints and Martyrs that we take it for granted and what we celebrate at church becomes just a ritual, instead of realizing that it is the way, the truth, and the life.  Looking up the catacombs gave me a much greater and deeper appreciation for my faith and backround.  Italians were not Catholic because they were born into it, in their family/culture, or were baptized and go to church twice a year.  If that were the case, it would have meant nothing to them in their daily lives or at the point of their deaths.  It wasn't just about celebrating feast days or something they admired from a distance and then put back on the shelf for next time.

It was worth giving up everything for.

http://www.catacombe.roma.it/en/import.html

The Martyrdom of St. Cyprian

It would have been very useful and edifying to have the reports of the trials of the martyrs Pontianus, Fabian, Cornelius, Sixtus II, Eusebius, Cecilia... Unfortunately, during the tremendous persecution of Diocletian the archives of the Church of Rome were destroyed.
But the reports of St. Cyprian's trial have come down to us. The Acta were read in the Christian communities for the glory of the Martyr in order to strengthen others in the moment of their ordeal. We can therefore assume that the reports of the trial of the other martyrs just cited were written in much the same way.

Carthage, 14th September 258.

" On the morning of September 14 a large crowd gathered at Sesti by order of proconsul Galerius Maximus. And the same proconsul Galerius Maximus bade that Cyprian should be brought to the hearing which he conducted on that same day in the 'Sauciolus Hall'. When bishop Cyprian stood before him, the proconsul said to him:

'Are you Tascius Ciprianus?' Bishop Cyprian answered: ' Yes, I am.

Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: ' Are you the one who has presented himself as the leader of a sacrilegious sect'  Bishop Cyprian answered:  ' I am'.

Galerius Maximus said: ' The most holy emperors bid you to sacrifice'. Bishop Cyprian said: ' I will not do it'.

Proconsul Galerius Maximus said: 'Think it over'.  Bishop Cyprian said: ' Do what you have been ordered to do. In such a just cause there is nothing to think over'.

Galerius Maximus, after conferring with the college of magistrates, with difficulty and unwillingly pronounced this sentence: ' You have long lived sacrilegiously and have gathered many in your criminal sect, and set yourself up as an enemy of the Roman gods and of their religious rites. The pious and most holy Augusti emperors Valerian and Gallienus, and Valerian most noble Caesar, failed to bring you back to the observance of their religious ceremonies.

Therefore, since you have been seen to be the instigator of the worst of crimes, we shall make an example of you before those whom you have associated with yourself in these wicked actions. The respect for the law will be sanctioned by your blood'. Having said this he read out in a loud voice from a tablet the decree: 'I order that Tascius Ciprianus be punished by being beheaded'. Bishop Cyprian said: 'Thanks be to God'.

Following the sentence, the crowd of Christian brethren said: ' We want to be beheaded with him'. At this there was great agitation among the brethren and a large crowd followed him. Thus Cyprian was led into the countryside of Sesti, and there he took off his cloak and hood, knelt on the ground and prostrated himself in prayer to the Lord. He then removed his dalmatic and gave it to the deacons, leaving himself only in his linen garment, and so waited for the executioner.

When the latter arrived, the bishop ordered his own followers to give the executioner twenty-five gold pieces. Meanwhile his brethren held out pieces of cloth and handkerchiefs ( to receive the blood as relics). Then the great Cyprian with his own hands bandaged his eyes, but since he could not tie the corners of the handkerchief, presbyter Julian and subdeacon Julian went to help him.

Thus bishop Cyprian was martyred and his body, because of the curiosity of the pagans, was placed in a place nearby where it was hidden from their indiscreet eyes. It was then carried away at night with lighted flares and torches and accompanied as far as the cemetery of procurator Macrobius Candidianus, which is in the 'Huts' Road near the Baths. A few days later, proconsul Galerius Maximus died.
The holy bishop Cyprian was martyred on September 14th under emperors Valerian and Gallienus, but in the reign of our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom all honour and glory be forever. Amen". (From the Acta Proconsularia,3-6).

The War Within Me...

Sometimes I really struggle with myself.  The self and inner part of me that perhaps no one knows.  The selfish me, the dark me, the horrible hypocrite that I never show to the rest of the world.  We all have our hidden selves.

It is the part of me that only God sees and forgives and loves 24/7 and yet I still hate how very ungodly it makes me.  To confront it and admit it though is very healing and freeing as I want no additional baggage than that which life already throws at me.  Today, in the secret of my heart, I had a chance to go to God with one of my usual struggles.  To paraphrase St. Paul, "the good I really want to do I just don't do at all and the bad I really don't want to do I end up doing anyways."

Sometimes I am such a Paul (on his "good" days), fearless and strong in the face of trouble, remembering what kind of life God saved me from and not caring what anyone thinks or says.  Sometimes I am a Peter, denying that I walk with Christ, the risen Lord and God and my best friend.  Sometimes I am ashamed of myself and don't know why I act in cowardice, fear, or embarrassment.  Sometimes I am a Thomas, doubting what I have already experienced and known for so many years, always needing more proof and for God to directly come down from heaven to answer me every time.

But it is not about me, because I am not perfect, though I wish I was.  It is about the grace and mercy and justice that is freely extended to us as a remedy for our very selves; although no one deserves it at all in our human state and can do nothing to earn it (like air miles.) The enemy of our souls wants us down, defeated, depressed, doomed, dismal, dark...because then we won't even believe that God can want us or love us and we are no good to anyone that needs us. Thank the Lord for what he has said and done already, so that I don't have to wonder about it.

