The War Within Me...

Sometimes I really struggle with myself.  The self and inner part of me that perhaps no one knows.  The selfish me, the dark me, the horrible hypocrite that I never show to the rest of the world.  We all have our hidden selves.

It is the part of me that only God sees and forgives and loves 24/7 and yet I still hate how very ungodly it makes me.  To confront it and admit it though is very healing and freeing as I want no additional baggage than that which life already throws at me.  Today, in the secret of my heart, I had a chance to go to God with one of my usual struggles.  To paraphrase St. Paul, "the good I really want to do I just don't do at all and the bad I really don't want to do I end up doing anyways."

Sometimes I am such a Paul (on his "good" days), fearless and strong in the face of trouble, remembering what kind of life God saved me from and not caring what anyone thinks or says.  Sometimes I am a Peter, denying that I walk with Christ, the risen Lord and God and my best friend.  Sometimes I am ashamed of myself and don't know why I act in cowardice, fear, or embarrassment.  Sometimes I am a Thomas, doubting what I have already experienced and known for so many years, always needing more proof and for God to directly come down from heaven to answer me every time.

But it is not about me, because I am not perfect, though I wish I was.  It is about the grace and mercy and justice that is freely extended to us as a remedy for our very selves; although no one deserves it at all in our human state and can do nothing to earn it (like air miles.) The enemy of our souls wants us down, defeated, depressed, doomed, dismal, dark...because then we won't even believe that God can want us or love us and we are no good to anyone that needs us. Thank the Lord for what he has said and done already, so that I don't have to wonder about it.

1 John 1:9:  "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And 2 Corinthians 7:10:  "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret."

I was wanting to share about the concert I went to on Sunday (Matt Redman/Casting Crowns), but it was an experience that is best summed up in these songs, even though they all got me choked up.  And I never used to get emotional about anything.  There is something earth shattering about playing or hearing a song live that you simply cannot capture on the radio or youtube, but at least it will give you an idea.  With the first song, Matt Redman shared that he and his wife wrote it after her 4th miscarriage and then at another point, the lead singer of Casting Crowns shared about his struggles with dyslexia and ADHD.

"You Never Let Go":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA&feature=related

"Who am I": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dqk53sAxLmg&feature=PlayList&p=89C062EC00D22EA8&index=0

2 Corinthians from the Message Bible:
^5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

 ^7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
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And one of my most favorite songs of all time that I loved doing at mass at St. Joe's, which goes along with the above verses:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYa7cXyKuFY

I HATE THE WORD "RELIGION", HOW ABOUT YOU?

Ha; that got you!  And not for the faint-hearted.

"Oh, there she is writing about "religion" or Jesus again..."  (By the way, I don't bare my soul like this at parties or sporting events, you know.)  Some people get mad when you talk about God or Jesus and want to hear none of it, yet they believe in seeing their loved ones in heaven, or believe in God somewhat, and maybe even go to church regularly.  That makes no sense to me, but I could be in the slow lane?  Do some think they are "religious" but do not know the God that is personally behind the prayers and the sermons?  Well, as I was thinking aloud (as my family knows I always do), I have to admit that in hostile days, I was resistant to lots of "religious" things and remember basically telling God to leave me alone and that I wanted nothing to do with him or church anymore. 

Well, this post is sure different than I meant it originally, but 10/10 for honesty...I totally respect the people that don't even believe at all as they live the way they believe at least and still respect my thoughts and me (because I am their friend first and foremost and just because I am Maria...)  And well, I have edited this posting about a half dozen times.

How do those other people believe in heaven and life after death and God, but have no idea how to get there or if they are even going to join in.  Writing consumes my life, not only because I have been writing since I was 5, but because I believe what I do now determines my eternal destiny, and maybe just maybe one other person to my experiences.  I don't want to party like it's 1999 (just kidding) and do what I want and wait till I get up to the pearly gates expecting to get in.  'Cuz then Jesus  won't even know who I am and no one up there will know me either and what do I do then? 

Not against having fun by no means, I just think about how I live more now and more since having lost several close relatives in the past 2 years. 
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Some days inspire me more than others; like this morning at church with the new priest at St. Joe's (Hispanic).  Looks like just a super nice regular dude and not old (if you know what I mean), as he looks under 40 for sure.  The only thing I know is that he was in the U.S for a while and was a lawyer before becoming a priest.  You would have never guessed it by the way he blew me away with his enthusiasm and love for Jesus, humility and genuineness.  The whole mass and gospel reading became more alive after his sermon and it felt like it was my first mass ever.

I have been having amazing and deep experiences lately at church, especially when I sit after in silence (adoration) in front of Jesus in the host in the side chapel.  Yesterday, it hit me how the King of the whole world is right there in front of me and then right inside me in that little round host.  If I did not believe it and feel it and experience it so, then I am actually a strung out wacko that is worshipping and praying and talking to a little piece of bread.  Is something just true for one person and not another?  How can one sit in church and feel nothing and someone else feel the entire kingdom of heaven come down around the altar?

Sometimes I sit and ask him the deep questions in my heart or bring him my struggles and pains.  Sometimes I hear clear answers when I am truly silent, but always it is communicating with the only one who really understands my heart and knows me. 

My heart was not always open, but God still manages to always get his girl.  It's all about Jesus, whoever you are, and either Christianity is real or it isn't.  Yup, it's hard in certain ways when everything you see is so against it, but at least I can't complain about being thrown to the lions, in jail, shipwrecked, being murdered, or tracked on the run like the show "Mantracker."  In those days, they suffered it all because of their real belief in the person of Jesus.