1 John 1:9:  "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And 2 Corinthians 7:10:  "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret."

I was wanting to share about the concert I went to on Sunday (Matt Redman/Casting Crowns), but it was an experience that is best summed up in these songs, even though they all got me choked up.  And I never used to get emotional about anything.  There is something earth shattering about playing or hearing a song live that you simply cannot capture on the radio or youtube, but at least it will give you an idea.  With the first song, Matt Redman shared that he and his wife wrote it after her 4th miscarriage and then at another point, the lead singer of Casting Crowns shared about his struggles with dyslexia and ADHD.

"You Never Let Go":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA&feature=related

"Who am I": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqk53sAxLmg&feature=PlayList&p=89C062EC00D22EA8&index=0

2 Corinthians from the Message Bible:
^5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

 ^7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
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And one of my most favorite songs of all time that I loved doing at mass at St. Joe's, which goes along with the above verses:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYa7cXyKuFY

I HATE THE WORD "RELIGION", HOW ABOUT YOU?

Ha; that got you!  And not for the faint-hearted.

"Oh, there she is writing about "religion" or Jesus again..."  (By the way, I don't bare my soul like this at parties or sporting events, you know.)  Some people get mad when you talk about God or Jesus and want to hear none of it, yet they believe in seeing their loved ones in heaven, or believe in God somewhat, and maybe even go to church regularly.  That makes no sense to me, but I could be in the slow lane?  Do some think they are "religious" but do not know the God that is personally behind the prayers and the sermons?  Well, as I was thinking aloud (as my family knows I always do), I have to admit that in hostile days, I was resistant to lots of "religious" things and remember basically telling God to leave me alone and that I wanted nothing to do with him or church anymore. 

Well, this post is sure different than I meant it originally, but 10/10 for honesty...I totally respect the people that don't even believe at all as they live the way they believe at least and still respect my thoughts and me (because I am their friend first and foremost and just because I am Maria...)  And well, I have edited this posting about a half dozen times.

How do those other people believe in heaven and life after death and God, but have no idea how to get there or if they are even going to join in.  Writing consumes my life, not only because I have been writing since I was 5, but because I believe what I do now determines my eternal destiny, and maybe just maybe one other person to my experiences.  I don't want to party like it's 1999 (just kidding) and do what I want and wait till I get up to the pearly gates expecting to get in.  'Cuz then Jesus  won't even know who I am and no one up there will know me either and what do I do then? 

Not against having fun by no means, I just think about how I live more now and more since having lost several close relatives in the past 2 years. 
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Some days inspire me more than others; like this morning at church with the new priest at St. Joe's (Hispanic).  Looks like just a super nice regular dude and not old (if you know what I mean), as he looks under 40 for sure.  The only thing I know is that he was in the U.S for a while and was a lawyer before becoming a priest.  You would have never guessed it by the way he blew me away with his enthusiasm and love for Jesus, humility and genuineness.  The whole mass and gospel reading became more alive after his sermon and it felt like it was my first mass ever.

I have been having amazing and deep experiences lately at church, especially when I sit after in silence (adoration) in front of Jesus in the host in the side chapel.  Yesterday, it hit me how the King of the whole world is right there in front of me and then right inside me in that little round host.  If I did not believe it and feel it and experience it so, then I am actually a strung out wacko that is worshipping and praying and talking to a little piece of bread.  Is something just true for one person and not another?  How can one sit in church and feel nothing and someone else feel the entire kingdom of heaven come down around the altar?

Sometimes I sit and ask him the deep questions in my heart or bring him my struggles and pains.  Sometimes I hear clear answers when I am truly silent, but always it is communicating with the only one who really understands my heart and knows me. 

My heart was not always open, but God still manages to always get his girl.  It's all about Jesus, whoever you are, and either Christianity is real or it isn't.  Yup, it's hard in certain ways when everything you see is so against it, but at least I can't complain about being thrown to the lions, in jail, shipwrecked, being murdered, or tracked on the run like the show "Mantracker."  In those days, they suffered it all because of their real belief in the person of Jesus.

A while ago when I was surfing the internet, I found some cool info on the early church in the year 50-100 AD (approximate) that I didn't know at all and surprised the heck out of me.  I found actual whole texts of their church services and it was pretty much the mass as we celebrate today from start to finish.  WOW.  It was a whole lot longer surprisingly and had parts where the leader would say something and then the people would say, "Let it be so and Amen."  The wording was olden day language of course, but there was something very beautiful and true about it.
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I will have to post the links on them later as I am at the library and can only open one screen at a time.  Kinda like Christmas to type and sit at a screen that is like an HD TV versus my tiny 7" laptop screen. 

Well, off to the conference tonight and Saturday and spending more days with my mom at home.  She is coming along pretty good (except the eyes still) and I say she is good when they let her out on "parole" and my brother jokes that she is in the "spa".  Free room and board, meals and dessert, bath once a week, and the nicest adjustable bed ever that my dad keeps saying he will have to steal for when she is ready to come home.

Everyday is a good day to be alive.

NIGHTMARES, POPULARITY, AND WORDS...