A while ago when I was surfing the internet, I found some cool info on the early church in the year 50-100 AD (approximate) that I didn't know at all and surprised the heck out of me.  I found actual whole texts of their church services and it was pretty much the mass as we celebrate today from start to finish.  WOW.  It was a whole lot longer surprisingly and had parts where the leader would say something and then the people would say, "Let it be so and Amen."  The wording was olden day language of course, but there was something very beautiful and true about it.
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I will have to post the links on them later as I am at the library and can only open one screen at a time.  Kinda like Christmas to type and sit at a screen that is like an HD TV versus my tiny 7" laptop screen. 

Well, off to the conference tonight and Saturday and spending more days with my mom at home.  She is coming along pretty good (except the eyes still) and I say she is good when they let her out on "parole" and my brother jokes that she is in the "spa".  Free room and board, meals and dessert, bath once a week, and the nicest adjustable bed ever that my dad keeps saying he will have to steal for when she is ready to come home.

Everyday is a good day to be alive.

NIGHTMARES, POPULARITY, AND WORDS...

There are many theories behind dreams, but regardless, I had a crappy one last night!  All I remember was that I was around some people I went to high school with and I was casually walking around to say hi but I started to be short of breath and felt like I was having an asthma attack.  That and a combo of something stuck in my throat.  WELL.  I woke up with my heart racing and feeling a little tight in my chest.  That helpless feeling.  It passed though.  My high school nighmares are very rare now, but got me thinking alot and so now I have content on a hot subject for me  Great.  Oh boy.  How positive, you say...

I have moved on in many ways and forgiven many people, but it just keeps coming up in dreams from time to time.  Way too many years later means that some wounds go deeper than any physical scars.  It's like watching the talk shows of adults that were geeks and ugly ducklings and hey baby, look at me now.  I so feel what they went through, but that doesn't seem like the best way to heal and move on.  You can use facebook (heh) for that to your heart's content.  People change and may not still be the cruel mean people they were in school, so that is hunky dory by me.  If you are reading this and thinking "Maria, just get a life and move on, you looser" then please stop reading this.  It's obviously not for you, even though you may still be one of the ones causing me grief and have issues you need to deal with.  Or, you don't know what hurt feels like, but that is doubtful.

I had a home life I could not share with anyone, no sibling close in age to go to, couldn't buy what would make me look better, and just not the talk of the town.  My small comforts were that I was funny and people liked my stories and poems, and a few friends that saw the real me.  I never understood popularity because how could some people be so boring, "non-pretty", mean, less than smart, hateful, and yet so well-liked.  I would have to say they probably had a confidence that far exceeded mine by about 100%.

Even though I was the geek of the grade in elementary school, complete with glasses and really super bad haircuts from my mother (I mean so so bad with crooked bangs and huge thick colored framed glasses), I was not a real nerd because I never got straight A's or wore pocket protectors or had my pants pulled up to my chest (thank GOD for uniforms.) Well, actually, I had the longest ever ever kilt of the school probably.  It was so long that to roll it up at the waist to make it even at knee level was so not even possible.  Hmmmm; now I am remembering more bad memories; ok let's move on....

I loved creative writing, reading, and art and I remember always getting into trouble for talking and laughing in class, because what I had going on was just so much better and imitating teachers was the best.  I never fit in with the sports people due to my weight and asthma, not with the popular kids due to my clothes and hair and not with the nerds due to my grades.  I felt like I was a freak in my own category, which was very lonely, although my best buddy (still my buddy) didn't seem to fit in anywhere either.  We had nothing but laughs and good times in the middle of it all (after hating each others guts when we were younger) and stuck together pretty good. See, you can have good times in the middle of bad ones.

I think that people don't share enough and/or keep up a good front to never let anyone know they have similar struggles and hurts or that they have overcome them and can help someone else.  And, there are still bullies nowadays in the midst of us that need a good kick in the rear.  No one knows the times we have gone home crying, feeling heavy in the pit of our stomach, not wanting to face one more day where we are, feeling worthless and praying to die?

All because of words.  Words that no one ever said sorry for.  Words that lie buried inside of us.

Words can be a poison and we are all guilty.  There is sarcasm which is the "I am funny but I am telling the truth and getting away with it" as the knife goes in and twists deep into your heart.  The sense of humor that goes way too far, like being racist or offensive, joking and making fun of anothers hair, clothes, appearance, or body.  Or just telling someone they are stupid and useless.  Who made these standards?  Who is better and why?  The unspoken body language of "I can't stand you, but I'm going to smile and hug you because it makes me look good in front of everyone" or "Oh, wow; good for you!" but you could care less that this person is sharing good news or a conquest.  Constant gossip about other people; knowing nothing of the facts, but thinking you are just so much better.

For every kind of beast, and bird, and serpent, and things in the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by mankind:  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.  Bible, James (ch. III, v. 7-8)

By examining the tongue of a patient, physicians find out the diseases of the body, and philosophers the diseases of the mind.  Justin (St. Justin Martyr)

While thou livest, keep a good tongue in thy head.  William Shakespeare

I also had psoriasis since I was born (like very bad dry skin/flaking with redness) on my scalp and later on my elbows.  You can only imagine how fun that was for me growing up. It got pretty bad in high school but I remember my first week of Grade 8 and a girl really loudly telling people that I had lice.  Well, that screwed my chances from Day 1 for a good first impression.  I remember wearing long sleeves in the summer and still for many years since due to my elbows too. With all the tears and years and prayers my mom spent putting treatments on my scalp, special shampoos and lotions, nothing helped whatsoever.  I am happy to say though on that note, that I had a "miraculous" cure about 7 years ago that cannot be explained and my scalp is 100% free of it.

My elbows (and scalp) remind me to not be ashamed of myself, to not judge someone from the outside (myself or others) and to be grateful of things I have been through, instead of angry and bitter.

There is a bible passage that says "all things work together for good for those who love God" and there are many other stories in our world about horrible things that produced good results.  I think that passage was in Phillippians, but I am way too tired to look it up right now and have spent way too much time on today's blog.  This was the hardest to be personal about. Not everyone will be healed of physical things and bad things will still happen, but we all have the capacity to be stronger despite them.  We can forgive others so that the emotional things do not build up in our souls like a cancer, and we can ask God to help us forget and to use our tongues for good and not evil. (And to start with our thoughts.)

For someone that was shy, isolated, depressed, and seemingly untalented, I have come to find a hope, happiness, rich faith, and love despite the many obstacles (even in our married life) that I have had no choice but to overcome.  Like competing with so many people that have had university and schooling, but then again, I have had so many jobs where I taught and trained myself (like computers) and went onto retail stores, offices, call centers, and management.  I've grown in my writing and music and can sing and play comfortably in front of more than a few hundred people.  I still have to struggle constantly with my feelings of failure and comparing myself to others, but it's summed up in these song lyrics:

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"
And now let the weak say, "I am strong"
Let the poor say, "I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us"

This other one came to me just now, from the movie behind the song "Amazing Grace":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZfnQxUhzQ

 Listen to the words after the Amazing Grace part...

Some great quotes from some very old people...

I have just been in such a reading and researching mode in terms of my faith and history and so here are some good quotes I found from the early church leaders...

St. Augustine (354 a.d)

Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are wise and very beautiful; but I have never read in either of them: Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden.

I want my friend to miss me as long as I miss him.

If two friends ask you to judge a dispute, don't accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept because you will gain one friend.

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

St. Patrick (385 a.d)

Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.

I am Patrick, a sinner, most uncultivated and least of all the faithful and despised in the eyes of many.

St. Jerome (347 a.d)

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. 

The friendship that can cease has never been real.

Ignorance of the scriptures is ignorance of Christ.

Being over seventy is like being engaged in a war. All our friends are going or gone and we survive amongst the dead and the dying as on a battlefield. 

A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.

St. Francis of Assisi (1182 a.d)

It is not fitting, when one is in God's service, to have a gloomy face or a chilling look.

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

WOULD YOU DO THAT TO JESUS?...

James 2:14-18 - The Message Bible - (Gospel from last week that I wanted to write on.)

 ^14-17Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, "Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?

 ¹⁸I can already hear one of you agreeing by saying, "Sounds good. You take care of the faith department, I'll handle the works department."  Not so fast. You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove.

Goes along with the next passages from Matthew 25:31-46:

 ^31-33"When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left.

 ^34-36"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,  I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,  I was homeless and you gave me a room,  I was shivering and you gave me clothes,  I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.'

^37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'

 ^41-43"Then he will turn to the 'goats,' the ones on his left, and say, 'Get out, worthless goats! You're good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—

I was hungry and you gave me no meal,  I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,  I was homeless and you gave me no bed,  I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,  Sick and in prison, and you never visited.'

⁴⁴"Then those 'goats' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'  ⁴⁵"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to  me.'  ⁴⁶"Then those 'goats' will be herded to their eternal doom, but the 'sheep' to their eternal reward."
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Well, those passages say it all.  I think that loving others has to extend beyond your own walls or your church walls, as neglect of family or friends and only taking care of your inner circle is no gospel to me and definately not Jesus' idea either.  There are people at every turn; those you work with, laugh with, drive with, go to school with, that also need you and in case you don't have any family around anymore too.  I can tell you that it's very lonely being away from family when they need you the most and feeling helpless when you can't get to them and have to rely on other people that are wonderful enough to be with them in your place.

I have been especially thinking about elderly people that can't go out into the sunlight or feel fresh air, walk on their own, dress themselves or even eat or take a bath on their own.  Their whole lives, those they love, and their homes are basically snatched away from them maybe suddenly or not and we take for granted everything we are free to do every day while we are young.  Maybe they have no one to visit or cook or clean for them, visit them or phone them, take care of them or love them.  And everyone in today's society has become non-attentive and rushed with regards to them, because they just don't know what it feels like or just don't care at all.  I see it in some nurses that are truly compassionate and treat them like they are their own family and in others that are mean and treat them like they are a job or stupid non-humans.  Same with frustrating doctors or wonderful ones that treat people they are people.

I am glad to be here with my father who was all by himself at home, and my mother who is almost out of convalescent care .  I see their faces and hear their voices when they see someone they love come to visit or hear a voice on the phone and the pain when they really want to hear from someone and they don't.  I am glad that I chose them over my job, no doubt about it! I only have one mother and father and some people don't even have that. It is hard though as the youngest of the family to see everyone else get old or pass away and not have been able to have the many number of years with them as other people had.

But, I have to count my blessings more often.

Ending with a cool story I found online:

Priest helps with foreclosures...

FAITH (THROUGH THE EYES OF CHILDREN) IS SO SIMPLE...

    Funny Stuff:  A little girl watched her mother slaving all day in preparing for a dinner party.  That night, seated at the large table filled with many guests, her mother asked her to say grace. When the child protested she didn’t know a grace, her mother said sharply, “Well, just say a prayer you have heard me say.”        
After a moment of silence, the little girl said, “Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner tonight?”

Moving along to my day on Saturday; had such a nice day with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews at church and then visiting at their house.  Sometimes you go though life and think that the good things you have been doing have not had any effect, but then you see how kids take everything in; everything you have ever said, done, sang, prayed, played, etc. and it is from them sometimes that you get the greatest encouragement and unconditional love.  It may not be big in the world's eyes, but huge how you impact young minds and souls.