There are many theories behind dreams, but regardless, I had a crappy one last night!  All I remember was that I was around some people I went to high school with and I was casually walking around to say hi but I started to be short of breath and felt like I was having an asthma attack.  That and a combo of something stuck in my throat.  WELL.  I woke up with my heart racing and feeling a little tight in my chest.  That helpless feeling.  It passed though.  My high school nighmares are very rare now, but got me thinking alot and so now I have content on a hot subject for me  Great.  Oh boy.  How positive, you say...

I have moved on in many ways and forgiven many people, but it just keeps coming up in dreams from time to time.  Way too many years later means that some wounds go deeper than any physical scars.  It's like watching the talk shows of adults that were geeks and ugly ducklings and hey baby, look at me now.  I so feel what they went through, but that doesn't seem like the best way to heal and move on.  You can use facebook (heh) for that to your heart's content.  People change and may not still be the cruel mean people they were in school, so that is hunky dory by me.  If you are reading this and thinking "Maria, just get a life and move on, you looser" then please stop reading this.  It's obviously not for you, even though you may still be one of the ones causing me grief and have issues you need to deal with.  Or, you don't know what hurt feels like, but that is doubtful.

I had a home life I could not share with anyone, no sibling close in age to go to, couldn't buy what would make me look better, and just not the talk of the town.  My small comforts were that I was funny and people liked my stories and poems, and a few friends that saw the real me.  I never understood popularity because how could some people be so boring, "non-pretty", mean, less than smart, hateful, and yet so well-liked.  I would have to say they probably had a confidence that far exceeded mine by about 100%.

Even though I was the geek of the grade in elementary school, complete with glasses and really super bad haircuts from my mother (I mean so so bad with crooked bangs and huge thick colored framed glasses), I was not a real nerd because I never got straight A's or wore pocket protectors or had my pants pulled up to my chest (thank GOD for uniforms.) Well, actually, I had the longest ever ever kilt of the school probably.  It was so long that to roll it up at the waist to make it even at knee level was so not even possible.  Hmmmm; now I am remembering more bad memories; ok let's move on....

I loved creative writing, reading, and art and I remember always getting into trouble for talking and laughing in class, because what I had going on was just so much better and imitating teachers was the best.  I never fit in with the sports people due to my weight and asthma, not with the popular kids due to my clothes and hair and not with the nerds due to my grades.  I felt like I was a freak in my own category, which was very lonely, although my best buddy (still my buddy) didn't seem to fit in anywhere either.  We had nothing but laughs and good times in the middle of it all (after hating each others guts when we were younger) and stuck together pretty good. See, you can have good times in the middle of bad ones.

I think that people don't share enough and/or keep up a good front to never let anyone know they have similar struggles and hurts or that they have overcome them and can help someone else.  And, there are still bullies nowadays in the midst of us that need a good kick in the rear.  No one knows the times we have gone home crying, feeling heavy in the pit of our stomach, not wanting to face one more day where we are, feeling worthless and praying to die?

All because of words.  Words that no one ever said sorry for.  Words that lie buried inside of us.

Words can be a poison and we are all guilty.  There is sarcasm which is the "I am funny but I am telling the truth and getting away with it" as the knife goes in and twists deep into your heart.  The sense of humor that goes way too far, like being racist or offensive, joking and making fun of anothers hair, clothes, appearance, or body.  Or just telling someone they are stupid and useless.  Who made these standards?  Who is better and why?  The unspoken body language of "I can't stand you, but I'm going to smile and hug you because it makes me look good in front of everyone" or "Oh, wow; good for you!" but you could care less that this person is sharing good news or a conquest.  Constant gossip about other people; knowing nothing of the facts, but thinking you are just so much better.

For every kind of beast, and bird, and serpent, and things in the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by mankind:  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.  Bible, James (ch. III, v. 7-8)

By examining the tongue of a patient, physicians find out the diseases of the body, and philosophers the diseases of the mind.  Justin (St. Justin Martyr)

While thou livest, keep a good tongue in thy head.  William Shakespeare

I also had psoriasis since I was born (like very bad dry skin/flaking with redness) on my scalp and later on my elbows.  You can only imagine how fun that was for me growing up. It got pretty bad in high school but I remember my first week of Grade 8 and a girl really loudly telling people that I had lice.  Well, that screwed my chances from Day 1 for a good first impression.  I remember wearing long sleeves in the summer and still for many years since due to my elbows too. With all the tears and years and prayers my mom spent putting treatments on my scalp, special shampoos and lotions, nothing helped whatsoever.  I am happy to say though on that note, that I had a "miraculous" cure about 7 years ago that cannot be explained and my scalp is 100% free of it.

My elbows (and scalp) remind me to not be ashamed of myself, to not judge someone from the outside (myself or others) and to be grateful of things I have been through, instead of angry and bitter.

There is a bible passage that says "all things work together for good for those who love God" and there are many other stories in our world about horrible things that produced good results.  I think that passage was in Phillippians, but I am way too tired to look it up right now and have spent way too much time on today's blog.  This was the hardest to be personal about. Not everyone will be healed of physical things and bad things will still happen, but we all have the capacity to be stronger despite them.  We can forgive others so that the emotional things do not build up in our souls like a cancer, and we can ask God to help us forget and to use our tongues for good and not evil. (And to start with our thoughts.)