I remember when they were younger, going to their rooms to tuck them in and say their goodnight prayers with them alongside the little prayer altars they had handcrafted themselves, sometimes even with photos of people they wanted to pray for.  They were cute little humble creations that you could tell a 7 year old made; but at the same time the greatest most inspiring things that you ever did see.

I remember my other (youngest) nephew's keen sense of God and how when my sister-in-law and I would be doing this detailed morning prayer, he was only about a year and a half.  How could he tell, playing loudly in the corner with his toys, when we would barely get to the end (this certain phrase) and he would pop up between us to fold his hands and say "amen!"

Anyhow, today we were all trying to pay so much attention at church to the sermon because my one nephew had to write about it in a special homework/journal in preparation for his confirmation next year.  It was kinda technical, but because of all the readings, the main point of it was to let our lives imitate Jesus' example in different ways.  He suffered for doing good (not evil) and sometimes life and people may be very unkind to us also because of the way we live as Christians.  He did not come to be served and show himself as the greatest of all but he served others and put himself last; showing us the example of love and sacrifice (ultimately his suffering and death.)

Even though I didn't get a chance tonight with the kids in this regard, I love how whenever there is religion homework, I am the first person that they think of and want to help them with it.  I think how at least that is one thing that I have going for me?  My niece also had to write a 500 word essay for high school on the topic of "proof for God's existance" and it made me think about things like human beings, flowers and nature around us, everyone an original, everday occurances or miracles that cannot be explained, etc, but a huge part is really if we even believe in our own hearts if there is a God or not.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb.11:1).

Thought about my own faith and how it did actually matter in so many areas of my own life.  Thought about the tidbits of things that kids say that reassure you that they actually hear and learn about God in a world that is so against it.  How nice it was to show my 12 year old nephew my blog and chat with him on the ride home about Christian music and in a small way for him (and the others) to know and understand what I am about more than most grownups.  He showed me a song on his mp3 as it caught his attention because the guy was singing about God and he had never paid attention to the words until now.  He listened and sang along to some of my music (ah, my true godson).

Pretty much everyone sings or talks or watches stuff about gangs, murder, sex, drugs, violence, and so many other things that are not even worth or able to be mentioned here and then people wonder why the world just keeps on getting more and more messed up.

Yes, there are so many influences and yes, I so wish they could be those same little kids forever, but there is still goodness and other virtues that see in them that I don't see whatsoever in many other kids their own ages.  Proud too of my niece and what I see in her that is like a jewel in a world where 15 year old girls are so spoiled and want to be little versions of Brittany or even worse; cuz I guess that is so "yesterday" now?   Too many bad things around that they could look up to, I cherish the good ones that guide their lives.

It is not because of empty words or traditions, but a living example of what is real to me.  My younger nephew put it best when he was paying attention to his older brother preparing for his first communion a few years ago.  The kids had all come with us to church when I was doing the music one Sunday and there must have been something special on as I remember big loaves of french bread left on the table in the entrance for people to take.  I never thought about it until I was explaining to him (then 4?) about communion and how it helps us grow closer to God and love others etc, and he said "OH, I KNOW; IT'S CALLED THE BE GOOD BREAD!!!  YOU KNOW, LIKE THE STUFF ON THE TABLE..."

I found one of my favorite prayers from years ago online:

A prayer for service

 
Teach us, good Lord, to serve you as you deserve, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to labour and not to seek for rest, to toil and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do your will, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Being Christian is sure not gonna get you a lot?

Not gonna make you rich, famous, popular, successful, beautiful, or even well liked at all.  (Like the people that only knew me as a girl that went to church every Sunday---they called me a bible-thumper and thought I was a wierdo and that was in my stage when I never even talked about God or anything religious whatsoever.  I thought that was wierd as I was trying pretty much everything to get rid of that stigma back then.)

I think I got it rough just 'cuz some people judge me and hate me for nothing and think I am wierd.  They did that when I was definately not living like a Christian and so I had nothing to loose when I decided to stop running and renew my life again as a Christian. Can't try to please everyone and give up your own soul. 

I found some stuff in my old room and a journal from 1999.  Don't know what made me write this, but I had made some notes (and added new ones) about John the Baptist and his job description:

-Live in the dessert with no tap water so having to suck out water daily from rocks and dirt?
-Wear funny clothes like rough scratchy animal hides with animal parts or tails for his belt
-Preach by himself with no assistant and known for screaming aloud at everyone to repent of their sins and not change topics every week
-Eat locusts (insects?) and wild honey (does that mean he had to make his own and how?) and know that that was it and no burgers or ice cream or anything good at all
-Basically tell people off that needed it, especially the evil King Herod, go to prison and loose his head
-Have zero and I mean zero friends and probably never took a bath (why bother out there), so very stinky

Well now.

John the Baptist never counted the cost or looked back it seemed; he saved souls; snatched up those who were tired (like me) of living life on their own, unhappy, frustrated, depressed, suicidal, empty, searching, wanting more to life, or even the ones that had it all, owned the world, needed nothing or no one and definately not God, fine with all their wealth, popularity and fame...

But then they heard him....Every walk of life, age, race, gender, status; it did not matter to him and it did not matter to God.  Even years after his death, I bet he met so many people in heaven that were there because of his unwavering faith despite hunger, thirst, isolation, tiredness, mockery, murder.  They came to know the Jesus that all his work was for and the God that sent him there and planned it all thousands of years in advance.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18---

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Mean people, Our Father, and Mother Teresa...

Why are some people a lot nicer and kinder when they are sick or vulnerable?

Why are some people a lot nicer and kinder when they are in the middle of trouble or poverty; everything is stripped away and they are vulnerable.  They have to give up at least a bit of the control and pride they so tightly cling to. "I don't need anyone" or "Don't tell me what to do."