For someone that was shy, isolated, depressed, and seemingly untalented, I have come to find a hope, happiness, rich faith, and love despite the many obstacles (even in our married life) that I have had no choice but to overcome.  Like competing with so many people that have had university and schooling, but then again, I have had so many jobs where I taught and trained myself (like computers) and went onto retail stores, offices, call centers, and management.  I've grown in my writing and music and can sing and play comfortably in front of more than a few hundred people.  I still have to struggle constantly with my feelings of failure and comparing myself to others, but it's summed up in these song lyrics:

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"
And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

This other one came to me just now, from the movie behind the song "Amazing Grace":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZfnQxUhzQ

 Listen to the words after the Amazing Grace part...

Some great quotes from some very old people...

I have just been in such a reading and researching mode in terms of my faith and history and so here are some good quotes I found from the early church leaders...

St. Augustine (354 a.d)

Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are wise and very beautiful; but I have never read in either of them: Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden.

I want my friend to miss me as long as I miss him.

If two friends ask you to judge a dispute, don't accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept because you will gain one friend.

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

St. Patrick (385 a.d)

Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.

I am Patrick, a sinner, most uncultivated and least of all the faithful and despised in the eyes of many.

St. Jerome (347 a.d)

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. 

The friendship that can cease has never been real.

Ignorance of the scriptures is ignorance of Christ.

Being over seventy is like being engaged in a war. All our friends are going or gone and we survive amongst the dead and the dying as on a battlefield. 

A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.

St. Francis of Assisi (1182 a.d)

It is not fitting, when one is in God's service, to have a gloomy face or a chilling look.

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

WOULD YOU DO THAT TO JESUS?...

James 2:14-18 - The Message Bible - (Gospel from last week that I wanted to write on.)

 ^14-17Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, "Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?

 ¹⁸I can already hear one of you agreeing by saying, "Sounds good. You take care of the faith department, I'll handle the works department."  Not so fast. You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove.

Goes along with the next passages from Matthew 25:31-46:

 ^31-33"When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left.

 ^34-36"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,  I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,  I was homeless and you gave me a room,  I was shivering and you gave me clothes,  I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.'

^37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'

 ^41-43"Then he will turn to the 'goats,' the ones on his left, and say, 'Get out, worthless goats! You're good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—

I was hungry and you gave me no meal,  I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,  I was homeless and you gave me no bed,  I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,  Sick and in prison, and you never visited.'

⁴⁴"Then those 'goats' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'  ⁴⁵"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to  me.'  ⁴⁶"Then those 'goats' will be herded to their eternal doom, but the 'sheep' to their eternal reward."
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Well, those passages say it all.  I think that loving others has to extend beyond your own walls or your church walls, as neglect of family or friends and only taking care of your inner circle is no gospel to me and definately not Jesus' idea either.  There are people at every turn; those you work with, laugh with, drive with, go to school with, that also need you and in case you don't have any family around anymore too.  I can tell you that it's very lonely being away from family when they need you the most and feeling helpless when you can't get to them and have to rely on other people that are wonderful enough to be with them in your place.

I have been especially thinking about elderly people that can't go out into the sunlight or feel fresh air, walk on their own, dress themselves or even eat or take a bath on their own.  Their whole lives, those they love, and their homes are basically snatched away from them maybe suddenly or not and we take for granted everything we are free to do every day while we are young.  Maybe they have no one to visit or cook or clean for them, visit them or phone them, take care of them or love them.  And everyone in today's society has become non-attentive and rushed with regards to them, because they just don't know what it feels like or just don't care at all.  I see it in some nurses that are truly compassionate and treat them like they are their own family and in others that are mean and treat them like they are a job or stupid non-humans.  Same with frustrating doctors or wonderful ones that treat people they are people.

I am glad to be here with my father who was all by himself at home, and my mother who is almost out of convalescent care .  I see their faces and hear their voices when they see someone they love come to visit or hear a voice on the phone and the pain when they really want to hear from someone and they don't.  I am glad that I chose them over my job, no doubt about it! I only have one mother and father and some people don't even have that. It is hard though as the youngest of the family to see everyone else get old or pass away and not have been able to have the many number of years with them as other people had.

But, I have to count my blessings more often.

Ending with a cool story I found online:

Priest helps with foreclosures...

FAITH (THROUGH THE EYES OF CHILDREN) IS SO SIMPLE...

    Funny Stuff:  A little girl watched her mother slaving all day in preparing for a dinner party.  That night, seated at the large table filled with many guests, her mother asked her to say grace. When the child protested she didn’t know a grace, her mother said sharply, “Well, just say a prayer you have heard me say.”        
After a moment of silence, the little girl said, “Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner tonight?”

Moving along to my day on Saturday; had such a nice day with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews at church and then visiting at their house.  Sometimes you go though life and think that the good things you have been doing have not had any effect, but then you see how kids take everything in; everything you have ever said, done, sang, prayed, played, etc. and it is from them sometimes that you get the greatest encouragement and unconditional love.  It may not be big in the world's eyes, but huge how you impact young minds and souls.

I remember when they were younger, going to their rooms to tuck them in and say their goodnight prayers with them alongside the little prayer altars they had handcrafted themselves, sometimes even with photos of people they wanted to pray for.  They were cute little humble creations that you could tell a 7 year old made; but at the same time the greatest most inspiring things that you ever did see.

I remember my other (youngest) nephew's keen sense of God and how when my sister-in-law and I would be doing this detailed morning prayer, he was only about a year and a half.  How could he tell, playing loudly in the corner with his toys, when we would barely get to the end (this certain phrase) and he would pop up between us to fold his hands and say "amen!"

Anyhow, today we were all trying to pay so much attention at church to the sermon because my one nephew had to write about it in a special homework/journal in preparation for his confirmation next year.  It was kinda technical, but because of all the readings, the main point of it was to let our lives imitate Jesus' example in different ways.  He suffered for doing good (not evil) and sometimes life and people may be very unkind to us also because of the way we live as Christians.  He did not come to be served and show himself as the greatest of all but he served others and put himself last; showing us the example of love and sacrifice (ultimately his suffering and death.)

Even though I didn't get a chance tonight with the kids in this regard, I love how whenever there is religion homework, I am the first person that they think of and want to help them with it.  I think how at least that is one thing that I have going for me?  My niece also had to write a 500 word essay for high school on the topic of "proof for God's existance" and it made me think about things like human beings, flowers and nature around us, everyone an original, everday occurances or miracles that cannot be explained, etc, but a huge part is really if we even believe in our own hearts if there is a God or not.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb.11:1).

Thought about my own faith and how it did actually matter in so many areas of my own life.  Thought about the tidbits of things that kids say that reassure you that they actually hear and learn about God in a world that is so against it.  How nice it was to show my 12 year old nephew my blog and chat with him on the ride home about Christian music and in a small way for him (and the others) to know and understand what I am about more than most grownups.  He showed me a song on his mp3 as it caught his attention because the guy was singing about God and he had never paid attention to the words until now.  He listened and sang along to some of my music (ah, my true godson).

Pretty much everyone sings or talks or watches stuff about gangs, murder, sex, drugs, violence, and so many other things that are not even worth or able to be mentioned here and then people wonder why the world just keeps on getting more and more messed up.

Yes, there are so many influences and yes, I so wish they could be those same little kids forever, but there is still goodness and other virtues that see in them that I don't see whatsoever in many other kids their own ages.  Proud too of my niece and what I see in her that is like a jewel in a world where 15 year old girls are so spoiled and want to be little versions of Brittany or even worse; cuz I guess that is so "yesterday" now?   Too many bad things around that they could look up to, I cherish the good ones that guide their lives.

It is not because of empty words or traditions, but a living example of what is real to me.  My younger nephew put it best when he was paying attention to his older brother preparing for his first communion a few years ago.  The kids had all come with us to church when I was doing the music one Sunday and there must have been something special on as I remember big loaves of french bread left on the table in the entrance for people to take.  I never thought about it until I was explaining to him (then 4?) about communion and how it helps us grow closer to God and love others etc, and he said "OH, I KNOW; IT'S CALLED THE BE GOOD BREAD!!!  YOU KNOW, LIKE THE STUFF ON THE TABLE..."

I found one of my favorite prayers from years ago online:

A prayer for service

 
Teach us, good Lord, to serve you as you deserve, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to labour and not to seek for rest, to toil and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do your will, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Being Christian is sure not gonna get you a lot?

Not gonna make you rich, famous, popular, successful, beautiful, or even well liked at all.  (Like the people that only knew me as a girl that went to church every Sunday---they called me a bible-thumper and thought I was a wierdo and that was in my stage when I never even talked about God or anything religious whatsoever.  I thought that was wierd as I was trying pretty much everything to get rid of that stigma back then.)

I think I got it rough just 'cuz some people judge me and hate me for nothing and think I am wierd.  They did that when I was definately not living like a Christian and so I had nothing to loose when I decided to stop running and renew my life again as a Christian. Can't try to please everyone and give up your own soul. 

I found some stuff in my old room and a journal from 1999.  Don't know what made me write this, but I had made some notes (and added new ones) about John the Baptist and his job description:

-Live in the dessert with no tap water so having to suck out water daily from rocks and dirt?
-Wear funny clothes like rough scratchy animal hides with animal parts or tails for his belt
-Preach by himself with no assistant and known for screaming aloud at everyone to repent of their sins and not change topics every week
-Eat locusts (insects?) and wild honey (does that mean he had to make his own and how?) and know that that was it and no burgers or ice cream or anything good at all
-Basically tell people off that needed it, especially the evil King Herod, go to prison and loose his head
-Have zero and I mean zero friends and probably never took a bath (why bother out there), so very stinky

Well now.

John the Baptist never counted the cost or looked back it seemed; he saved souls; snatched up those who were tired (like me) of living life on their own, unhappy, frustrated, depressed, suicidal, empty, searching, wanting more to life, or even the ones that had it all, owned the world, needed nothing or no one and definately not God, fine with all their wealth, popularity and fame...

But then they heard him....Every walk of life, age, race, gender, status; it did not matter to him and it did not matter to God.  Even years after his death, I bet he met so many people in heaven that were there because of his unwavering faith despite hunger, thirst, isolation, tiredness, mockery, murder.  They came to know the Jesus that all his work was for and the God that sent him there and planned it all thousands of years in advance.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18---

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Mean people, Our Father, and Mother Teresa...

Why are some people a lot nicer and kinder when they are sick or vulnerable?

Why are some people a lot nicer and kinder when they are in the middle of trouble or poverty; everything is stripped away and they are vulnerable.  They have to give up at least a bit of the control and pride they so tightly cling to. "I don't need anyone" or "Don't tell me what to do."

Why does it take near death or other things to change people?

Why do some people forget all the things they had experienced which brought them to be the beautiful people they had blossomed into and go back to their old self?