Why does it take near death or other things to change people?

Why do some people forget all the things they had experienced which brought them to be the beautiful people they had blossomed into and go back to their old self?

Pride, selfishness and control are no way to live as don't we have to "take out the log in our own eye before we can see to help someone take out the speck of dirt in their eye?"  I often think that it is easy to blame others for all our problems without taking a long hard look at ourselves and how we are acting.
 
In the Our Father we ask God to "forgive us our sins just like we forgive those who sin against us."  Actually that could be pretty scary.  How can I just snap my fingers and expect God to forgive me when I can't even forgive someone else for what they have done to me?  Sitting in church and saying the prayer how many trillion times, my mind wanders and I go over the hurts and the wrongs instead.  It is harder said than done, especially if the people in question are there also.

But, God is only a prayer away.  Not far away in the clouds and not just a good idea in a dusty old book.  I had a cute image when I was young in seeing God as a nice old man with a long beard sitting up in a tree.  Yes, it sounds funny, but with my childlike faith for some reason I could totally see him and talk to him.  I am trying to get that simplicity back.

Here are some good Mother Teresa quotes:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.

I am a little  pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. 

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We need silence to be able to touch souls.

No point if there is no eternal life...

My facebook notes pay tribute to a great man, Alex Pollock.  It dawned on me why the funeral was so beautiful...

-You knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, this man lived his faith with every fibre of his being.  Faith, hope, and love just filled this man so completely that you could not be around him and get nothing.  He had a song and dance always ready instead of just a hello and his being at church daily not only filled him with Jesus, but inspired him to go out and help others by what he said or did.  I remember how fond our youth group was of him and May, his wife, and even with all of us grown up now.

-The priest explained as he went along what he was doing and why, like sprinkling water as a symbol of him being baptized into God's family and rebirth as new life in Jesus and incense to symbolize our prayers as a family rising up to God. (Made me think of the old testament in a different light.) You could tell Alex's life really moved him also by the way he spoke as his life summed up everything we know to be true.

-He had told his family not to wear black at his funeral as he wanted it to be a celebration.  You could tell he passed on the values of faith and love to his children, grandchildren, church people and how many other hundreds?  That's what it's all about.  And a beautiful eulogy from his son which made you think about it even more, instead of a big list of what they did to make themselves important.

-People should use their talents to thank God and help others, like the phrase "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."  The guy that sang and played (and his wife) is also a wonderful shining example of Jesus that inspires others (and would hate to know I am mentioning them).  He sings and plays with his heart, because you can tell his faith is the core of who he is and not just a show.  Otherwise it is just lots of good words and empty notes.

These pretty much sum it up for me:

1 Cor 15: 14-15 --- "If Christ has not been raised from the dead, our preaching is useless and so is your faith.  More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead.

Isiah 25:8 --- "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER...

I don't even know where that quote comes from but it seems so true.  I used to say it in high school (but never said it like I believed it) trying to convince myself that I would survive, along with my motto "black is my soul"...High school was my own hell but that is another blog.  Thank God I made it is all I can say...

When the storms of life happen, you think I can't make it through, I just can't do it, my life is over.  Somehow long after it is done and gone you look back and say wow I made it through that one.  And sometimes like I do, you laugh yourself silly thinking about how very insanely bad it was and did that really happen? And it seems life contains a trillion billion of those storms.  You think your problem is unique and no one understands what you're going through, but somewhere, somehow, in some part of the world at some moment in history, it happened (or something worse) to someone else who thought the same very thing.

"No man is an island" (another good quote.)

Well, I don't know about you but I tend to view others wrongly sometimes and think they have it all together and they never have to go through problems such as A, B, or C like I do.  Then I find out about their life and think that I sure wouldn't want to go through what they do and I guess I'll take my problems over theirs.  At least I have come to know the same problems well and nothing surprises me anymore.  Kinda like my area of expertise because others say wow, how do you deal with that one? and I say oh I'll write a book.

Really, I have yet to meet anyone who has it all together.  No one has a perfect life, body, family, kids, job, home.  Oh, we wish we could no matter what the cost, but sad to say it doesn't exist and we envy in others what they have attained that we want so badly.  But their journey is not meant for us and we have blessings and strengths to count as our own.

Either way, you never know that what you overcame and lived to tell about can help or encourage another who is going through something similar and feels they don't have the strength to survive.  It could be something small like a phone call, online chat, facebook post or email and you may never even know the good that comes from your pain until years later.

From Psalm 40:  "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymm of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

And for all the times that I felt so alone, bare, isolated, homeless, jobless, sad, lost, full of things that rob my life of the joy and no answer in sight, from Psalm 42:  "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

In that Psalm, David writes the same phrase 3 times.  I think he was really trying to remind himself in whatever he was going through to not give up and pouring out his guts to the God he followed his whole life.  Kinda like I did when I was in high school.  See, thousands of years later he is still inspiring others.

So don't give up and you can too.

Happy if you do good and get nothing but bad back? HUH?

Busy today with appointments, so here is a really cool translation of today's gospel (Luke 6:20 etc.)  I added many verses after as it all looked good and I never heard it like this ever.  ***This is from "The Message" Bible***

"You're blessed when you've lost it all. God's kingdom is there for the finding. You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry. Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.  You're blessed when the tears flow freely.  Joy comes with the morning.

Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—skip like a lamb, if you like!—for even though they don't like it, I do, and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this.

Give Away Your Life

But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made. What you have is all you'll ever get.  And it's trouble ahead if you're satisfied with yourself. Your self will not satisfy you for long.  And it's trouble ahead if you think life's all fun and games.  There's suffering to be met, and you're going to meet it.  There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests—look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! Your task is to be true, not popular.

To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.

He quoted a proverb: "'Can a blind man guide a blind man?' Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn't lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Work the Words into Your Life

You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.

Why are you so polite with me, always saying 'Yes, sir,' and 'That's right, sir,' but never doing a thing I tell you? These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on.

If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards.

It was a total loss."

Mary, Jesus, And a Long List of Other Dudes...

Early Christians celebrated today as the birthday of Mary, the Mother of God, as early as the 5th century and even in Islam's holy book, the Koran, Mary's (Maryam's) story is in 2 chapters.  Allah, through an angel, declares Maryam "pure" and "exalted above all women," chosen to bear the prophet Jesus. She conceives simply by Allah's decree.  Woah.  Talk about learning something every day.

Some think Catholics worship Mary and statues and that they will get to heaven by good works and their outward religious practices.  I agree there are Christians of any kind that can be rather extreme in certain ways, but I think there are misunderstandings on both sides.  Having been away from the Catholic church for almost a year and then being part of a Pentecostal church for about 4 months, my perspectives on both have really changed; in good ways.  But that is a whole other blog. I always believed that Jesus = salvation and it was only his death that saves us and ignorance of the bible is ignorance of Christ.  I was fortunate growing up, but also questioned everything I heard or read.

Mary has always been more than special to me for many reasons.  I was born premature at 7 months (3 lbs 5 ounces) and not thought to make it so a priest (now monseigneur) baptized me 2 days after I was born.  He actually named me before my parents even knew about it. Maria in honor of Mary's feast on that day, Dec 8, The Immaculate Conception. (Jesus divinely conceived in her womb through the holy spirit of God.)  Well, I always thought what an honor that was.

She would have had to be far from just another ordinary good woman to undertake this more than huge life commitment and say OK to some angel that appeared one day when she was praying and saying she wanted to do God's will, whatever it took.  She had to take care of Jesus who grew up to change the course of history and religion and life as everyone saw it.  Not just another mother; a little more high class I would say.  A class all her own.  She had a big part in the story of salvation as it unfolded before her eyes.

Some people celebrate birthdays a little too much; like Hollywood.  They are normal people who happen to have certain talents that happen to make them lots of money doing what they love and are good at. That's all.  Sometimes they are so worshipped and then yeah, we find out they got arrested, murdered someone, stole money, or lord knows what.  Their glory is then pretty much gone.

I can't find anything to tarnish Mary's image, unlike the historical descendants of Jesus, who were murderers, adulturers, liars, idol worshippers, but who God used for history just the same.  The 2nd reading used to always be so dry to me.  I mean you know the one, the geneology of Jesus where so and so was the father of so and so and so and so was the father of so and so...So much real history to be able to trace this Jesus way back to Abraham who was born 2100 B.C? and then this little couple named Mary and Joseph.  These names are so famous that we don't even need to use their last names when we talk about them.

That can surely not be said of me, and just barely of others like Elvis or Sting. (HAHA.)  Plus Mary is in the bible alot and I am not.

PRAY FOR MY MOM'S EYES...

Ma went back to the recovery/hospital tonight (really because of her eyes) and it is too quiet here already (although I do like watching animal planet and the sham wow info-mercials with my Pa; oh and the one for the vibrating dr. ho belt that instantly shreds your body fat by shocking and electricuting it away.)

Just pray for her eyes.  They have been so red and sore for over a month; first one eye which got better than worse and now both eyes are bad.  Been to specialists and on eye drops and different anti-biotics and nothing really helping and apparantly is not an eye infection? but no one can figure it out they say...Glad we are going to see her regular nice doctor outside in the real world on Wednesday as the only doctor available at the hospital to them comes late in the evening and seems to run in and out and not bother to keep track of how anyone is doing really.  She had to pretty much beg him to give her something for her cough, sore throat and ears that were paining her for over a month.

Gotta hand it to her though.  She is so peaceful and just happy to be better and sleeping one night at home and walking pretty good despite barely being able to keep her eyes open. WOW.  My dad and I were saying that it was amazing and that if it was anyone else (us!) we sure would not be that calm and strong.  I would be irritated beyond belief as I had eye allergies before and so not fun.

Patience, prayer, and peace seem to be what is shining from her now since she has been in the hospital.  That is what I always learnt from her example growing up and only really got it recently. 

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Good words that I remember without even having to google them now.

Tired today but still to write is in my blood...

Nice day with my ma as she is home for today and tommorow as we say on good behaviour out on parole.  Amazed at how fast she is walking now as she ran to the communion line without any assistance at all and left her walker at the hospital.  Would be home already except for her eyes which are now still both so very red, despite every type of exam, drops, antibiotic.  She says well, she is still there for a reason that she does not know of as we both agree in the bad things happen but good can come out of it theory.

She definately has her spunk back as I was cooking dinner and she was telling me what pan to use, how high to not put the stove and a million other things....I told my dad, you know me and you are having fun and all together, but I miss ma when I had not gone to visit her in two days and sometimes it is boring here.  Plus, the convalescence care place has not really any sunlight or fresh air coming in; kinda resembling the bat cave, but with lots of old people in beds.  We laugh because for a 73 year old she has pretty much all of her natural black hair and still looks young, with people thinking I am the granddaughter cuz all the other daughters are like 50...

Was so hard to have both my parents very sick and hard to be so far away from them and the rest of my family.  Normally, I am fine being all the way in Manitoba and them in BC, but it is those times when you know you need them and they need you just as bad.  Nothing like wrapping your arms around them and kissing them and seeing their faces when you show up unexpected for a visit.  But, whenever we were all in need, there was always some way or some good samaritan who made it possible for me to get out there, like now.  People who are always able to take a lot of trips and holidays take that one for granted.