Pride, selfishness and control are no way to live as don't we have to "take out the log in our own eye before we can see to help someone take out the speck of dirt in their eye?"  I often think that it is easy to blame others for all our problems without taking a long hard look at ourselves and how we are acting.
 
In the Our Father we ask God to "forgive us our sins just like we forgive those who sin against us."  Actually that could be pretty scary.  How can I just snap my fingers and expect God to forgive me when I can't even forgive someone else for what they have done to me?  Sitting in church and saying the prayer how many trillion times, my mind wanders and I go over the hurts and the wrongs instead.  It is harder said than done, especially if the people in question are there also.

But, God is only a prayer away.  Not far away in the clouds and not just a good idea in a dusty old book.  I had a cute image when I was young in seeing God as a nice old man with a long beard sitting up in a tree.  Yes, it sounds funny, but with my childlike faith for some reason I could totally see him and talk to him.  I am trying to get that simplicity back.

Here are some good Mother Teresa quotes:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.

I am a little  pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. 

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We need silence to be able to touch souls.

No point if there is no eternal life...

My facebook notes pay tribute to a great man, Alex Pollock.  It dawned on me why the funeral was so beautiful...

-You knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, this man lived his faith with every fibre of his being.  Faith, hope, and love just filled this man so completely that you could not be around him and get nothing.  He had a song and dance always ready instead of just a hello and his being at church daily not only filled him with Jesus, but inspired him to go out and help others by what he said or did.  I remember how fond our youth group was of him and May, his wife, and even with all of us grown up now.

-The priest explained as he went along what he was doing and why, like sprinkling water as a symbol of him being baptized into God's family and rebirth as new life in Jesus and incense to symbolize our prayers as a family rising up to God. (Made me think of the old testament in a different light.) You could tell Alex's life really moved him also by the way he spoke as his life summed up everything we know to be true.

-He had told his family not to wear black at his funeral as he wanted it to be a celebration.  You could tell he passed on the values of faith and love to his children, grandchildren, church people and how many other hundreds?  That's what it's all about.  And a beautiful eulogy from his son which made you think about it even more, instead of a big list of what they did to make themselves important.

-People should use their talents to thank God and help others, like the phrase "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."  The guy that sang and played (and his wife) is also a wonderful shining example of Jesus that inspires others (and would hate to know I am mentioning them).  He sings and plays with his heart, because you can tell his faith is the core of who he is and not just a show.  Otherwise it is just lots of good words and empty notes.

These pretty much sum it up for me:

1 Cor 15: 14-15 --- "If Christ has not been raised from the dead, our preaching is useless and so is your faith.  More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead.

Isiah 25:8 --- "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER...

I don't even know where that quote comes from but it seems so true.  I used to say it in high school (but never said it like I believed it) trying to convince myself that I would survive, along with my motto "black is my soul"...High school was my own hell but that is another blog.  Thank God I made it is all I can say...

When the storms of life happen, you think I can't make it through, I just can't do it, my life is over.  Somehow long after it is done and gone you look back and say wow I made it through that one.  And sometimes like I do, you laugh yourself silly thinking about how very insanely bad it was and did that really happen? And it seems life contains a trillion billion of those storms.  You think your problem is unique and no one understands what you're going through, but somewhere, somehow, in some part of the world at some moment in history, it happened (or something worse) to someone else who thought the same very thing.

"No man is an island" (another good quote.)

Well, I don't know about you but I tend to view others wrongly sometimes and think they have it all together and they never have to go through problems such as A, B, or C like I do.  Then I find out about their life and think that I sure wouldn't want to go through what they do and I guess I'll take my problems over theirs.  At least I have come to know the same problems well and nothing surprises me anymore.  Kinda like my area of expertise because others say wow, how do you deal with that one? and I say oh I'll write a book.

Really, I have yet to meet anyone who has it all together.  No one has a perfect life, body, family, kids, job, home.  Oh, we wish we could no matter what the cost, but sad to say it doesn't exist and we envy in others what they have attained that we want so badly.  But their journey is not meant for us and we have blessings and strengths to count as our own.

Either way, you never know that what you overcame and lived to tell about can help or encourage another who is going through something similar and feels they don't have the strength to survive.  It could be something small like a phone call, online chat, facebook post or email and you may never even know the good that comes from your pain until years later.

From Psalm 40:  "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymm of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

And for all the times that I felt so alone, bare, isolated, homeless, jobless, sad, lost, full of things that rob my life of the joy and no answer in sight, from Psalm 42:  "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

In that Psalm, David writes the same phrase 3 times.  I think he was really trying to remind himself in whatever he was going through to not give up and pouring out his guts to the God he followed his whole life.  Kinda like I did when I was in high school.  See, thousands of years later he is still inspiring others.

So don't give up and you can too.

Happy if you do good and get nothing but bad back? HUH?

Busy today with appointments, so here is a really cool translation of today's gospel (Luke 6:20 etc.)  I added many verses after as it all looked good and I never heard it like this ever.  ***This is from "The Message" Bible***

"You're blessed when you've lost it all. God's kingdom is there for the finding. You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry. Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.  You're blessed when the tears flow freely.  Joy comes with the morning.

Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—skip like a lamb, if you like!—for even though they don't like it, I do, and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this.

Give Away Your Life

But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made. What you have is all you'll ever get.  And it's trouble ahead if you're satisfied with yourself. Your self will not satisfy you for long.  And it's trouble ahead if you think life's all fun and games.  There's suffering to be met, and you're going to meet it.  There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests—look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! Your task is to be true, not popular.