Thank God for little and big blessings.  Thank God for parents while we can still love and care for them just like they loved and cared for us and still do.  I am remembering that as I put all these eye meds in her eye and we joke about me putting the nasal spray and it squirting up her nose.  Teaching her to inhale is just funny on its own.  But, I say, well it's payback for all the things you had to give me when I was little....

GOT SOMETHIN' EVEN WHEN I THINK I GOT NOTHIN'...

Well, just not feeling so jazzed up in the afternoon, but wanted to write anyhow and then felt better as I focused on a good part of my day. Plus, my followers would be oh so disapointed to miss a day of my oh so interesting life.

Had a good morning at church again and amazed at how many people are still welcoming me back so warmly as most of this bunch had not seen me in 5 years.  It was just so nice as these people are really people that I don't keep in contact with, are much older or retired, and not people on the visiting list even.  It made me think how important church community and fellowship is.  Forgetting that it was my home for 11 years and everyone asking how my dad and mom are since they were both very sick and in and out of hospital.  Word sure spreads fast.

Some think God is everywhere, so why bother with other people that you don't even want to love or strangers?  Well from my experience, it is impossible to go through life in any way isolated or totally on your own.  I mean, there are many clubs and organizations and even co-worker groups that you can be part of.  Half of me is a hermit that loves solitude and shy; but half of me is a girl that just wants to have fun and be around others...yeah, I know...

People in groups just have a special bond like family, and care and concern for others (or at least you really hope they do) and the same values generally or interests. When one is in trouble or missing, boy do they notice.  In the case of being a church regular, they pray for you and your needs, they care and show love by helping with errands, rides, finding help, fixing things, referring to doctors they like or other professionals, check on you when you are not there, give special gifts when you don't even know that they know your birthday, help when you are just doing all you possibly can but need financial aid due to sickness or job loss or loss of a loved one, bring you fresh fruit from their gardens or goodies...

But above all, the inspire you with their faith in good times and bad. They are precious examples, like family, of how one person makes all the difference in the world when you think that no one cares and would miss you if you were gone.

When my oldest brother died, so many people that had never even met him were at the funeral and prayers.  I remember that day doing the music and just feeling the strength of the prayers and love of the sea of faces I looked into.  They were not anonymous or there because they had to be, they were family, extended family, good friends, past friends and they were all there to support us in our darkest hour.  That meant more than I think they will ever know, even looking back almost 2 years later.

The most important thing being not the material things of course, as love is always shown by actions because faith without love and care is truly dead to me.  Being there among other similar believers, we may not always agree on the little details or have the same outside interests, but we all love Jesus and want to build up his church.  Those are the greatest values of all time.

That is why I go to church.

LESSON ON FISHING AND WORK FROM ONE WHO NEVER FISHED OR WORKED....

Luke 5: 1-11 ----
While the crowd was pressing in on Jesus and listening to the word of God,
he was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret. He saw two boats there alongside the lake; the fishermen had disembarked and were washing their nets. Getting into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon,he asked him to put out a short distance from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.

After he had finished speaking, he said to Simon,“Put out into deep water and lower your nets for a catch.” Simon said in reply,“Master, we have worked hard all night and have caught nothing, but at your command I will lower the nets.” When they had done this, they caught a great number of fish
and their nets were tearing. They signaled to their partners in the other boat
to come to help them and they filled both boats so that the boats were in danger of sinking.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” For astonishment at the catch of fish they had made seized him and all those with him, and likewise James and John, the sons of Zebedee, who were partners of Simon.

Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” When they brought their boats to the shore,they left everything and followed him.


1.  I wish I could have brought Jesus to work with me when I was most tired and stressed and at one word, my mountain of paperwork, applications and invoices would get done pretty darn fast!!  But next time, I will try it with God's help and see how fast and easy it goes.

2.  Peter thought, "Look, I know they all think you are a holy prophet and you seem good and all but dude, I don't know where you came from and you look like no fisherman, that is for sure.  You come from carpenter country, so what do you know about my life and struggles?  Not to be rude but I have been doing this since I could walk and I had no sleep last night, no coffee and kinda cranky, me and my buddies here have been trying all night and not even a sardine to show for it.  All our equipment is put away and seriously we just want to go home and get an egg mcmuffin 'cuz we are starving....

But...OK, fine if you say so, I will try it again.

3.  BAMM!!! Fish galore to fill 2 whole boats, which not only could they feed their families for a really long time, but stock up everyone's freezers, and have even enough to sell at every market they could hit up.  Go big or go home would look good on a big billboard ad for Jesus, alongside a snapshot of the 3 grinning fisherman holding up their nets saying, "See Mom!"

4.  Large crowd plus Peter and his buddies to witness.

5.  That was enough for Peter.  I would fall to my knees in shock too if I was in that crowd.  At the feet of the God-man to lay bare his soul and say he is not worthy enough and not what Jesus is looking for; look how I have doubted you.  Jesus said well, it is not about that, not about your power, just follow me and work for souls and forget the rest.

So he did.

MONEY, POVERTY, AND HAPPINESS...

Nowadays our society thinks that "poor"is a generic mp3 player instead of an ipod, the same shirt bought at a discount chain instead of a brand boutique, a $600 laptop instead of a $2000 one, living in a basement suite instead of a big house, etc...

I notice too that either there are a lot of rich people or a lot of people that seem rich to me because of their massive credit cards and loans, which just buy them more stuff and more debt.  To me, being loaded with a lot of money means being able to take multiple crusies and european vacations every year, not blinking at spending $200 for an evening out with dinner every weekend, buying gifts for their kids that are $500 each or spending over $1000 at Christmas because you just have to buy for everyone...