To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.

He quoted a proverb: "'Can a blind man guide a blind man?' Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn't lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Work the Words into Your Life

You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.

Why are you so polite with me, always saying 'Yes, sir,' and 'That's right, sir,' but never doing a thing I tell you? These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on.

If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards.

It was a total loss."

Mary, Jesus, And a Long List of Other Dudes...

Early Christians celebrated today as the birthday of Mary, the Mother of God, as early as the 5th century and even in Islam's holy book, the Koran, Mary's (Maryam's) story is in 2 chapters.  Allah, through an angel, declares Maryam "pure" and "exalted above all women," chosen to bear the prophet Jesus. She conceives simply by Allah's decree.  Woah.  Talk about learning something every day.

Some think Catholics worship Mary and statues and that they will get to heaven by good works and their outward religious practices.  I agree there are Christians of any kind that can be rather extreme in certain ways, but I think there are misunderstandings on both sides.  Having been away from the Catholic church for almost a year and then being part of a Pentecostal church for about 4 months, my perspectives on both have really changed; in good ways.  But that is a whole other blog. I always believed that Jesus = salvation and it was only his death that saves us and ignorance of the bible is ignorance of Christ.  I was fortunate growing up, but also questioned everything I heard or read.

Mary has always been more than special to me for many reasons.  I was born premature at 7 months (3 lbs 5 ounces) and not thought to make it so a priest (now monseigneur) baptized me 2 days after I was born.  He actually named me before my parents even knew about it. Maria in honor of Mary's feast on that day, Dec 8, The Immaculate Conception. (Jesus divinely conceived in her womb through the holy spirit of God.)  Well, I always thought what an honor that was.

She would have had to be far from just another ordinary good woman to undertake this more than huge life commitment and say OK to some angel that appeared one day when she was praying and saying she wanted to do God's will, whatever it took.  She had to take care of Jesus who grew up to change the course of history and religion and life as everyone saw it.  Not just another mother; a little more high class I would say.  A class all her own.  She had a big part in the story of salvation as it unfolded before her eyes.

Some people celebrate birthdays a little too much; like Hollywood.  They are normal people who happen to have certain talents that happen to make them lots of money doing what they love and are good at. That's all.  Sometimes they are so worshipped and then yeah, we find out they got arrested, murdered someone, stole money, or lord knows what.  Their glory is then pretty much gone.

I can't find anything to tarnish Mary's image, unlike the historical descendants of Jesus, who were murderers, adulturers, liars, idol worshippers, but who God used for history just the same.  The 2nd reading used to always be so dry to me.  I mean you know the one, the geneology of Jesus where so and so was the father of so and so and so and so was the father of so and so...So much real history to be able to trace this Jesus way back to Abraham who was born 2100 B.C? and then this little couple named Mary and Joseph.  These names are so famous that we don't even need to use their last names when we talk about them.

That can surely not be said of me, and just barely of others like Elvis or Sting. (HAHA.)  Plus Mary is in the bible alot and I am not.

PRAY FOR MY MOM'S EYES...

Ma went back to the recovery/hospital tonight (really because of her eyes) and it is too quiet here already (although I do like watching animal planet and the sham wow info-mercials with my Pa; oh and the one for the vibrating dr. ho belt that instantly shreds your body fat by shocking and electricuting it away.)

Just pray for her eyes.  They have been so red and sore for over a month; first one eye which got better than worse and now both eyes are bad.  Been to specialists and on eye drops and different anti-biotics and nothing really helping and apparantly is not an eye infection? but no one can figure it out they say...Glad we are going to see her regular nice doctor outside in the real world on Wednesday as the only doctor available at the hospital to them comes late in the evening and seems to run in and out and not bother to keep track of how anyone is doing really.  She had to pretty much beg him to give her something for her cough, sore throat and ears that were paining her for over a month.

Gotta hand it to her though.  She is so peaceful and just happy to be better and sleeping one night at home and walking pretty good despite barely being able to keep her eyes open. WOW.  My dad and I were saying that it was amazing and that if it was anyone else (us!) we sure would not be that calm and strong.  I would be irritated beyond belief as I had eye allergies before and so not fun.

Patience, prayer, and peace seem to be what is shining from her now since she has been in the hospital.  That is what I always learnt from her example growing up and only really got it recently. 

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Good words that I remember without even having to google them now.

Tired today but still to write is in my blood...

Nice day with my ma as she is home for today and tommorow as we say on good behaviour out on parole.  Amazed at how fast she is walking now as she ran to the communion line without any assistance at all and left her walker at the hospital.  Would be home already except for her eyes which are now still both so very red, despite every type of exam, drops, antibiotic.  She says well, she is still there for a reason that she does not know of as we both agree in the bad things happen but good can come out of it theory.

She definately has her spunk back as I was cooking dinner and she was telling me what pan to use, how high to not put the stove and a million other things....I told my dad, you know me and you are having fun and all together, but I miss ma when I had not gone to visit her in two days and sometimes it is boring here.  Plus, the convalescence care place has not really any sunlight or fresh air coming in; kinda resembling the bat cave, but with lots of old people in beds.  We laugh because for a 73 year old she has pretty much all of her natural black hair and still looks young, with people thinking I am the granddaughter cuz all the other daughters are like 50...