Maybe you are laughing at me, but from being a penny pincher and budgeter for so long, it has truly changed my way of thinking. Of all the people I have known or met like my definition, I have rarely seen any of them happy.  They just seem distant and miserable, fake and cranky because they complain about being so so poor.  Never enjoying life or what they buy; jit ust seems like such a waste...

(Please know that I am not taking about nice people that are happy with life and generous with their money and help others, because I know some of those, or that I am criticizing money in general.  The point is that money does not buy happiness.)

I mean there are people that don't have a house, don't have a job, don't have any family left or friends, don't know what will happen to them.  Just look at the programs on tv for sponsoring needy kids in other countries; they are pleading to us with their sad eyes, big belly from malnutrition, flies and garbage in their house or backyard which often times is just a homemade hut of straw, sticks, mud.  They have to help their parents, if they have any left, because so many have died from diseases that are easy to fix in our world.  The kids that are 10 years old that should be playing and carefree have to act in their household like a 25 year old.  Where will their next meal come from, how will they afford to bury their family, how will they go to a dentist or doctor or get medication, how will they even get shoes or clothing, who will dry their tears when their mom or dad is gone and how will they even be able to go to school and learn the alphabet that could change their lives?

However, people who have gone on mission trips to poor villages say that they have changed their lives and their view of material things and they will never be the same to see these people amid all of this who have such a happy, simple and generous spirit that you cannot find elsewhere.  How is this possible?  Could it be that money does not buy happiness after all?  And you don't have to go far anywhere in your city to know that there are people that cannot afford food, basic necessities, doctors or dentists, and for whom a happy holiday like Christmas is just not happy at all.  There is judgement, shame, low self-worth and desparation and anxiety to even make ends meet.

In the end, it is not he who dies with the most toys that wins.  You can't take it with you when you go, so what do you have left with your life to present to your maker?  Do you even want to take that chance even if you don't believe?  What if in the end you saw a slideshow of your life and all the people and things you neglected?

There are so many people that give and give and would give their last penny or the shirt off their backs to help others who are in really bad spots and so often they are people who you would never suspect.  People on one income or a fixed income, people that barely have enough for themselves, people that are worried about their own future.  You would never think twice even to look at them because maybe they are not the ones that even stand out in a crowd.  You may be priviledged to hear their stories of how God has always provided for them and that they are blessed when they give, or how they were in similiar situations and someone came through for them at the last moment and that is how they learnt that it is more blessed to give than to receive.  They seem to have the biggest smiles.  Those are the rich in spirit to me.

"What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose your soul" and "Why spend your life on things that don't satisfy" and "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do to me, says Jesus."  So many other good quotes that just make sense to me.  But that is just my opinion.

UNBORN BABIES, ME, AND FAMILY...

http://clcbc.org/clinic/whsc1.html
Old article link from newspaper, but even then the numbers are freakin' scary. I was born sickly at 7 months to 40 yr old parents who never had enough money and still so many struggles, like illnesses and job issues. If we 4 kids could grow up to love them back and stick together, than anyone can.  You know what we learnt?  That money is not what life is all about (even though you need it to survive) and the giving of my parents to their last pennies just to help us instead of themselves, all the church people that helped us when our roof was leaking, my parents were sick, I needed shoes or lunch money.  That is what life and love and children are about.

Childless couples of the world who cannot have kids or afford $10,000 to adopt would so take these unborn babies in a heartbeat.  And even I on my own would be one of them.  I would gladly endure inconvenience of any kind just to look at my baby and hold it in my arms.  I am inspired by very young single woman I see that look like they are barely out of high school who are out and about big and pregnant and later who are carrying or strolling their child along.  They are my heroes.

I also as a woman feel for pregnant woman that for whatever reasons are not feeling like heroes at all.  Lonely and afraid, embarrassed and ridiculed in ways that men will never be, lost and abandoned by everyone, including their families or partners.  Maybe though they are on top of the world, with everything that they finally worked so hard for within reach, popular with many friends, free to party and enjoy life on their own terms and now this.  To them it is not a baby yet, it is the end of their world as they know it and an end to their perfect body, their own glory.  But it now houses the most breathtaking gift that no one else on this earth was priviledged enough to get.  Just check out an ultrasound (or look at your neice or nephew.)

Who knows, you could raise the next relief aid worker, doctor, nurse, lawyer, family man, writer or missionary?

And the women who have undergone abortions (and their men that have suffered along side them) have enough pain in ways that we cannot imagine.  Just think if you heard their story.  They are never the same.  They have a tough road to forgiveness, healing, and the God that hold their tears and pains of body and soul.  They have found miracles of new life that overcame the death and despair and even the journey to find their faith that they never thought would happen.  Only something beyond our humanity and weakess can do that.

Jesus knows our hearts and no one else can judge; that is not our place as Christians or other and besides, there is too much of that going on anyways.  I am sure you have been on one end or the other and that does permanent damage.  Even people judging Christians are in my same point of view; don't think yeah we are all the same, wierdos and hypocrites?  All we have to do is put ourselves in others shoes like the good Samaritan that didn't care what his neighbours thought or how much it would cost or how he could not touch a stranger as he did not know where he had been.  He loved as Jesus did; that was all.  And took care of the beaten man on the side of the road that could have been his brother, father, uncle, or friend.

I worked with a lady whose daughter was 16 and got pregnant; the lady knew it was her grandaughter and excited in a small way even though she was ticked off at her daughter. But how much could reality change in just a week? It seemed the "best" thing for her daughter was to have an abortion as she made the decision for her and didn't want to be stuck helping care for her as her daughter needed to go on with her life and "be responsible" and the lady wanted to be carefree...I don't know how they are doing, but I will always wish I said more...