Was so hard to have both my parents very sick and hard to be so far away from them and the rest of my family.  Normally, I am fine being all the way in Manitoba and them in BC, but it is those times when you know you need them and they need you just as bad.  Nothing like wrapping your arms around them and kissing them and seeing their faces when you show up unexpected for a visit.  But, whenever we were all in need, there was always some way or some good samaritan who made it possible for me to get out there, like now.  People who are always able to take a lot of trips and holidays take that one for granted.

Thank God for little and big blessings.  Thank God for parents while we can still love and care for them just like they loved and cared for us and still do.  I am remembering that as I put all these eye meds in her eye and we joke about me putting the nasal spray and it squirting up her nose.  Teaching her to inhale is just funny on its own.  But, I say, well it's payback for all the things you had to give me when I was little....

GOT SOMETHIN' EVEN WHEN I THINK I GOT NOTHIN'...

Well, just not feeling so jazzed up in the afternoon, but wanted to write anyhow and then felt better as I focused on a good part of my day. Plus, my followers would be oh so disapointed to miss a day of my oh so interesting life.

Had a good morning at church again and amazed at how many people are still welcoming me back so warmly as most of this bunch had not seen me in 5 years.  It was just so nice as these people are really people that I don't keep in contact with, are much older or retired, and not people on the visiting list even.  It made me think how important church community and fellowship is.  Forgetting that it was my home for 11 years and everyone asking how my dad and mom are since they were both very sick and in and out of hospital.  Word sure spreads fast.

Some think God is everywhere, so why bother with other people that you don't even want to love or strangers?  Well from my experience, it is impossible to go through life in any way isolated or totally on your own.  I mean, there are many clubs and organizations and even co-worker groups that you can be part of.  Half of me is a hermit that loves solitude and shy; but half of me is a girl that just wants to have fun and be around others...yeah, I know...

People in groups just have a special bond like family, and care and concern for others (or at least you really hope they do) and the same values generally or interests. When one is in trouble or missing, boy do they notice.  In the case of being a church regular, they pray for you and your needs, they care and show love by helping with errands, rides, finding help, fixing things, referring to doctors they like or other professionals, check on you when you are not there, give special gifts when you don't even know that they know your birthday, help when you are just doing all you possibly can but need financial aid due to sickness or job loss or loss of a loved one, bring you fresh fruit from their gardens or goodies...

But above all, the inspire you with their faith in good times and bad. They are precious examples, like family, of how one person makes all the difference in the world when you think that no one cares and would miss you if you were gone.

When my oldest brother died, so many people that had never even met him were at the funeral and prayers.  I remember that day doing the music and just feeling the strength of the prayers and love of the sea of faces I looked into.  They were not anonymous or there because they had to be, they were family, extended family, good friends, past friends and they were all there to support us in our darkest hour.  That meant more than I think they will ever know, even looking back almost 2 years later.

The most important thing being not the material things of course, as love is always shown by actions because faith without love and care is truly dead to me.  Being there among other similar believers, we may not always agree on the little details or have the same outside interests, but we all love Jesus and want to build up his church.  Those are the greatest values of all time.

That is why I go to church.

LESSON ON FISHING AND WORK FROM ONE WHO NEVER FISHED OR WORKED....

Luke 5: 1-11 ----
While the crowd was pressing in on Jesus and listening to the word of God,
he was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret. He saw two boats there alongside the lake; the fishermen had disembarked and were washing their nets. Getting into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon,he asked him to put out a short distance from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.

After he had finished speaking, he said to Simon,“Put out into deep water and lower your nets for a catch.” Simon said in reply,“Master, we have worked hard all night and have caught nothing, but at your command I will lower the nets.” When they had done this, they caught a great number of fish
and their nets were tearing. They signaled to their partners in the other boat
to come to help them and they filled both boats so that the boats were in danger of sinking.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” For astonishment at the catch of fish they had made seized him and all those with him, and likewise James and John, the sons of Zebedee, who were partners of Simon.

Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” When they brought their boats to the shore,they left everything and followed him.


1.  I wish I could have brought Jesus to work with me when I was most tired and stressed and at one word, my mountain of paperwork, applications and invoices would get done pretty darn fast!!  But next time, I will try it with God's help and see how fast and easy it goes.

2.  Peter thought, "Look, I know they all think you are a holy prophet and you seem good and all but dude, I don't know where you came from and you look like no fisherman, that is for sure.  You come from carpenter country, so what do you know about my life and struggles?  Not to be rude but I have been doing this since I could walk and I had no sleep last night, no coffee and kinda cranky, me and my buddies here have been trying all night and not even a sardine to show for it.  All our equipment is put away and seriously we just want to go home and get an egg mcmuffin 'cuz we are starving....

But...OK, fine if you say so, I will try it again.

3.  BAMM!!! Fish galore to fill 2 whole boats, which not only could they feed their families for a really long time, but stock up everyone's freezers, and have even enough to sell at every market they could hit up.  Go big or go home would look good on a big billboard ad for Jesus, alongside a snapshot of the 3 grinning fisherman holding up their nets saying, "See Mom!"

4.  Large crowd plus Peter and his buddies to witness.

5.  That was enough for Peter.  I would fall to my knees in shock too if I was in that crowd.  At the feet of the God-man to lay bare his soul and say he is not worthy enough and not what Jesus is looking for; look how I have doubted you.  Jesus said well, it is not about that, not about your power, just follow me and work for souls and forget the rest.

So he did.